Twilight: New Moon (2009) Directed by Chris Weitz

"I love you. You're my only reason to stay alive... if that's what I am."  -Edward Cullen.

Mixed marriages are always a little work; if she's black, and he's white, or if he's Catholic, and she's Jewish, there is going to be a little tension.  But what if she is 18, and he is 109 and dead?

Poor Bella Swann (Kristen Stewart).  It is so hard being a teenager.  You are busy trying to be all broody and mysterious, and you suddenly realize your boyfriend is paler; more haunted, and wears more lipstick than you.  He's prettier too.  And he has real problems that aren't going to go away in a year or two like your angst.

The Cullen clan is a group of vegetarian vampires.  They live in Forks because it per diem sees less sun than any other city in the lower 48.  That is handy when you are a sparkly vampire.  Edward (Robert Pattinson) loves Bella, but does not want to turn her into a damned creature of the night...um, permanently glittered creature of...angst and bad hair days.... He doesn't want her to lose her soul; yeah, that was it.  So he dumps her, and moves.

Poor Bella, already prone to sulking silences, falls into a deep depression.  Apparently they never heard of Prozac in the Pacific Northwest.  Finally her dad, (Billy Burke) draws a line in the sand, threatening to go send her to live with her mother.  Bella makes a remarkable recovery, and rejoins the human race.

One of the things she discovers is whenever she does something stupid and life threatening; she sees a vision of Edward, warning her.  Instead of checking for a possible schizophrenic break, she instead becomes a thrill seeker, to provoke these Cullen visions.

So she gets a couple of junker bikes, takes them to her Indian friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and they work on fixing them up.  This has several positive effects.  One, she is not sitting at home staring out the window, two, she has human companionship, and three, Jacob is a cutie.  Of course, Jacob has problems of his own; his tribal affiliations, and the gang of boys that watch him expectantly....

Bella likes Jacob.  Unfortunately Jacob likes Bella too, and a lot deeper.   Bella is using Jacob like a security blanket, and Jacob is ...well, doing what all sixteen year old boys do about girls they think are hot.  Then Jacob dumps her too.

Poor forlorn little Bella.  If it weren't for the vampires trying to hunt her and kill her, she might just die of despair.  Victoria is determined to kill Bella to pay Edward back for killing her boyfriend.  Fortunately there is a pack of werewolves in the area, keeping her safe.

Spoiler alert, unless, of course, you have seen an advertisement for this movie.  Jacob is the newest member of the pack.  It seems that the presence of the Cullen kiss of vampires has activated the local tribe's defenders, and certain members of the tribe are now pony sized wolves on demand to hunt and kill vampires.  The Cullens and the wolves have a treaty; as long as they are vegetarians, the werewolves won't mess with them.  But Victoria and her crowd...

Of course, this leads to a reunion with Edward, and an angst filled trip to Italy to stop his suicide....  What, you didn't think you could have an angst filled teen drama without an attempted suicide did you?  And there, Bella gets her first look at real vampires...the bloodsucking selfish Italian speaking kind.

Does it sound like I am a little dismissive of this movie?  Well, maybe I am.  There is a lot good about it; the cinematography is amazing, and the special effects work is phenomenal, and basically I approve of most movies with a pack of hard bodied buff little Indian boys running around without shirts.  There are some things that I just roll my eyes at and accept as Stephanie Meyer's vision, like sparkly vampires.

But my one true objection to this movie is this; it does not stand alone.  If you have not seen Twilight, it will make little to no sense.  Frankly, it has some trouble even if you have.  Maybe it helps if you read the books.  Personally, I like a movie to stand on its own, without reference materials.

The other thing is how much teenage angst can you cram into two hours and ten minutes?  The answer is a whole heck of a lot.  Stephanie Meyers must get paid a royalty for each pained and wooden look of despair that crosses the actors' faces.  If so, she is rich.  If she could get paid for the same look on the audience's faces, she could buy the Eiffel Tower.

Still, do not think for a moment this is not going to be a runaway hit.  It may not be art, but it knows its target audience, panders to them shamelessly, and will milk them for every merchandising dollar they can get.

I wish I had written them.  Oh well, join us next time when Bella builds a boyfriend out of spare parts in a lab, just to complete the set.

This is entered in MsBunnylicious' Wicked Hallows Write Off.

Bloodletting on Film and Page.  Vampires.

Blood For Dracula
Lost Boys: The Thirst
True Blood: Second Season
Twilight: Eclipse
Thirst
Dark Shadows: The Revival
Batman vs. Dracula
Marebito
Daybreakers
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Dracula
Blood: The Last Vampire
Cirque DuFreak: The Vampire's Assistant
Let the Right One In
Dead and Gone
True Blood
Twilight
Pathos II
PathosI
Perfect Creature
From Dusk 'Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter
From Dusk 'Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money
From Dusk 'Till Dawn
Lost Boys: The Tribe
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Near Dark
Dracula (1979)
Vampire$
The Lost Boys
30 Days of Night

Full Moon Theatre. Werewolves on the Silver Screen.



The Howling
(0)True Blood: Season Two.(O)Wolf Moon(O)Wild Country (O)The Wolfman (2010)(O)War Wolves(O)Wolf Man: The Legacy Collection
She-Wolf of London(O)Werewolf of London(O)The Twilight Saga: New Moon(O)Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man
The Wolf Man(O)Dog Soldiers(O)Wolf(O)True Blood
An American Werewolf in Paris(O)Underworld: Rise of the Lycans(O)Underworld(O)An American Werewolf in London
Silver Bullet(O)The Brothers Grimm(O)Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(O)The Brotherhood of the Wolf(O)Wolves of Kromer

Recommended: Yes