The Bottom Line: The Pearls continue their campaign to get parents to beat their kids to train them to be good, holy, and utterly obedient. Avoid these people at all costs!
sarahbaker's Full Review: No Greater Joy, Volume One Books
This book is a companion book to "To Train Up a Child" (Review is at http://www.epinions.com/content_91757514372) another parenting book written by the same couple, the Pearls. They are equally horrible, and if you've seen my other review then you know that is saying a lot. Evidently, after the publication of the first book, the Pearls got so much mail they wrote another (two more, as there are now two volumes of No Greater Joy, plus a monthly newsletter). This book is in the form of questions and answers, specific instances of problems with kids or parents asking what to do. Most of it is available free on their website, which is where I got it. I'm not about to give these people any money. (The site is www.nogreaterjoy.org, though this doesn't strike me as a very joyful way to raise kids.)
No matter how much I hate a book, I do try and write about whatever postives there may be. So here are the positives for No Greater Joy. One is that I think these people really believe in what they are doing. That comes across in their writings, and in their lack of concern about money. They publish a free newsletter, and allow anyone to reproduce any of their writing, as long as they give appropriate credit, and information about the free newsletter. In fact, most of the two volumes of No Greater Joy are available on the Pearl's website. I'm reviewing both in this review. Other than the lack of concern about profit, another good thing about the Pearls is that they do believe there is more to raising kids than discipline, and that is very true. They also focus on the underlying attitude of the child and not just their physical obedience.
So those are the good things. On to the bad. Most of it is similar to what I didn't like about To Train Up A Child, but the Pearls seem to have come up with new and varied ways to make me hate them. So let me tell you why I do hate these people, and their books.
CREDENTIALS
The Pearls have no training, no expertise in this area. According to their website, "when Michael is asked for his credentials on child training he points to his five children." Those five kids survived growing up with these people to become "missionaries and church leaders." Great. But just because their kids managed to live through growing up with them doesn't give the Pearls the right to tell other people how to raise their kids. (This is copied from my To Train Up A Child review, but as the only new credential the Pearls have is writing a book about parenting while not having credentials, I don't see the need to change it.)
HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP
Wives must be submissive to the husband. No arguments allowed. Now, I know there are people out there who believe this, but I'm not one of them. Frankly, I find it ridiculous that the Pearls admire a woman who learned to not tell her husband he was wrong when he couldn't read a map. Evidently she was right to let him get lost, every time, when she could have read the map, because, if the man read the map wrong, God must have meant him to read it that way, and after all, she was the "helper" and he was the "leader." Also, a wife is not supposed to ask her husband to spend more time with the kids, suggest that he mgiht be working too much, spent too much money on something, etc. etc. etc. These things make the poor guy feel bad. It helps the woman "tear down her house." There is no list of things a man should't ask his wife. After all, he's in charge.
ATTITUDE TOWARDS MEDICATION
I know people get mad about all the medicines kids are on these days. I know ADD is overdiagnosed and there are kids who need other treatment and techniques used than medication. But I also know there are kids who nothing else will work for, cases in which medicine is absolutely neccessary.
The Pearls don't believe in this. They think kids only become so badly behaved they’re put on medicine for one of two reasons. One - artificial food dyes causing allergic reactions. Two - bad parenting (meaning parenting styles other than theirs)
Pearl describes how a woman tells him about her troubles with her son, happens to mention "he's on antibiotics again this month" and Pearl is automatically ready to jump on his "favorite bandwagon" and lecture her about it. Last time I checked antibiotics weren't causing ADD (which this boy was diagnosed with) and I somehow got the impression that it was a good thing for parents to give their sick kids medicine to help them get better. Or maybe we should go back to having epidemics that kill off young children, to avoid having all those horribly behaved ADD kids on antibiotics.
TREATMENT OF YOUNG CHILDREN
This was dealt with a lot more in To Train Up A Child than in No Greater Joy, so I have less to say about it here. But it still bothered me.
Basically, the Pearls advocate training a baby from the moment they're born. In No Greater Joy this takes the form of training babies not to cry. If a child cries when you leave them alone, the solution is to leave them alone more often. Pearl tells the story of a three month old who would cry to be held. This was "mistraining" and if it continued then the mom would “eventually have such contention and strife between her and her demanding daughter that she will write a letter to us wanting to know how to deal with an angry, undisciplined and unthankful teenager.” The Pearls’ solution? Only pick the kid up when she’s happy. When she’s crying, ignore her, leave her completely alone. Otherwise, disaster will come when she gets older. Of course. Terrible, horrible three month old, wanting her Mommy and calling for her the only way she can! How dare she? We better teach her! I’m just surprised (after reading the other book) that Pearl didn’t suggest switching the baby for being upset.
CHALLENGING/QUESTIONING AUTHORITY
That is the heading the Pearls give this topic, so I may as well use it too. The Pearls take a very strange view of ordinary childhood actions, one of which is asking "Why?" when told to do something. Asking means they are questioning you. After all, according to the Pearls, by the time your kids are old enough to ask, they should be programmed to obey without asking anything, ever, about what you tell them to do. If they do, "the question is not prompted by a spirit of cooperative inquiry, but by a spirit of rebellion" in all but rare cases. You should never answer if you think they are asking because they are questioning you. You have absolute authority over everything in your kids lives. If this was applied to adults it would sound like a cult.
Another issue the Pearls adress under this heading is a more upsetting one, and that is disciplining of a younger child when a sibling is babysitting. The actual question they are asking is if a ten year old should be allowed to switch a two year old when the parent is unavailable. The answer given is that you can never leave your kids with anyone unless you're going to let them spank them. In the case of the ten year old, if they're mature, you're allowed to let them babysit. If not, then "one of the things that will help them mature is to give them real responsibility over the small children" which I presume means being able to switch them, since it was already said that people can't watch kids unless they can switch them. So now what you have is an immature ten year old being given permission to hit their younger sibling, in order to teach them responsibility. Does anyone else see a problem with this?
On another note, this does explain the many stories throughout all three Pearl books about them switching other people's kids while babysitting. Somehow the explanation isn't too reasurring.
THE ROD
OK, I'll let the Pearls talk for themselves here, I have very little to add except that this is sick, child abuse, and absolutely wrong in every case. This isn't taken from No Greater Joy, but from the website/newsletter. However, switching is mentioned frequently in the books, this explains exactly what the Pearls mean.
"The rod we speak of is a plumbing supply line that can be bought at any hardware store or large department store. It is a slim, flexible, plastic tubing that supplies water to sinks, and toilets. Ask for "¼ inch supply line." They cost less than one dollar." The cost doesn't matter, what I'm concerned with is the fact that you're hitting your kids with plumbing pipes!! "It stings the skin without bruising or damaging tissue. It’s a real attention geter. Michael demonstrates its use in our new Seminar videos." Is anyone else scared to see these videos? Or EXTREMELY disturbed that people would use this on their kids?
EXTREME PUNISHMENTS
Yes, it goes above and beyond using the plastic plumbing pipes described above. Examples - a child doesn't want to get in their car seat. You leave them home with someone else a few times (after switching them multiple times) and if that doesn't work, you bring the car seat into the house and strap the kid in for TWO OR THREE HOURS. "It is most effective if she is in a state of surrender when she is released." Repeat until kid outgrows car seat. Example 2 - Pearls visit a family where the younger kids aren't perfectly behaved. Two year old starts crying to sit with Mommy in the car. Solution? Pull over, give the kid "three to five licks with a switch" get back in car, tell kid to stop crying. Kid doesn't stop - repeat switching. This actually happened, and was repeated every two or so minutes for twenty miles of highway at night. The kid eventually stopped crying. Pearl was pleased with his success.
Anyway, you get the idea. There are many cases where the punishment is vastly out of proportion with the crime, if there even is one. In the examples I gave there was, but in Pearl's opinion, any instance of "willfullness" or questioning authority in any way, however minor, is rebellion, and means the kid needs a switching. Usually more than one switching. After awhile the kid doesn't need to be switched anymore. Big surprise. You hit the kid enough and htey give in.
"POTTY TRAINING AT THREE MONTHS"
I know, it's ridiculous enough to need very little explanation. If you're training anyone it's the mother. By the way, the Pearls' methods for dealing with kids who potty train late are horrible, but that's in To Train Up a Child, so I won't go into it here.
SPANKING KIDS FOR BEING UNHAPPY
Yup, evidently if we all hit our kids it will make them much happier. Because when you hit them you tell them to be happy. Guess what you do if they aren't? Hit them again. Surprise, surprise, the kid acts happy. Pearl tells a story of two year old who was whining for attention when company was over, was spanked, and then "again sought to establish her supremacy over her mother by whining and complaining" until her mother spanked her again. Evenutally the kid smiles and declares herself to be happy, which proves that "children that are forced to be in subjection will display a contented smile." That's right everyone, force your kid into subjection, hit them every time they frown, and you'll have a kid who smiles at you all the time. I guess only adults are allowed to be unhappy.
SCARE TACTICS
In case you might dare to think of using any other parenting style than the Pearls' they make sure to warn you of the consequences. Your kids will end up happy, holy and obedient with the Pearls. Without them they will be horribly behaved, controlling little monsters who are constantly medicated. They repeat this many times, belittle those who criticize them, and lift themselves up to unassailable heights. I'll put in a few links of articles that bothered me. Here's a pair of them - one showing a greedy ill behaved two year old who reformed when his parents started using the To Train Up A Child techniques. The other shows a kid whose parents never did. Predictable enough, he's medicated out of his mind.
Drugged out non-Pearl kid http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/infant.
Happy Pearl Kid
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/infant_maniwhatso.htm
Another one, showing a mother who refuses to read To Train Up A Child. It's called Mama's Excuses, shows a woman with a horrible kid, hitting other, taking toys, whining etc. etc. etc. Obviously a kid whose mother doesn't use these enlightened methods.
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/Articles/Jan%20Feb%202002%20Mamas%20Excuses.htm
In general, if you don't do what these people say your kids will turn into horrible, ungrateful, unruly teenagers who rebel against you. If you use them, your kids will be obedient, happy, and never question you. Sounds so realistic and trustworthy, doesn't it?
WHY I READ THIS
Well, I read To Train Up A Child because I didn't believe what I was reading. Sadly enough, by the time I read these books I did. But someone actually wrote a positive review of To Train Up A Child, and put in links to the Pearls' website. First of all, I'm shocked anyone wrote a positive review of these people. Secondly, I wanted to see if anything had changed (it hadn't) and if these people were still getting away with advocating child abuse (they are). I hope that by writing this review I may get someone's attention, and warn them about these people. Maybe I won't. Maybe anyone who looks for this book would already have read To Train Up A Child. But I can always hope.
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