dastr8poop's Full Review: nutro products Nutro Max Puppy Food
My wife and I recently purchased a dog as a Christmas present to ourselves. Desmond is a now three and a half month old German Shorthaired Pointer. There’s a picture of him on my profile page, why don’t you go give it a look?
Awwwww. Cute isn’t he? I think so. My dog is one of the best looking dogs I’ve ever seen. I know other dogs feel this way too because of all the attention he gets from the b!tches down at the dog park.
(ok, I know that was a cheap use of the word “b!tches” – sue me)
All is not well though, in the land of New Puppy. Desmond, and by extension Mr. And Mrs. Poop, has a problem. That problem is Nutro MAX Puppy Dry Dog Food. I was told by Dez’s vet that there is no better choice for optimum puppy nutrition on the market than Nutro brand and so, being the good parent that I am, promptly went out and bought him a 30 lbs bag. It was only on the way home from PetCo that I thought to myself, “Hey that 30 lbs bag of dog food was kind of pricey, what if he doesn’t like it?” My fears were unfounded. Desmond was all over the stuff as soon as it hit the bowl. Apparently, Nutro scores high marks in the “flavor” category.
(It should be noted here that the two other foods my dog really enjoys are earthworms and his own feces.)
So getting the food down is not the problem. Neither, so my vet tells me, is the nutritional content of the kibble. So what is the problem you ask? Our particular problem with Nutro brand puppy food occurs post-consumption. Roughly one hour after Desmond has wolfed down his cup and a half of dry food, strange noises start to emanate from his insides, slowly growing in intensity until they erupt in the rawest, juciest sphinter explosion you’ve ever heard. This, gentle reader, is not a slow steady release of anal pressure, a “phfft” if you will…No! This is a plump, greasy, humid cacophony of intestinal rage that can only be described as “B-B-B-Blaaarrrt!”
I suppose that I should count my blessings in that Desmond is generous enough to provide my wife and I with a warning of malodorous things to come, SBD this dog is not.
Soon after the air fills with pound puppy’s blasphemous stank my wife and I immediately start with the exclamations: “Whew!” and “Ah, yeah!” and “OWWW!”. I swear, someone who didn’t know any better would think that David Lee Roth was standing in our living room checking himself out naked in our full length mirror. So aware are we of the coming discarded diseased discharge soon to ravage and infest our air, there are times that I fear we might die of asphyxiation.
And I’m not talking about autoeroticasphyxiation here either, there are few things less sexy (eating lubricated cheese out of Tammy Fay Baker’s mummified Christian vagina comes to mind) than trying to get your freak on while your dog is rambunctiously pumping fetid colon fumes into your living room. The other night Mrs. Poop and I were getting hot and heavy on the couch, I was *this close* to getting my hands on her jiggly boobs when what should I hear coming from under the bed?
“B-B-B-Blaaarrrt!”
Try getting the magic back after a moment like that! It can’t be done.
Nutro puppy food gets my dog so gassy I don’t think it could get any worse if we fed him liquid cottage cheeseburgers. What I don’t get about the whole thing is that Desmond’s breath is minty fresh. Even though he spends a good portion of his day sloppily munching his nutsack, shaft and phallus when it comes time to sniff my crotch, his breath is as fresh as the morning dew. So how does a dog take in a food orally, maintain sweet breath, and yet still produce gas so foul it would make a British pirate douche?
It’s a mystery. All I know is that if this goes on for much longer our formally white walls will acquire an oily stain from the ambient funk. Even if I immediately pass the dutchie to kill both the smell and my grip on the horribly putrid reality, I can still feel the enamel peeling from my teeth.
The other day I was in my kitchen about eat a nice blueberry muffin when Desmond had an “episode” so nasty it churned the cream I was going to use for my coffee into butter! Too much more of this and I’m going to have to take him back to the vet and see if this problem isn’t glandular. Luckily I own a pickup and he can ride in the back, if I owned a Bronco like my neighbor, he’d have to ride up front on our trips to the vet. His noxious air biscuits would probably force me off the road.
I shouldn’t joke though. I’d feel really bad if there was something wrong with him. Stuff on the outside like pimples, warts and bruised lips is one thing, but when a dogs insides are messed up, there’s just no way to tell. At least he looks good, and his fur is nice and soft, if he ever dies from intestinal hemorrhage I can always turn him into a pair of ear muffs for my wife.
Nutro Max Puppy Food is specifically formulated to meet the nutritional needs of puppies, giving them unbeatable taste, texture and nutrition. Its re...More at Simply Dog Food
Your puppy will love the taste of MAX Puppy. That's important to you because the most nutritious food in the world is worthless, if your puppy won't e...More at PetSmart
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