The Stolen Beer Adventures - Pabst Blue Ribbon
Written: Jul 06 '07 (Updated Jul 06 '07)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Cheap - in this case, verrry cheap
Cons: It's not exactly Sam Adams
The Bottom Line: PBR is cheap, trendy, and cheap. Look for it when you're in desperate measures, or on skid row. Otherwise, well, there's some really good beer out there.
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| teamfreak16's Full Review: Pabst Blue Ribbon |
“Need a penny, take a penny,” said the small, handwritten note on the liquor store counter. Immediately, I interpreted this saintly gentleman’s generosity as an offer of “need a beer, take a beer.” For I had no need of a dull copper penny from the proprietor’s counter-based tray, but I suffered a cruel summertime thirst, and I did need a cold beer. Two cold beers would be even better! I grabbed the two nearest beers out of the cooler door – Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR,) and thanked the man profusely for his bigheartedness as I snatched a penny – I figured that if I was taking up his offer of beer, I might as well accept his offer of a free penny, too – and ran out the door.
By the time I arrived at a secluded city park, where I could consume my free PBR in peace, the beers were sweating like an out of shape heavyweight struggling to answer the bell for the 12th round. Come to think of it, so was I. I needed to pssshht! crack open a 24oz condensation-soaked aluminum can of refreshing PBR and get down to some serious drinking. Well, as serious as drinking 48 ounces of domestic swill can be. Actually, swill is kind of mean to use here as a description, for PBR is probably one of the better beers in the cheap wino-section classification. Usually found alongside such stellar brands as Old Milwaukee, Milwaukee’s Best, Natural Light, and Schlitz – you know, those types of beer – PBR has actually become quite trendy the last few years. Multiple bars’s now proudly serve it cheaply on tap (I know of a bar near downtown Colorado Springs where PBR is a mere 5 bucks for a pitcher,) and many bars even have PBR nights during the week. Right now, it can actually make a gent appear more hip if he orders a PBR draft than a Bud or a Coors, or even a Guinness.
Pssshht! PBR pretty much smells – it’s nose, as it were – PBR smells pretty much as bland as any other cheap, domestic beer. There’s no sudden, thirst-inducing aroma of hops, no robust scent. It’s pretty much the smell of a watery, American beer. Nothing special, yet, for free, it smelled as if I’d just cracked open a Sam Adams. (Well, not really, it really smelled like watery, cheap American beer, but it was free, so screw it.
As a sudden fugitive drinking stolen beer illegally in public, I drank straight from the sweating aluminum can. So I can’t sit here and write that I poured the PBR perfectly into a pint glass, displaying a pleasant, golden-yellow color, a promise of the thirst-quenching I was about to undergo…no, I chugged the goddamn thing out of the can, man. For all I know, there were 20 or thirty cops looking for me. I’m dangerous, man, dangerous. Don’t let me walk past a lemonade stand, man, I’ll swipe a cup or two and be down the street before the kid even realizes she just lost a twenty-cent profit. However, I have been known to order this PBR stuff occasionally in a bar, since I’m so damn hip and trendy, and when the beer was served in an actual glass, not a plastic cup, it did have a somewhat goldenish-yellow hue, again, about the same as other cheap, domestic American wino-section brands. It wasn’t exactly as inviting as the deep, rich color of Sam Adams, but damn man, you have any idea what a pitcher of Sam Adams runs?
As far as taste is concerned, well, again, remember that PBR is your basic cheap, domestic, American beer. However, as far as skid row-level beer is concerned, I like it better than, say, the Old Milwaukee it was sitting next to when I nicked it. In fact, I actually prefer PBR to the other beers in its price range. Had I actually paid the $1.09 + tax for each 24oz can of carbonated buzz-inducer, it still would have been better than paying $1.29 (+ tax) for the OM right beside it. For one thing, PBR was selected as America’s Best Beer in 1893. That’s right, all you high-and-mighty beer snobs, America’s Best Beer in 1893! And when you’ve been honored as 1893’s Best American Beer, you get to dictate things! After all, there’s not a lot left to accomplish after such a prestigious honor, other than to just sit back, put your feet up, and watch the profits roll in for 114 years. Those cocky bastards over at Sam Adams can’t lay claim to America’s Best Beer, 1893. Nope, only PBR can. So don’t think of it as drinking cheap domestic swill, think of it as drinking 1893’s Top Beer! See, it tastes better already!
What can I say? PBR is economical, hip, and trendy. It’s perfect for parties, and for low-budget (very low budget) guzzlers. Sure, I’d rather have a Stella Artois or a Harp, too. But when all you’ve got is $1.09 (+ tax,) PBR makes perfect sense. And when you’ve stolen it, it tastes even better.
Steal Some Booze. Against the law? Sure. A hell of a rush? Absolutely. Of course, not getting caught is very important. Plan well. Nothing tastes sweeter. - Frank Kelly Rich, The Modern Drunkard
Recommended:
Yes
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teamfreak16
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Member: Scott G
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Reviews written: 601
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I am a Two-Legged Groove Machine.
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