I was stupid and began this review on an older laptop that just randomly POOF started working again. At the very of writing said review, the thing decided it was tired of being functional and the hard-drive more or less stopped spinning. I've lost reviews before, but this is the first time that I've actually trying to re-write it. This should be interesting. My apologies if this review bites.

So, anyway. I'm not entirely sure that this album needs a review. Pretty much anything with the Hilton-heiress on the cover is bound to be either a gigantic waste of time or just another exploit for the woman's unmatched stupidity. Or is it? There's something about Paris Hilton that seems very fake in a way that actually might benefit here. First off, there is no reason she should famous; secondly, she has no talent except potentially acting. There is no way somebody could be so unintelligent, and after testimonials from both Tyra Banks and Kathy Griffin claiming that it's all an act, my opinion of her is slowly changing. Say what you want about Ms. Griffin, but she's not a liar. If anything, she's probably too honest. I've also seen the rather funny video responses to John McCain's very public diss, in which she runs for fake president and "isn't offering change like that white-haired dude; I'm just really hot." Okay, so she can be funny. And when I say funny, I mean funny. When you pop in Ms. Hilton's eponymous debut record Paris, you are greeted with one of the worst dance songs I've ever heard in my life-- and that's saying something.

Turn It Up is a generic club song that begins with some of the most embarrassing sound-bytes in music history: "Yeah." "That's hot." "Scott Storch." "Yeah." It sounds like typical club-dreck, but it's actually really, really funny when whispered in a sex-kitten voice that makes her sound like a sleazy stripper. When the song kicks in (heh), her doctored vocals irritate with ease, and the overlayed chorus is obnoxious. Right from the first verse, Paris proves what we all thought about her when this record was announced: she can't sing. Not even a little. There are certain artists who may not have the best voices (Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, and Kurt Cobain for starters), but she flat out has no personality in her vocals and she can't get a step about talking without it being a stretch. The slower Jealousy, a reported stab at fellow-socialite Nicole Ritchie, is a desperate attempt at sounding relevant to a tween market that sounds like a tacky Miley Cyrus song. But then again, maybe she gets some musical cred for having her name tacked on to the end of the songwriting credits? No? Okay, nevermind.

This record is a little schizophrenic musically, giving off a serious Disney vibe. Much like David Archuleta of American Idol, Lindsay Lohan, or Vanessa Hudgens, Paris croaks through dance songs as well as some power-pop tracks that are reminiscent of Avril Lavigne. Nothing in This World is one of the more successful pop-rock songs that features a really nice melody. Unfortunately, Paris brings nothing to the table except a shotgun, mercilessly slaughtering this track and anything good about it. Maybe if somebody with vocal talent were singing it, it would be a really fun song; unfortunately there's nothing cute about Paris's annoying rasp that sounds more like a prepubescent boy's voice cracking that anything sultry. Stars Are Blind was a Top 20 hit that an absolutely catchy chorus, featuring a really cool and mellow reggae production. But, oh, did I mention that this song rips off UB40's Kingston Town almost note for note? Yeah, that's why you've been secretly bopping your head to the hypnotically relaxing beat. This would be one of many samples used on Paris's debut, but as far as I know, this is the only one where they didn't give credit where credit was due; they did, however, give credit to the bastardized use of Cyndi's classic Time After Time as well as the painful use of Frankie Valli's Grease (speaking of Frankie, I might review his stuff soon...) Oh, and don't forget the classy lyrics, such as "They wanna take me for a ride / But when I walk, they talk of suicide..."

As if this record wasn't bad enough and an absolute trainwreck to listen to, Paris covered Do You Think I'm Sexy, an annoying Rod Stewart song. Rod is a horrendous singer, and the fact that he does crooner makes my ear canals cry; therefore, this should have been the kind of song Paris could turn out! But then I figured it out. Rod can sing...Rod just has an annoying voice. Paris has neither talent nor a good voice, resulted in her sounding like an 80-year-old woman at the ends of her battle with throat cancer. Her gargles during the chorus are downright icky, and Scott Storch's tacky production takes this song as well as the entire album to a level lower than Britney Spears and Mariah Carey. If you do end up with a copy of this album, get ready for embarrassing attempts at being street on Fightin' Over Me and unintentional puns on the aptly titled Screwed.

VERDICT
Paris's debut record is just as bad as you think it is. Storch's production is terrible, and her doctored vocals are an absolute nightmare-- I don't even want to think of how she sounds "live." I hope to Hell that she doesn't try again... Maybe if Haylie Duff won the battle over the rights to Screwed it could have been saved. Don't think so. It's ju...and the...bu...no. No more words.

01. Turn It Up [0 Stars]
02. Fightin' Over Me [0 Stars]
03. Stars Are Blind [2 Stars]
04. I Want You [0 Stars]
05. Jealousy [0 Stars]
06. Heartbeat [0 Stars]
07. Nothing In This World [2.5 Stars]
08. Screwed [0 Stars]
09. Not Leaving With You [0 Stars]
10. Turn You On [0 Stars]
11. Do You Think I'm Sexy [0 Stars]

Best: Nothing In This World
Worst: Fightin' Over Me, Do You Think I'm Sexy, Jealousy

SCORE: 1 SKULL (.40+ )

Recommended: No