Whino.

It's the hottest new genre. Some might call it emo, but in reality, it should be called whino. This is where some jackass with a nasal infection whines about how his girlfriend dumped him back in high school and how all these years later, he still isn't over it. The wussiest of all these whiny a*s bands is Dashboard Confessional, though there's also bands like Story of the Year. What's worse is that some people actually consider these bands to be a bit punk. Yeah, and I'm f*cking gangsta.

I say that not because Zebrahead's Playmate of the Year album is "emo;" sonically it's more pop punk and rap rock merged into one. But I say that because despite their harder edged musical leanings, Zebrahead comes off just as whiny, just over a edgier (if you want to call this "edgy") background.

I think I'll start with Wasted. If I were 15 I might actually look at this song as halfway decent. But I'm not 15 and this song ends up coming off as one of the more whiny songs on the record. Peg Bundy didn't sound this whiny at any one time in her ten plus seasons on TV. The lyrics are actually quite non-sensical when you actually look at them, and the music is all mushed together like a bad orgy.

"But Matt, aren't you being too hard on these guys? Are they really this bad? They can't possibly be this bad, can they?"

Oh, but they can. You need look no further than to Livin' Libido Loco, which I guess is a bit of a parody of the Latin pop phenomenon of a few years back. The song traces a kind of West Side Story plot, but the song just leaves me with a headache. Who knew someone could make Spanish music sound like an anthem of the whiny? Something tells me the band finished this song and high fived each other thinking they were the greatest thing on earth. The best thing I can say for it is that it sounds nothing like the rest of the album, the only song I can say that about.

The band had a small (very very small) radio hit in Now or Never, which featured rapping that sounded like a big clusterf*ck. Guys, it's called anunciation, if Snoop Dogg can be bothered, you could too. The song featured a catch as catch can chorus that was actually decipherable and somewhat hummable. The problem is is that musically it sounded like the rest of the album with a somewhat better hook on the chorus.

The band plays up their "playful" side, which, in layman's terms, means they wrote a couple of ridiculous novelty songs. Among these is the title track ("we can play spin the bottle, everyone can hear her say that I was the best she ever had, she could be my playmate, and she could call me dad, whoooo, yeah") which is the beginning of one long never-ending song. There's also I'm Money which may just be the most inane song I think I've ever heard; besides the fact that white guys should never EVER say they're "money," the song has this awful faux ska rhythm to it that works as a slap in the face to truly great ska acts. Of course, the chorus reverts back to the norm for this group: fuzzy guitars, a chorus that aches to be catchier than it is, and a rhythm section that is just along for the ride.

But the band doesn't stay out of "whine mode" for too long. They make sure that they let you know how bad they have it on The Hell That is My Life, which gives Chris Carrabba a run for his money in terms of pure b*tching.

If I haven't convinced you yet that this band is not worth your time, then I don't know if I ever will. Suffice to say, the rapping sucks (kind of like a Mike Shinoda on helium without the talent), the music resorts to the same damn things over and over again, and the lyrics range from whiny to juvenile. I'm not quite sure why or how I ended up with this CD in my collection, but if anyone is looking for a coaster, this would do quite well. And so help me, if this band ever becomes big, I'm suing the American Record Buying Public for defamation of character.

Zebrahead, I fart in your general direction, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away before I am forced to taunt you a second time.

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