Positive Discipline in the Christian Home
Written: Oct 08 '02
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Product Rating:
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Pros: some good parenting ideas
Cons: some ridiculous parenting ideas
The Bottom Line: This book has some good ideas and some crazy ideas, read it with a wary mind.
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| CindyJean's Full Review: Positive Discipline in the Christian Home: Using t... |
Introduction
When the ‘Books’ Category Leads here at Epinions started talking about trying to get some review copies of books from publishers for Top Reviewers to be able to review I was impressed, but I really didn’t expect it to happen quickly and wasn’t even sure it would happen for me at all.
When I received e-mail from one of the Leads asking if I would be interested in receiving a copy of “Positive Discipline in the Christian Home” I said yes, of course.
Not all writing that claims to be Christian fits into what I believe, as can be said for most Christians. I figured that if it was a good tool for fellow Christian parents I could extol its virtues and if it was ‘wacko’ then I could warn people away from it.
When the book arrived from the publisher I read over the back cover. When I saw this quote from Dr. Kevin Leman, author of “Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours”—“A practical guide for every loving parent. What a great job the authors have done to make the seemingly complex job of being a parent a lot simpler.”—I felt at ease. Having studied Dr. Leman’s mentioned book in a Sunday school class and loving his ideas, I felt I could trust his endorsement.
Chapter by Chapter
Chapter 1: What is Discipline?
Most people equate discipline with punishment, but discipline comes from a Latin root that means to teach. Major themes throughout this chapter include Discipline That Teaches is Respectful to Children and Parents, Discipline that Teaches Must Be Effective in the Long Term, Discipline that Teaches Is Kind and Firm at the Same Time.
Chapter 2: The Challenge of Christian Parenting
Every parent faces a challenge in raising their children, but Christian parents face the struggle of raising Godly children in an often ungodly world. Major points that the authors want parents to ponder include Responsibility and Cooperation, the Seven Keys, Parenting Styles, Beware of What ‘Works,’ Positive Discipline Approach, The Scriptural Model, What Do You Want For Your Children?, and Life Lesson: “He Saw That It Was Good.”
This is the chapter in which I really started to take exception with some of the concepts this book teaches. In the sub-chapter, Beware of What ‘Works’ the authors slam the Biblically endorsed practice of spanking. Note: Before I go any further I will say that yes I spank my kids. I have never beat nor hit my children, but I have swatted behinds and hands when the issue was serious—generally regarding personal safety. The authors equate spanking with shaming and humiliating. Spanking has never been used in my house in that manner, nor with any other Christian parents I know. I’m sure some parents use it that way, but certainly not the majority.
In the final sub-chapter, Life Lesson: He Saw That It Was Good, I think the authors miss a key Biblical point. They press the issue of parents viewing children as basically good, thinking back to the time in Genesis when God created the world. When God looked at his creation he was that it was good. The author seems to forget to point out that this was BEFORE the original sin, when the world was still pure. When sin entered into the world it was in every man. Man is born with a sin nature. For this reason I believe that parents must be vigilant in learning (and gently correcting) their child’s faults rather than just trying to catch them being good.
Chapter 3: Family Atmosphere: The Foundation
This chapter includes eleven elements that will set the stage for family life and parenting: Make Sure the Message of Love Gets Through, Practice Kindness and Firmness at the Same Time, Change Your Vocabulary/Change Your Actions, Are You Looking for Blame or for Solutions?, Put Your Relationship First, Avoid Sibling Fights and an Atmosphere of Competition, Remember: Mistakes are an Opportunity to Learn, Maintain an Atmosphere of Self-Understanding, Maintain a Sense of Humor, Cultivate and Attitude of Gratitude, and Develop Faith—in God, in Yourself, and in Your Children.
My favorite lesson found in this chapter is lacking in many parenting books and discussions. I like the fact that the author tells the parents to put their relationships with one another first, not the child. Children often feel like the center of the universe because their parents’ worlds revolve around them. In a parent’s life God should be first, then spouse, then kids. That doesn’t mean the difference should be immense, but children get security from the strength and stability of their parents’ relationship.
Chapter 4: The Scriptural Backbone of Positive Discipline
In this chapter, the author lays the scriptural foundation for their views on parenting. Just because someone can find a verse that says what they want doesn’t always mean that it’s necessarily Biblical, people often twist the Bible to suit their desires. With this book the scriptures are sound, and do not appear to be taken out of context, which is a great relief to me.
Sub-sections in this chapter include Why Understand Adler?, Equality and Mutual Respect, Do You Win Over Children or Win Children Over?, The Primary Human Need: Belonging and Significance, Encouragement, There are Always Beliefs Behind Behavior, Social Interest, Mistakes are a Wonderful Opportunity to Learn, Make Sure the Message of Love Gets Through, and Built on Rock.
Chapter 5: “But the Lord Looks at the Heart”: Getting Into Your Child’s World
The first section of this chapter focuses on Understanding Development and Developmental Appropriateness. This is broken down further to include Ages and Stages: Birth to Three Years, The Preschool Years, The School Years, Early Adolescence, and Adolescence. This is where the book talks about different age appropriate lessons for children to help them become who they are meant to be.
This chapter also includes sub-sections entitles Spend “Special” Time, Choose Curiosity Over Judgment, Be Aware of the Influence of Technology and Culture, Share Your Own History, Build a Spiritual Life Together, and Love Your Children Enough to Let Them Go.
Chapter 6: What Does Birth Order Have to Do With This?
This section talks about how the order of our child’s birth can influence his or her personality. Generally speaking oldest children are more like to be high achievers often bossy. Middle children, whether the middle of three or one of the middle of four or more, tend to be dramatically different than the older child(ren). The middle child struggles to find his place in the family being neither the oldest nor the baby. The youngest child’s role is easy to determine, and quite often they will play it to the hilt. Children will often see one child doing well in a specific area and seek out another area to find their own significance.
Sub-chapters here include The Parts We Play, A Case Study: Maria, Sarah, and Josh, Same But Different, “Who Dresses You in the Morning?,” “Somebody Threw Away the Birth Order Rules in My Family!,” and What Does it All Mean?
Chapter 7: The Four Goals of Misbehavior: Why Do Kids Do What They Do?
This chapter delves into why children misbehave and what they hope to gain from it. It was really rather insightful, putting my mind into that of my child’s and often understanding where he’s coming from.
Sub-chapters here include Encouragement is Key to Understanding Mistaken Goals, misbehavior Signals the Beginning of Discouragement, The Need for Positive Discipline Teaching Tools, Breaking the Goal: How to Use the Mistaken Goal Chart, and The Mistaken Goal Chart in Action.
I found the Mistaken Goal Chart to be useful, but not perfect. It seemed overly psychoanalytical. Sometimes when a kid is misbehaving it’s just that they aren’t getting their whims indulged, not some deep-seeded need for something or other. Tantrums happen. Selfishness happens. Bad behavior happens.
Chapter 8: Positive Discipline Tools: What’s in Your Parenting Tool Kit?
This chapter encourages parents to use a variety of discipline tools. Remember, they view discipline as teaching, not punishment.
Sub-chapters include Three Discipline Tools Especially for Christian Homes, Six Positive Discipline Tools, and Positive Discipline Tools in the Real World.
This is the chapter where the real ‘meat’ of the book comes in, explaining how to us the Positive Discipline method. The authors have some very good ideas here, but I don’t agree with all of them. The authors also took the time to make another dig at parents who use spanking as a disciplinary tool.
Chapter 9: The Magic of Encouragement
This chapter focuses on how encouragement of a child can help to eliminate some of the struggles that happen between parents and children.
The sub-chapter here include The Four Steps for Winning Cooperation, Respect, The Magic of Encouragement, Jesus and the Woman Caught in Adultery, Reframing and Redirecting Misbehavior, Looking for Improvement Not Perfection, Dealing With Social Pressure, Special Time, and Tools to Encourage Our Children.
Chapter 10: “A Gentle Answer Turns Away Wrath”: Understand Feelings and Communications
This chapter teaches parents to understand their children by learning to understand a kid’s feelings and learn the ways they communicate these feelings to you.
This chapter includes the sub-chapters What Are Feelings Anyway?, Understanding the Message of Nonverbal Communication, The Power of Active Listening, Using Positive Time-Outs to Manage Emotions, “Well What About My Feelings?”, and Growing a Listening Heart.
I found this chapter to be useful not only in understanding your kids, but in understanding all people a bit better.
Chapter 11: Family Meetings
This chapter discusses what the author’s feel to be the benefits of a family meeting, and the best ways to organize them through the sub-chapters Prayer and/or Scriptural Reading, Compliments and Appreciations, Share Something Positive, Agenda Items for Sharing, Discussion, or Problem Solving, Calendar, Additional Announcements, Celebration, Concerns to Consider, and Concluding Thoughts.
Chapter 12: Celebrating the Family
In this chapter the authors discuss the importance of the family unit and ways to celebrate it.
Sub-chapters here include Rituals and Traditions, A Place Where You Want to Be, What About School?, and Sharing the Blessings.
My Thoughts
I’ll start this section by mentioning my biggest problem with this book (and no, it’s not their constant digs on spanking). The authors of this book are against punishment. Not spanking, punishment. They also don’t support time-outs, groundings, or any other form of punishment. I’m sorry, but some behaviors take a strong motivator to correct, and punishment can provide that motivation. I don’t think punishments should be designed to humiliate, but the authors seem to think that all punishments are humiliating and shameful and shouldn’t happen.
My second biggest beef with this book was its digs on spanking. As I mentioned above, when used properly (in a non-abusive manner) spanking can be a useful parenting tool.
This book did, however, provide some insights into children and parenting that I hadn’t really spent much time thinking about. I was especially impressed with the chapter on Birth order and how it effects children’s perception of their role in their family.
Recommendation
This book has some really useful ideas for parents to think about when they come up with a parenting strategy. I found some of the information in here invaluable.
However, there are some ideas in this book that I think are silly, bordering on ludicrous.
I would recommend that Christian parents read this book, but take it with a grain of salt and make sure to use your common sense when digesting what you read.
Nuts & Bolts
Authors
“Positive Discipline in the Christian Home” is a collaborative effort of Jane Nelson, Ed.D.; Cheryl Erwin, M.A.; Michael L. Brock, M.A.; and Mary L. Hughes, M.H.R.
Publisher
“Positive Discipline in the Christian Home” is a product of Prima Publishing, a division of Random House.
Copyright
“Positive Discipline in the Christian Home” bears a copyright date of 2002, so it’s very up-to-date.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
CindyJean
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