shmoo1's Full Review: Christopher Moore - Practical Demonkeeping
WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL AGES. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
At 11 a.m. on June 27th 1992, police from Pine Valley, a small town in central California, broke down the door to W.E.V.L , a Radio station made famous by the “Harry Balls' Radio Show”. The town of Pine Valley borders Pine Cove, an ex- fishing community which had been besieged with strange rumors and gossip. What the P.V.P.D originally thought to be a prank turned out to be the site of the biggest mystery to hit the area in half a century. Despite being the middle of a work day, not one member of the W.E.V.L staff could be found (and none have been heard from since). All police found were several small blood drops, a pool of acidic saliva, and what appeared to be a large hairball.
The following is a transcript of the last few minutes of the last “Harry Balls' Radio Show”
Harry Balls- OK, hey... welcome back folks. I'm your humble tour guide Harry Balls and with me today are two of the stars from Practical Demonkeeping the debut novel from hot young author Christopher Moore.
Thunderous applause sound effect
Harry Balls- First and foremost, I have to turn to our little green friend to my right. You're Catch- The Destroyer... a demon right? Please.. tell us a bit about yourself. Catch-... eat $hit and die... Harry Balls- hehehehe... umm Catch, you can't say “eat $hit and die” on live radio. You're going to get me in trouble with the censors. Catch- yeah... and like I really give a flying f*ck about you. Travis O'Hearn- Catch, stop being a tool and answer the man or I'll make you push the car all the way up the California coast line. Catch- Oh very well... "Master"...if you say so. Why yes Harry, I'm a Demon. Specifically a Demon of the twenty-seventh order. Harry Balls- interesting... and that means.. what for the uninitiated in the audience. Catch- ...you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you Harry...well I'm a Destroyer. That's what I do... I Destroy. Hell, like any other organization, has a pecking order, a chain of command if you will. There are minor demons like the ones who ensure your socks don't match when you go out on a first date or the ones who give you zits and then there are the Big Guys; the Demons in charge of Greed, Lust, Sloth... you know... the deadlies. Being of the twenty seventh order puts me somewhere in between. Harry Balls-... so, sort of demonic Middle Management, Hahahaha.. Catch-... Hahahahaha.... I'm going to pop your skull between my teeth like a grape. Harry Balls- Excuse me? Travis O'Hearn- Catch, knock it off. Harry, I suggest that you and I talk for a while. Catch is... easily provoked. You might want to be careful about making him angry... you wouldn't like him when he's angry. Harry Balls- ummmm...what happens when he's angry? Travis O'Hearn- same as what happens when he's hungry. He... “Hulks out” I guess is a good description. He turns from a somewhat cute, green, scaly hard to see demon, in to a monstrous, ravenous eating machine with razor sharp teeth and claws that could rip your flesh from your bones. Harry Balls- Got it. No Anger. Just for curiosities sake, when was the last time he ate? Travis O'Hearn- couple of days ago. He had a junkie. I've been trying to steer him towards the “less fortunate” of society. The wino's, homeless, addicts... you know... Harry Balls- That's very... humane of you Travis. Oh, I just realized that I haven't introduced you to the listeners. Folks, with me, sitting next to Catch, is Travis O'Hearn, Catch's long time companion. Travis can you fill us in on the relationship that you and Catch have?. Travis O'Hearn- wow, where to start. Well I first met Catch when I was in my early twenties. Harry Balls- so what... about three years ago? Travis O'Hearn- no... closer to seventy. Harry Balls- sooo... that would make you... Travis O'Hearn- ninety... right. Catch, stop sniffing Harry's Producer!!... anyway people have asked what I attribute my youthful looks to. Diet? Exercise? Do I bathe in a freezing pool of Goat's milk every morning or slap my weener on Thursdays? No. From the moment I summoned Catch I stopped aging, I was never sick again. Harry Balls- not tryin' to be funny here but what would posses you to summon a demon? Travis O'Hearn- It was an accident. I keep trying to tell everyone. You think I meant to? After World War One I went in to the seminary. I was 16. One of the priests there, a Father Jasper, took me on as some sadistic pet project.
faint sound of a door opening and closing
Travis- He got immense pleasure from beating me. One night, he stripped me down, made me lie in front of the alter and whipped me. Then he threatened me with excommunication if I told anyone. I wasn't thinking clearly. I started polishing a set of twelve hundred year old candlesticks that were given to the monastery from the Vatican. One of them had a removable base. I unscrewed it and found out it was hollow. Inside was a scroll written in multiple languages. I read it and up popped Catch. Not my fault. Harry Balls- Wow, great story... How did you explain Catch to Father Jasper? Travis- I didn't have to. Catch ate him. He's got a thing about eating priests. It makes him chuckle.
faint sound of a door opening and closing
Travis- Catch?.. what have you got in your mouth? Catch-... nuffin.... Harry Balls- It's a boot... it kind of looks like the janitor's. Catch, where did you get Mike's boot? Catch- ... no where... it was just lying on the floor outside... Travis- ooohhh...Harry, we better speed this up a bit. I ran away from the seminary. I figured that I could shake Catch. I couldn't, he followed me. I tried to take a train but Catch was at every station when we stopped. On the train I met a woman named Amanda. I gave her the candlesticks. I've spent the last seventy years trying to find her. I figure there might be a spell in the other candlestick that sends him back. I'm pretty sure she's living in Pine Cove Harry Balls- You're doing this alone? Isn't anyone helping you? Hey... where's my producer Janice? sound of someone burping
Travis- Oh for cryin' out loud Catch, can't I take you anywhere? Catch- What? I didn't do nothin' You always think the worst of me. Harry, does Janice normally have Martini's for lunsh... hic... I mean lunch? Travis-before we leave Harry, “Yes” I have a few people helping me. Gian Hen Gian, when he isn't calling me the “son of a camel's snot rag” or drinking salt water is also attempting to find the scrolls which he claims were given originally to Solomon by God himself. Harry Balls- and he'd know this because?... stop, Catch that tickles.. Travis-... he's kind of immortal. He claims to be “The King Of The Djinn” who were the first beings created on earth, long before humans. He says that God made humans just to irritate Satan. Harry Balls- hehehehe... well I've certainly known a few who could. Catch... I said knock it off. Travis- Also with Gian are Augustus Brine who owns a combo General Store and Wine Shop in Pine Cove, Howard Phillips who runs HP's Cafe... which is sort of a tribute to Lovecraft and serves stuff like "Eggs Sothoth" and "Spuds of Madness" and Mavis Sand... Harry Balls- Hey, I know Mavis... she owns “The Head Of The Slug.” I've been in there for a drink... CATCH...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU CUT IT OUT!!!
sound of a heavy slap
Travis- Oh.... $hit.... no. Catch... CATCH... CATCH don't do it!!!
Thunderous roar, screaming, sound of twigs breaking and wet smacking noises
Travis- ohh, crap Catch... nice going...I guess we'd better leave. Catch-... not my fault. He p*ssed me off...Hey, do all D.J's taste like KY Jelly?
far off burp. Door opening and closing
OPINION:
A slightly lower rating on this Moore book, but it was his first. Still, while it's probably the second weakest book he's written, it rates above average. The concept is excellent and there isn't a throw away character in the story. Even the ones who die quickly are fleshed out fully. It is a treat to read this knowing that Catch, Detective Rivera, Mavis Sand and others from Pine Cove all show up in later stories. Where Moore receives a light smack on the hand is the flow. It's a bit choppy.(Imagine... me saying someone else's writing style is choppy...) The back story of Catch and Travis doesn't show up until after more than three quarters of the book is done. You feel like it would have been better addressed sooner. Almost every chapter is an introduction or back story to a new character. It differs from Moore's later style of smooth introductions through character interaction.
Still, this book is one that should be read. It's fun and Moore's outrageous, absurd humor is very well reflected in Catch's dialog. You can almost see a twinkle in Moore's eye. An excited spark as if he knows what's coming in further books.
...oh, and I believe this is only the 2nd book in history to include the line "Your mother sucks c*cks in Hell". That's worth something, isn't it?
In Christopher Moore's ingenious debut novel, we meet one of the most memorably mismatched pairs in the annals of literature. The good-looking one is ...More at HotBookSale
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