Huff and Puff and Blow Your Brains Out
Written: Dec 21 '05 (Updated Dec 21 '05)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Who knew something made from a tree could be so absorbent.
Cons: About as strong as, well, tissues.
The Bottom Line: Good enough for industrial strength snot.
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| dncswknivs's Full Review: Puffs Plus Lotion Facial Tissues, 2 Ply, Unscented |
As I'm recovering from my deathbed I'm reflecting that what probably saved my life was these tissues. I likely would have drowned in my own snot had I not had these as my bed companion for three days.
The story begins three days ago when I felt a case of the "sniffles" coming on. Bachelors, of course, have no reason to keep tissues in the house when no one is experiencing illness - it takes up precious table space that is properly relegated to pizza boxes, day old newspapers, and dirty dishes. Besides, toilet paper works just fine.
The supposed "sniffles" transformed into a full-contact, death-match flue within 24 hours. It way-laid me in the early hours of the morning when I least suspected it, and in compliance with Murphy's law, when my tissue supply was at an all time low.
I learned interesting things about my body in the subsequent 36 hours. For example, my body's capacity to produce snot probably deserves a place in the Guinness Book of World Records. The word prodigious come to mind. In terms of efficiency, my body's snot production would put Henry Ford's assembly line to shame. I was a living, snot-making machine. And not just ordinary snot, this was industrial strength snot, the sort of green glowing stuff that gave birth to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
In an act of bravery, stupidity and desperation, I made a dash for my vehicle with snoticles trailing behind like ribbons in the wind. I drove (under the influence of snot) to the nearest supermarket, narrowly avoiding pedestrians, curbs and other vehicles while trying to peer through the razor-like slits that were my eyes. I navigated down the paper products isle, stumbling like a drunk man when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel: the tissues.
I have to be honest. I just sort of grabbed the nearest box, which happened to be Puffs Plus with lotion, thankful to have something to drip into. I might have appeared to be a little uncouth, ripping the box open in the store and honking like a Canadian goose, but the relief was worth it.
Over the next two days I kept boxes of tissue at my side, body guards, or more accurately, nose guards. When I had to drive somewhere (blow responsibly, never blow and drive) my front passenger seat and floor became a portable garbage disposal, littered four inches deep with used tissue. Hygienic? No. Practical? Yes.
Puff's Plus are fairly impressive. In all that wiping, dabbing, staunching, smearing and blotting my nose didn't become irritated or red. Perhaps it was something to do with technique, but I give a deferential nod towards my paper companions.
I could have liked them to be a bit stronger. There was no lady-like puffing going on here. This snot was ejected vehemently from my body with a full-on, gale force, nasal acceleration designed to put it into orbit. After one or two hearty, experimental, woodsman-like blows they operated more like a sieve than tissues, letting the wet stuff through while straining the large chunks.
Residue was minimal. Only a small amount of residual tissue material remained on hands and face. However, my accuracy in determining this is inherently flawed as my eyesight was diminished.
I'll never quite understand why manufacturers insist on scenting tissues. To be completely honest, in my condition I couldn't have smelled dog poop if it was on my nose, much less the aloe/lotion combination they claim to have infused into the tissues.
My overall conclusion is that in a pinch, Puffs Plus saved my life. I look forward to their new and more vigorous product debuting later this year, Puffs for Noses of Mass Destruction, with Aloe.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
dncswknivs
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Location: USA
Reviews written: 70
Trusted by: 23 members
About Me:
Traveler and writer, I've traversed four continents and 16 countries.
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