Message To My Friends
Written: Aug 08 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: 100% Effective
Cons: Doesn't cure cancer.
The Bottom Line: Please only read this review if you are familiar with me.
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| Hard_To_Please's Full Review: RID Maximum Strength Lice Killing Shampoo |
Please do not read this if you are not familiar with me. I know that sounds like a strange request, but you will understand at the end of this review. If you insist on wanting to learn about RID, I’ll signify when the actual product review is over with several ***********. The paragraphs following the asterisks contain very personal news directed to the several hundred of you whom I have come to think of as friends over the past year and a half, but will be of no interest to the consumer with pubic lice.
What NOT to do When You Discover You Have Crabs
At the tender age of 16, I was on a family vacation at the beach when much to my horror I discovered I had crabs (and I don't mean snow crabs!) I was absolutely mortified and there was no way I was coming out of that hotel bathroom until I had eliminated the enemy.
Not being as worldly in the ways of STDs as I am today, I naively assumed that certainly one of the products among the array spread across the bathroom counter would do the trick.
I actually started with the most logical weapon in my available arsenal- a can of 'Off!' After liberally saturating my puubes with the stuff, I sat down on top of the toilet and eagerly awaited the mass exodus that I knew would occur as soon as the little red-eyed suckers were overpowered by the sickeningly-perfumery smell and began leaping 'Off!' of me in a parasitic panic.
I waited and waited. And waited. They now actually seemed happier than they did before being soaked with insecticide.
Time for Plan B. Of course! My mom's nail polish remover! It REALLY smelled bad and burned my eyes (and contained the word 'remover') so I was certain the crabs would head for the hills
as soon as they were doused with a liberal dose of Plan B.
Needless to say, I quickly learned that the greatest pain known to man comes from pouring liquid fire on his sack. My screams, moans, and howls quickly had my parents knocking on the door asking if I was all right. "Just singing" I managed to spit out through clenched teeth.
By a divine miracle, I had not yet drained the bathtub after taking the bath in which I discovered my new companions and jumped back in with such force that I cracked my head on the bottom of the tub.
I swished back and forth in the tepid water whimpering as softly as possible for about ten minutes before the pain began to subside. Then I realized that Plan C was so obvious I didn't know why I didn't think of it first- I would drown the little b@stards!
I could've sworn I could see tiny bubbles rising from their mouths and knew it was only a matter of time. Well, after two hours and ever more insistent parental shouts of "What are you doing in there?!", I figured the job was done.
It was pretty disappointing when I stood up and they didn't all drop dead to the floor. It was even more disappointing when there were even more of them the next day!
It wasn't until we returned home from vacation that I decided to call the STD Hotline and was advised to go buy a tube of RID. I cannot tell you the humiliation that the young semi-virginal Hard-To-Please felt as he furtively searched the Lice Treatment aisle in Walgreens. I seriously considered either shoplifting the box or learning to adjust to a life with hundreds of disgusting vermin attached to my crotch. I eventually came up with the great idea of buying some toothpaste so as to prove to the counter-lady that I hadn’t made a special trip just for the RID. “Yes ma’am, I came in to buy the Crest and this RID was just an impulse buy!”
I made the five-mile trip home in record time and was in the shower before the water even had a chance to warm up. As a matter of fact, it was so cold that I was concerned that my target area had shrunken so drastically that my RID attack would be futile. But as the water warmed and my target area returned to its’ original size, I began to apply the shampoo.
I had expected it to smell like ‘RAID’, so was pleasantly surprised to discover it didn’t smell much different from my normal shampoo. It lathered quite nicely and there was more than enough to use on a man three times my size. I then followed the directions on the box instructing me to use the tiny comb
in the kit to comb out the nits. Nits are the eggs that the lice attach to the base of individual hairs- in other words, future generations of crabs eager to carry on the work of their parents.
I cackled maniacally as the shampoo-covered adults and the eggs easily combed out and swirled down the drain- the only thing the experience lacked was being able to hear their screams of agony as they disappeared from my tub and from my life.
I am delighted to report that the ‘RID’ was one hundred percent effective at wiping out the entire crab colony. And believe me- I checked daily for weeks. “RID’ is relatively cheap for the miracle it performs and accomplished what an entire can of ‘Off!’, a half bottle of nail polish remover, and two hours underwater could not. It can also be used on head-lice which are common even among the cleanest and wealthiest of schoolkids. There is no shame in purchasing ‘RID’- just don’t forget the Crest decoy!
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OK, my friends- time for the tough part. Let me explain why I’m using this review to share my news. I spent several hours searching EVERY category and there is no category which is appropriate. Yes, we’ve all heard others say the same thing and we have often told the perpetrators, “Too bad- you need to wait for the category- we all have stuff we want to review, but we follow the rules and wait”.
Unfortunately, the category I need will never appear, but I absolutely must be honest with those of you with whom I have developed an on-line relationship. I considered using my profile page, but suspect that most of us don’t really pay attention to profile pages unless they are as constantly entertaining as Sordid-1’s. Plus, having this news plastered on my profile page would come across as a plea for pity- the last thing I want.
Next, I wanted to insert this into a review to demonstrate that I still have my sense of humor and will continue to laugh until my final breath.
And if none of this justifies my non-product related ending, let me throw out this technicality. This review covers crabs and as we all know, the Zodiac sign for Cancer is the crab. Therefore, Crabs = Cancer.
What I’m trying to tell you is that I have received confirmation this week that I have cancer. I have been quite ill for many weeks, and like a typical man ignored the ever-increasing symptoms for far too long. I finally checked myself in the hospital two weeks ago and after endless CAT scans, X-Rays, Blood tests, Urine tests, and biopsies, my worst fears have come true.
I have a very large tumor on one of my kidneys and the cancer has spread into my lungs, my liver, and my lymph nodes. My team of Oncologists is still plotting a course of action, and it is likely that I will be participating in Research programs since I’ve been informed that this will not respond well to Chemotherapy. I am currently out of the hospital and we have not decided whether I will have to travel to a different state to receive the treatment I need.
I am still in shock, but have always admired those willing to share their stories with others and so hope that you will listen to what I’m about to say very carefully. If something feels wrong with your body (and you will instinctively know) – do not ignore it. Do not hope it goes away on its’ own. Do not be afraid that you will hear bad news. They tell me that this apparently started over a year ago- how much better it would have been to hear ‘We discovered a tiny tumor, but caught it early enough to easily treat it’ than to hear ‘The cancer has spread throughout your body’. Don’t make the same mistake!
I am doing my best to stay positive. I will still spend a bit of time on the site, but I get tired quickly so am sad that I cannot keep up with everyone as I am accustomed to. I apologize for presenting this news in this manner, but the reasons I gave above are sincere.
Funny how something like this puts life into perspective- I would give anything in the world right now to have a simple case of crabs!
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
Hard_To_Please
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 - Top 1000 |
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Location: St. Louis, MO
Reviews written: 47
Trusted by: 741 members
About Me:
MARK IS MISSED!
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