Finally, a Lipstick That Will Not Rub Off On Your Baby Daddy Thang
Written: May 28 '03
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Product Rating:
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Pros: I feel really sexy for about 4 minutes when I wear this lipcolor.
Cons: To attract the highest echelon of man, I need to look sexy for 7 minutes.
The Bottom Line: Use it to paint your toenails or decorate Easter eggs instead. Unless you are Jewish!
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| Lobstergirl's Full Review: Revlon ColorStay Overtime Lipcolor |
Like Ed Grover, I never buy a lipstick unless it’s free. This one was on sale for $6.99 and came with a $6.99 mail-in rebate. The only cost is my dignity, which I surrender every time I implore the Epinions brass to make me a Wellness, Beauty and Pustules Category Lead. I think this might finally be the review that pushes me over the top!
I’m wary of these semi-permanent cosmetics. Somehow they manage to stay on too long, yet not long enough; they don’t fulfill their sales pitch promise of looking presentable through a 40 piece bucket of KFC and a full-on oral molestation of someone like David Boies, yet they tend to leave you with some kind of unfortunate crayola-esque residue that you wish wasn’t there when you cross paths with the hot blonde Jew at the coffee machine. (Have I ever mentioned how much I love Jews? Yes, it’s true. Sadly, to the best of my knowledge I am not half-Jewish, or even one-sixty-fourth!)
Following the instructions closely, I applied a layer of color with the sponge tip and waited for it to dry. It did, quickly and harshly; it is obviously free of emollients such as butter, canola oil, sebum, or James Carville’s seropurulent pus. I paused and let out a big slow fart, the kind of fart that would send Kurds scrambling to air raid shelters, if they had any. I felt like the Hindenburg gradually expelling its giant load of hydrogen. Then, feeling much less dirigiblelike, I spent a few seconds thinking about Slobodan Milosevic and Cuddles the first ever seeing-eye horse. I applied the glossy topcoat with the tiny wand.
I looked very spiffy in a glistening, sexually charged Bret Easton Ellis type way –- think Glamorama without the explosives planted under kneecaps –- almost as if someone along the lines of a Corpgent wouldn’t mind being seen with my lips on a date filled (or not) with sexual tension, almost as if my lips might lie stretched out in the First Class compartment of a very long transcontinental business flight next to him, maybe even the Concorde, ready to make and lose millions. I felt that if my lips could look that glistening for more than 10 minutes, people might mistake them for Star Jones’ lips, except that Star would have needed a wand thirty times as big as this miniature one. What I really wanted to do was take my glistening lips to pose on the Great Wall of China, except then I would have to hide them behind one of those SARS masks. And while they might not smudge or smear underneath the sanitized white poly/cotton, neither would they reflect the light of hundreds of Chinese lanterns or the hopes and dreams of billions of peasants inserting grommets into Nike sneakers.
If you consumed nothing but beverages, this gloss might stay on for a few hours. But after a half hour or so, it feels not so much greasy or Vaseliney as sticky, as if you’ve been sucking on something sugary. (I usually am, but that’s beside the point.) And half an hour after that, your lips begin to feel gritty. I’m used to this, living in Chicago, where street grit (probably including but not limited to dirt, sand, broken glass, disintegrated bus transfers, and the dessicated fecal matter of pigeons, rodents and the homeless) rises up in giant maelstroms and adheres to every pore on your face, but particularly your lip gloss. But this kind of gritty was worse because it was a dry, greasy gritty. I imagine industrial engine lubricants would feel this way, if you mixed them with sand and spread them on your lips. Was Revlon bought by ExxonMobil or something? Have they streamlined manufacturing by refining crude oil and lip gloss in the same vats?
Have I mentioned how passionate I am about the law? Fortunately for most of you, the only laws you need to know to wear this lipstick are the laws of cosmetology. Do not, under any circumstances, consume food in conjunction with this product. The big specks that coagulate on your lips are difficult to remove without some serious solvent like nail polish remover, paint thinner, or turpentine. Do wear this lipcolor with a sassy matching scarf tied insouciantly around your neck. Do not leave this lipstick on your boss’s collar, especially if he is married to an angry Filipino woman. Do pull your hair back into a sassy ponytail and head for the roller rink !
If you only need to look fabulous for four minutes following the application of your lipstick, this is the product for you.
Ingredients:
Polybutene mineral oil, silica silylate polyethylene terephthalate, sodium saccharin propylparaben, polymethyl methacrylate, mica, titanium dioxide, bismuth oxychloride, castor oil, glyceryl triacetyl ricinoleate, talc, beeswax, isopropyl palmitate, Seabiscuit, ozokerite, waltercronkite, hydrogenated lanolin, isopropyl myristate, squalane, ephedra, carnauba wax, candelilla wax, earwax, car wax, silica polyethylene terephthalate, propylparaben, aluminum powder, dehydrated puppies, root of hemlock digg’d i’ the dark, liver of blaspheming Jew, gall of goat and slips of yew sliver’d in the moon’s eclipse, nose of Turk and Tartar’s lips, finger of birth-strangled babe, ditch-deliver’d by a drab.
What rich old fart’s overextravagant lifestyle will I be subsidizing if I buy this product?
Ron Perelman’s. Now married to squinty-eyed thespian Ellen Barkin, the bald billionaire (America’s richest man in 1989) and Revlon Chairman went through a very long and costly divorce from third wife Patricia Duff, a very attractive socialite and Clinton campaign fundraiser. Perelman’s first two wives were ugly. Just kidding! A prenuptial agreement with Duff stated that the couple’s young daughter Caleigh would get $12,000 a month in child support should they divorce; Duff instead demanded $100,000. Perelman argued in court that when Caleigh (age 4 at the time) spent time with him, she ate about “$3 a day” in food. He also accused Duff of sacrilege for allowing Caleigh to hunt for Easter eggs during Passover. Now, Caleigh is probably 8, 9, 10, or 14, which means that her dietary needs have lessened to $1 a day.
Anyway, enough about others. Back to me. My lips have a flight to catch! Have I mentioned that I am a quadroon?
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
Lobstergirl
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Member: Distressa Bologna-Cohen
Location: The Northern District of Illinois
Reviews written: 102
Trusted by: 262 members
About Me:
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas.
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