Blecch!!! When Bean Counters Count Coffee... Beans
Written: Jan 28 '08 (Updated Dec 10 '08)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: A caffeine source, no doubt cheap for buyer.
Cons: Disgusting; tastes like potting soil... I would imagine.
The Bottom Line: On behalf of employees everywhere, bosses PLEASE don't buy this stuff! To restaurant managers who serve it, I hope your food is amazing.
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| customeright's Full Review: Royal Cup #595 Filter Pack (1.5 Oz) 42 Ct |
The Road to You-Know-Where Is Paved with Royal Cup Coffee
Coffee is one of the few 'perks' many employers like to provide. Of course it's not purely benevolence. I remember reading a study somewhere that seemed to prove workplace efficiency rises when coffee flows freely. I don't doubt that one bit. As an avid coffee drinker and huge fan of the stuff, I know there's a stark difference in my performance (and attitude) before and after my morning cup. And either my bosses realized that too, or they just read the productivity study, because at my office free coffee is one of the few on-site benefits we actually get. But then again, with the coffee they give us, Royal Cup 1.5 oz Filter Packs, the term 'benefit' might be just be a pretentious new term for 'get back to work!'
The True Price of 'Free'
Unfortunately coffee is just a transport medium for the real magic worker-maker: caffeine. In fact, the taste of coffee is probably irrelevant. People know that. Bosses know that. And surely the accounting department knows it (note: a department which contains accountants). And in my workplace, when they (accountants) heard that the decision had been made to buy coffee (from coffee beans) to give to employees for free, that's when they surely jumped at their chance to live up to their reputations! So, you have the accounting of coffee beans by accountants in...accounting! I don't have to tell you what happened I'm sure! But quality did not win out. (No offense to my friends who are accountants, but here's a real definition of accountants from Merriam Webster: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/beancounter)
So at my work site with over 1000 people; people who are mostly computer engineers and where the amount of code produced is directly proportional to the 'BCL' (Blood-Caffeine-Level), there is much demand, and economies of scale surely comes into play. No doubt our accountants and procurement people worked long, hard hours, to find a vendor that could negotiate quantity of caffeine... err... 'coffee' at a bargain basement price.
While all of this is pure speculation on my part, I hope they got what they were looking for in price. And I guess they got it in service too (I've seen the large Royal Cup truck drive in on occasion). But no matter what business deal was made, one thing is for certain: quality was not on the negotiating table.
The Coffee
Now really, isn't the coffee what this review should be about? (Trust me, if this was good coffee, I would have extolled the virtues of this stuff first and foremost. Instead I was worried about not being able to come up with enough ways to describe 'bad' and 'terrible', and still find another 198 words for the review!)
What Do You Get?
With the large bulk pack, you get individually wrapped Royal Cup packages of 1.5 Oz pre-ground coffee. The grind is about a medium coarseness, which is typically what you want for drip coffee makers.
What's it Look Like?
The coffee grinds at a glance appear normal, and seem to behave mostly like your typical coffee grounds; obeying standard laws of physics and all that. And when you brew it, it also appears normal as you will observe dark water that's tough to see through, and that almost looks appealing (when it's early in the morning and you're desperate... or it's your first day and you're incredibly naive).
What's it Smell Like?
Who doesn't love the smell of coffee? Surprisingly me, in the office. When it's Royal Cup brewing, the workplace smells like, well, work. Not like Starbucks. While there is the subtle fragrance of coffee-like aroma that emanates from the break room, that's about as close to coffee as it gets.
What's it Taste Like?
Simply put: it's awful (hey, another word for bad!). The coffee is bitter, burnt, and tastes anything but fresh, even when just made. There is a distinctly sour aftertaste that seems to linger forever. In fact, the only way the coffee is palatable is with heavy amounts of cream and sugar.
It Can't be That Bad, Can It?
Not that I set out to research this stuff initially, but it so happened that since I decided to write this review, I noticed that they served the exact same stuff at one of our favorite deli's. Low and behold, it tasted exactly the same! Old, stale, bad. Well, their consistency is amazing. What's crazier, is people in the restaurant were drinking it, and paying for it!
Why Ma, Why??
How can coffee be this bad and still be purchased, used, and consumed by so many people? Honestly, I can't explain why people willfully drink the stuff. It's hard enough to understand why people drink it when you're captive at work and it's free. It's even harder to understand why they pay for it at a restaurant! (Yeah yeah, I know I did at the deli...it was 'research'!)
Now why is it so bad? I do have my theories. For one, the bags are not vacuum-packed, they are are sealed metallic foil bags. However, that may actually be a good thing if the gas in the bags is not oxygen, but instead an inert gas that repels oxygen. Anyone want to take that bet that it's a special non-oxygen gas that preserves bean quality? I didn't think so!
But even pure air in the bags surely couldn't make the taste so terrible. Another theory of mine is that the beans are just overly roasted and burned, a common method used by roasters to extend shelf life. Although, sometimes even burned coffee can be OK. Take Starbucks, known for practically burnt coffee. But that's pretty good stuff, depending on your taste.
My final theory is probably the simplest and most logical: Robusto beans. While I can't prove it, robusto coffee beans are the coffee-world equivalent d-list actors. They kind of look the part, but they work cheap. These beans typically taste more bitter and sour, and they have a been a staple of freeze-dried and instant coffee for years (before people began to develop a better taste for the brew recently).
Conclusion: Rating Scale
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who is personally and emotionally offended by this coffee crud? I don't know. What I do know is if you take a stroll through the cubicle farm that is our daily lives, out of maybe 100 'cubes', you will find at least 10 home coffee makers on people's desks. 10% out of maybe 50% that drink it on my floor. That's a pretty big ratio.
The Scale
If you refer back to my Starbucks Doubleshot review, I discussed the idea of a coffee preference rating scale:
"I boil my tastes down to 3 categories: 1) Pure enjoyment coffee, 2) a caffeine source, and 3) sweet-tooth coffee."
Royal Cup, by anyone's standards should fall into #2: caffeine source. That's all it is good for.
Conclusion: Royal Cr*p
Royal Cup Filter packs at work should only be used for one thing: cheap caffeine source. And to that end, I guess it works. In fact, it probably works better for that than most (good) coffees, because if they are using 'filler' beans, robusta is known to have up to three times the amount of caffeine as arabica beans (good). So while our corporate bean count...err... accountants did their job, in the end, taste, and morale (mine) suffers. If you can't choke down the cup, what's it matter how cheap it was and how much caffeine is in it? You might as well just buy everyone caffeine pills, and save on the machine.
****
My Other Coffee Related Reviews:
Starbucks Coffee Doubleshot Espresso
Bodum Chambord 1928 8-Cup Coffee Maker
DeLonghi EC140 Espresso Machine
Cuisinart DGB-500 12-Cup Coffee Maker
Cuisinart Supreme Grind DBM-8 Electric Burr Grinder
Black n Decker HCC100 Home Cafe Single Serve Coffee
Copyright (C) 2008, Customeright
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customeright
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Member: Alan
Location: Orlando, FL, USA
Reviews written: 71
Trusted by: 16 members
About Me:
Consultant by day, reviewer by night, but one thing I know: the customer's right!
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