CONSUMER SCADVEAT: (IMPORTANT MESSAGE)

CONSUMERS, PRODUCT INFORMATION-SEEKERS or POTENTIAL BUYERS of the SERTA PERFECT NIGHT MATTRESS... lend me your eyes, (please.) The review you are about to read is part of a community-affirming, group-writing event we epinionated-folk call a "write-off." I've entitled my sponsoriffic spin on that specific theme: "the 29th_Candidate's 1st Annual SCADS-Providers Tribute To Consumerly-Helpfulness W-O." I welcome you to join our lighthearted, W-O based frivolity. If you lack the time or have the good sense to avoid sullying your eyes with my incurable irreverence set to words, than please continue directly ahead until you reach the Subsection entitled: "THE NO-FRILLS, JUST SCADS, CONSUMER INFO SECTION."

I. INTRODUCTORY LIMERICK, PRE-INTRO-FOREWORD, NONTRODUCTION PREQUEL & ALL-AROUND PEP TALK

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INTRODUCTORY LIMERICK:

My review's snooze-infused mattress views,
Don't excuse my bemused use of ewes--
Though my sheep can't outleap,
Serta's deep mattress sleep,
Here, it's NON-snoozer users that lose.

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In light of the opprobrium noised concerning this "SCADS-OFF," I was forced to expose my cover as epinions' Uber-Undercover Cop for all purposes. I was 5-0, and have been since I came to the site 2 years ago. During the site transition that occurred during the first week of June 2000, there was a corporate authority shift that placed Nirav as the CEO of Epins' day-to-day operations. Nirav was unaware of the secret directive implemented by the epinions CEO who authorized my "deep cover" position, and I was sworn to secrecy regarding my revelation of any details pertaining thereto. Shortly after the LEXI W-O, unbeknownst to me, my "5-0" status was compromised, and the individuals involved in the SCADS-OFF forced me, at gunpoint to go along with their diabolical SCAD-ministrations.

Having thus said, I fully disassociate myself from the filthy heathens that put me up to initiating and sponsoring this evil SCADS-OFF! I swear under penalty of SCADjury, I fought this horrifying affront to the epihonor of my mutha-site, EVERY step of the way, but me treacherous droogies threatened to engage in acts so disgustingly consumerly NON-helpful; so frighteningly consumerly-wasteful, it made me cry to think about it! Many a sad night these past weeks, I cried myself to sleep-- There was nothing I could do; I'm INNOCENT! I couldn't get close enough to my computer to email "Epinions Costumer Support," maybe order a "product-info poser" disguise so I could blend in with those bloody troublemakers and n'er-do-SCADS, and thereby make good my escape. They threatened me four cats! They uttered vile and shocking recriminations about my consumer-in-chief; Nirav, real horrorshow... and that's not ALL! They threatened to tell my children I was a... a... a... pr-product-info poser; that this whole rebellious idea was a rabble-rousing ploy that *I* INITIATED! When I sneered at them and told them I didn't have any kids, the female members of this abusive riff-raff smirked and leered; said: "Oh yeah? We may just have to see about that... Nice 'SERTA PERFECT NIGHT MATTRESS' yuh got there, sailor..." The rest is too shocking; too lewd and embarrassing to rehearse here...

WHERE WERE THE SCADVISORS?!

WHERE WERE THE BLUE-BUTTONS?! Not a single EDITOR or TOP-REVIEWER came to my aid! I'd call out to them through the bars of my cell as they'd walk by: "SC-A-A-ADS! BRUTHUHZ, SC-A-A-ADS! ...I've been taken hostage by mutineering SCADS-skateers!" I'm a consumerly-helpful-- I swear-r-r-i-i-t!!" They'd turn and grin at me with leers so sadistic and malevolent, it made me skin crawl like slow, malenky lizards and the hair on me plot stand endwise! Then, they'd voicelessly use their lips, to form the words: "SCADS-OFF posting date," draw their stampers and hold them up in the air, dangling them over their heads menacingly while simultaneously drawing their index fingers in a horizontal line across their necks, like a guillotine, leer for a few more seconds, then turn and walk off laughing... It was 'orr-ee-ble!

Aa-ight... Even if you don't believe that, to show the penitence I would have, had I allowed myself to be lead on by the treachery of these hooligans and hoodlums, who seem to want ONLY to cause harm and bad feelings... ("Humor?" Yeah, sure... Anything you say... Damn SCADSskateers...) I have drafted and published (below) my "SCADS-OFF Mea Culpa." Additionally, I'm blowing the whistle on the whole bloody lot of them; the whole "SCADSskateer Show™" (see names below.) By my doing this, I will PROVE to people I'm a Loyalist. Yep! All of my humor; every last SCAD of it, has been fake humor, a highly experimental humor-simulation I used only as a prop to infiltrate this destructively humor-wielding group.

Don't try to talk me out of it, I sent epinions a page from one of your diaries (which names the *REAL* SCADSskateer ringleader; the one who set my name to that foul, inflammatory private-email proposal, and it ain't Jiminy Cricket, Bicky-Mouse or FraggleDuck! Why, the mere presence of SCADnette, Kenny, Bretty, Bicky, Marty, Marky, Petty, Jonathany, Helen de Felon-y, Damey, Cubby, Britney, Shizney, Stinky, Ratty, Bratty, Scaddy and the other SCADSskateers (say: "SKADZ ska TEE urs" --Why? "Because we SCADS you!") who trothed their dark allegiance to this PRO-Epinions SCADS-OFF, I'd like to... "HEY! --29th! Wait-a-second, you SCADS-Slingin' Sonuva... --Did you just say: PRO-Epinions SCADS-OFF?! Whhhyyyy, I oughtta..."

Save it chump! The REAL playas* and biznagas* (*relax-- all sophomoric terminology, at least that marked with an asterisk "*," is explained below in the "SCADZAT VOCABULARY GUIDE" section, but you're NOT allowed to read it until AFTER I've consumerly-buried* you in veritable festoons* of the ol' consumerly-h. --Word!)

You and I have a date in the parking lot, AFTER biznazisnotch (bi'ness) is taken care of... .

29TH's MEA CULPA

[ No offense intended, but if you're tone-deaf, or can't hold a tune, then please--don't sing along and ruin it for those of us who sing like Carusoe.... Thank you.]

"Mea Culpa, you're a Culpa, they're a Culpa, she's a Culpa, wouldn't you like to be a Culpa, too. Mea Culpa, you're a Culpa, they're a Culpa, she's a Culpa, wouldn't you like to be a Culpa, too. Bea Culpa, drink mea Culpa... Bea Culpa, drink mea Culpa... Bea Culpa, drink mea Culpa...

"THE NO-FRILLS, JUST SCADS, CONSUMER INFO SECTION"

Think I can't write a lot about a mattress? You don't know me well. I've met my favorite girls on mattresses. My mother always told me to "look out for the ones who are a 'beaut' on the BeautyRest™,'" so I did. Now, it's the ONLY place I look for future child-bearers. Mom, if you're reading: SCADS of Luv to ya mutha; that was great advice!

YOU CAN'T WRITE A MATTRESS REVIEW WITHOUT A PADDING-FILLED REVIEW DISCUSSION

You see, that's the beauty of doing a "mattress review;" your entire review discussion is composed of "fluff," "filler" & "padding," or else you NECESSARILY go off-topic! Now that is ma-a-ah kahnda product-review! Yeeeee-Haaa!

COUNT ON THIS: THE MORE EWES-FULL; THE LESS USEFUL...

Contrary to what you might think about a mattress so comfortable, it renders you comatose within seconds of your lying down on it, the exquisite relaxation-inducement of this lyin' sack o' softness, forced my "sheep-counting quota" UPWARD; NOT DOWNWARD-- How could that be? Well, I was so relaxed sinking into that fluffy, Cumulus cloud pillow-top, I slept right through my "wake-up" alarm; twice! Yikes!

SERTA! --I'M COUNTING ON NOT COUNTING ON EWES...

This made me very nervous; edgy even. I began fearing the comfort of this mattress monster that swallowed me in its gaping, soundless maw every night. Though falling asleep without having to count sheep had always been a dream I wanted to have, I could never do it or dream it, because I never had a comfy mattress that enabled me to fall asleep at the shake of a sheep's tale. My Serta™ Pillow-Top put my "counting-sheep" to pasture. I began to miss being able to count on their nightly appearances. Sure they'd ba-a-a-ah; what sheep don't? ...Besides, it was a pleasant "ba-a-ah;" the kind of "ba-a-ah" that reminded me I'd eventually hear my alarm clock, in the morning; not a team of paramedics instituting CPR, trying to break my flat-line, ... I'm holding out hope for a compromise position between the two extremes.

Maybe I should be happy about this: --If I haven't seen the leap of my sheep, it must mean my sleep is deep, and I've had no cause to weep, right? I may even be asleep right now; just not realize it. "History is a nightmare from which I'm still trying to awaken." Maybe this is a nightmare I'm having from sleeping too much, which means the mattress IS actually doing its job. Isn't that why I bought it? To do its job? Should I lug it back to "Mattress City" because "it's doing its job?" What do I say to the salesgirl? "Well, no ma'am, it's just not keeping me awake enough?" I don't think so!

THERE'S JUST NO EWES IN DREAMING ANY MORE

Of course it's quite possible I might have dreamt that whole experience. It could even be a real WHOPPER of a dream; one in which I'm dreaming I'm asleep, dreaming that I'm awake, wishing I was asleep, dreaming that this is a nightmare from which I'm still trying to awaken. I'm beginning to think I may have just dreamed that I ever "counted sheep" to get to sleep at all! Still, assuming that's the case, it could only have occurred if my Serta™ was doing its job. Then again, my somnambulism might just result from my reading my own reviews, like this one... Damn! This is going to keep me awake pondering...

I mean, what if I'm currently dreaming that I'm awake, yet I really SHOULD be awake, but because the dream is SO real, because the sleep is SO good, because the mattress is SO effective, I sleep through my alarm again?! What a nightmare! If during this nightmare, I return my Serta™ mattress because it's TOO effective, but then I subsequently wake up to discover that I had only been DREAMING it was too effective, yet in fact, it had been providing me with "just the right amount" of sleep? I'm going to be really upset. What if I just DREAMED I bought this Serta™ mattress? Assuming this dream was VERY real; SO real, that all my review's info was accurate, would my dream-based review result in a breach of my Ciao user agreement, upon my awakening?

Perhaps if I keep my Serta™ mattress, my sleep will remain sheepless, so I can achieve my dreams of having sheepless sleep, which I couldn't have unless I had the mattress of my dreams, which I couldn't dream about until I had it, yet which I'd need to have in order to sleep, to dream those dreams of sheepless sleep, enabled by my sleep remaining sheepless, due to my having bought it. This situation is a nightmare, which a bad mattress experience like the one I've just described, not only IS, but CAUSES-- assuming it even lets me get past the sheep and allows the sleep required to have it, which I won't know I'm getting until I either wake up from this nightmare, or fall asleep into my next dream!

Though I've been told the "helpful" product review is one that "provides scads of useful product info calculated to help the consumer make better buying decisions," I hope my Serta™ Mattress review helps to provide you with scads of review padding, product fluff and yawn-inducing filler, so as to lull you into a "bedder frame" of mind for achieving EVEN BETTER sleeping decisions; the kind calculated to help the snoozer not care a whit about SCADS of the ol' consumerly-helpful! --Heck, I feel my lids drooping just to type it... z..z...z...z...z..z.zzzzzZZZZZZZZ

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--The following, are the "yawn-inducing"*** Highlighted Features of the SERTA™ pillow-top:

(***"Yawn-inducing" is the absolute HIGHEST compliment I can award a worthy mattress. If I thought a mattress was not fulfilling its proper functions, I would describe it as "exciting." If it was REALLY a bed of spikes, I would describe the mattress as making me feel "down-right at the edge of my seat!" [spiked-bed?])

HIGHLIGHTED FEATURES:

P.T. Barnum claimed "there's a sucker born every minute." No need to raise your hand if you're one of those poor, gimcrackery-hypnotized, gullible goons to whom ol' P.T. had been referring (let's face it, we all take our turn... .) To minimize the possibility of your getting flim-flammed by the gimmicky, provocatively high-tech names concocted by Serta™'s crack team of snake-oil salesmen/promoters; those artists costumed in scientists' lab coats, who lie awake at night, devising new ways of separating you from your capital, and who, here, have worked their deceptive black magic on this mattress's "Highlighted Features," I've taken the liberty of debunking and translating the impressive-sounding names into more accurate representations of the respective highlights. (Serta™ has supplied some REAL lollapaloozas, with which to entertain us here... SHEEEE-WOOOOOOH!)

PLUSH COVER

--Admittedly, the mattress provides a fine Plush cover, but the best cover of "Plush" I've experienced, was performed by Stone Temple Pilots on their award-winning metal debut album of 1992; "CORE."

PATENTED COMFORT LAYERS

--Newsflash: As much as Serta™ would love for you to believe they've been awarded the exclusive patent for that much-desired sensation, "comfort," my research confirms that "comfort" may actually have been invented in the early 1970's by the Kimbies Disposable Diaper Company.

As far as the "comfort layers" go, I can only speak with any real authority, on the very top-most comfort layer, as I don't generally twist about in my sleep, like some somnambulant Tasmanian Devil. Consequently, I have yet to "friction-burn" my way through the underlying *KAFF-KAFF* Comfort Layers. Based on my current average yearly mean MWTL*, (i.e., *Mattress Wear & Tear Level) as indicated by my current NWSIF* (i.e, *Nocturnal Wriggling & Squirming Intensity Factor,) I should be able to update you on the immediately underlying Comfort Layer (i.e., "Comfort Layer #2") in another 3 to 5 years. I guess "Comfort Layers" sounds better than "padding, stuffing, and filler." Assuming, though unlikely here, that I'm wrong, I have a very hard time imagining anybody, but the most obese people, (500-600 lbs. +) and ONLY the ones whose skin has mutated into a variety with an abrasiveness exceeding that of fully-matured Tiger Sharks, would ever be able to wear through to even Comfort Layer #4 during THIS lifetime.

HIGH-TECH CONFORMING FOAM

--Serta's top secret high-tech labs have discovered a revolutionary new process for taking ordinary, industrial grade foam and systematically altering its physical properties at a sub-atomic level, so that, at the onset of external pressure, it ACTUALLY conforms to the shape of the objects administering the pressure! "But 29th! Isn't that what foam ALWAYS did?!" ...Ahhhhhhhhh, NEXT item!

POSTURE SPIRALS ALONG EDGE OF INNERSPRING

--To Hell with the "posture spirals;" ...How many mattresses have you encountered that come equipt with INNERSPRINGS? --Take a vacation without ever leaving your bed!

•*•*• The Double and Full-sized models can be ordered with your choice of either a "Foothills," "Dunes" or "Moors" InnerSpring Package.

•*•*• The Queen-sized and King-sized models come standard with your choice of either the:

A) "Desert Hot Springs" InnerSpring-Ensemble, which comes with a built-in InnerSpring heating coil and simulated sand, or,

B) The Deluxe "Xanadu" InnerSpring-Ensemble, which comes complete with "caverns measureless to man," ("sunless sea," optional) "twice five miles of fertile ground, with walls and bridges (i.e., girdled round") and "gardens, bright with sinuous rills." Incense-Bearing trees and other pastoral add-ons and psychedelic garden accessories are extra.

MODUCOIL FOUNDATION

--The Serta™ Pillow-Top cuts no corners and spares NO expenses. Rather than use the frumpy, provincial "U-COILS" one expects to find in the generic, no-name and economy mattresses, the Serta™ Pillow-Top uses ONLY the highly-desirable, very exclusive "Mod" U-Coils, (the variety one only encounters in the most discerning and exclusive social U-Coil circles,) to line its metallic guts and augment its springy foundation. Though you don't ever actually see the "Mod" U-Coils at anytime during the tenure of your mattress ownership, Serta guarantees in writing that if you decided to rip open the mattress, you would see them in there, assuming you knew what to look for (because the "Mod" U-Coils are visibly indistinguishable from "Econo" U-Coils. No, it's safe to say, you will never hear your mattress's springs squeak anything banal or mundane...

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SUMMARY

All in all, the Serta™ Perfect Night mattress, is a well constructed, aesthetically-pleasing and durable mattress. I've slept on none better. I've never had back problems, but I would venture that its springy feel and 108 spring coils, would be more than enough to compensate for the incredible softness of the mattress' padding. I would recommend it to anybody.

GRADE: 97/100

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INGREDIENTS LIST

After I got home from the police station, I went to my bedroom and... --Excuse me? You want to know about "the police station?" Fine! ...but you'd better stay tight-lipped about this! Aaa-ight? ...While the cats and I were turning my mattress and box spring over, looking for the mattress "INGREDIENTS LIST," I noticed "Bangy" (that's "Bengal;" --a fine specimen of tabby-hood") swapping at something on the end of the mattress he was holding. I thought: "Hmmmmm... Now what on Earth could THAT be?" As it suddenly dawned on me what it was, I cried out: "BANGY, NO! WAIT! --DON'T SWAP AT THAT LAB... ...el," but he HAD swapped one swap too many, and the label was yanked off the mattress. As the four cats and I just stood in the middle of the room, staring glumly, meow-lessly at the label, I realized regretfully, I never taught the cats to read. Had I thought to do so, Bengal would have noted the label said: "It is against the law to remove this label." So-- What else could I do? Eventually, just *BECAUSE* the label was torn off, I'd end up meeting some pretty female cop; "a beaut on the Beautyrest," and I am NOT into "handcuffs." I had to turn myself in. I still got the mattresses ingredients:

"THE PILLOW TOP:"
--99 & 44/100% Cumulo-Nimbus Atmospheric "Storm" cloud
--56/100% Fertilizer

"THE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING:"
--30% Catnip
--40% Dacron/Rayon
--29% Play-on... play-on... play-on...
--1% A Pea

A FEW CLERICAL SCADDERS THAT NEED AIRING...

I'd like to end by SCADdressing a few clerical SCADders which, SCADmittedly, SCAD me wondering about the SCADvisability of SCADvancing this consumerly-benevolent SCADS-OFF. Really. I did consider it. "Honest-epin-jun," cross mah heart and hope to lie... I mean DIE! (Heh-- Fraudian slip, I guess... ...I mean FREUDIAN Slip!

FILE THIS UNDER "N"

Now, now, y'allz-- Notwithstanding my nurturingly nuzzly, nice-words, know yee this: negativity's never necessary... You nail-nibblin', non-posting, non-plussed SCADS-off readers, need not knee-knock yer nads, [i.e, the non-females, natch,] nor nitpick yer nether-nests, [i.e., the nadslessly ovary-concerned non-males,] no need to nirry your nirvous-nelly noggins over non-occurrences, not-yet events, nor never-will-happens; [a non-lesson, not-lost on your n'er-do-well, nonconformist narrator...]

FILE THIS UNDER "H"

Unfortunately for me, but fortunately (?) for the "SCADvocates;" those hearty hordes of hatless hellions and haughty heathens hungry for habit-forming, whole-grain, heaping helpings of harvest-fresh, harmlessly-humorlicious helpfulness, would not be held hostage by the hostile hat-knocking and haplessly hypothesis-based, head-hunting hype.

In defense of the harried and housekeeping-minded homesite's all-too-human higher-ups, the hotbed of hostility heated by the "hurl" churned up from hangovers left by happened-already W-Os, left hard feelings and holier-than-thous of all epinions subgroups huffing & puffing, though one would have been hard-pressed to home in on ANY halo-hatted, harp-holding heaven-dwellers in the epinions hemisphere. A cold war was looking for a trigger to turn it into a hot one. It would find that trigger in the form of a stolen letter. Having had to hobble through the humbling LEXI hurricane, the heavy hand of humorly-hostile hegemony would, by haplessly hitching its harness to a hacked and "helpfully" hand-crafted hypothesis, handed it by some helpfulness-handicapped, hostility-hugging hell-bound hellhound; it set itself up as the hunchback, handling matters with the habitual, hellbent, hauteur-induced hebetude and the heedlessly headstrong haste that, heretofore, have become the "hamartial" hallmarks of its haphazard handling. It hacked off its own head by hamstringing harmony with hubris. How? --By hanging its helpful-history-having, harmless-intending (admittedly hell-raising) host without a hearing or a habeas corpus or hesitating to use their heads before hurling honor-smearing head-hunting, and hazing the harried host with reality-challenged, honesty-is-not-a-factor, hemisphere-wide handouts. Rather than halt the W-O, these handouts handcuffed the hitherto hesitant and half-hearted host, me, into hastening the W-O; making it a "have-to," in order to demonstrate the ACTUAL truth, thereby removing the smear.

WELCOME TO THE "NEW" EPINIONS

Though what I'm about to say to you may seem as though I'm embellishing, or otherwise, like I'm being a little... "Hah djoou sehhhhh, ...'par-a-noy,'" (apologies to Al Pacino and the three dozen or so other a-sordid people I've been aggrabretting with my obnoxiously re-petra-tive "Scarface" imitations lately) I nonetheless, still maintain there seemed to have been an instant or two where some harsh, somewhat acrimonious and misleading recriminations were voiced against your kindly-disposed and love-spreading narrator. Unbeknownst to many, the now-infamous "scarlet email;" notorious almost as much for its (arguably) scandalous, if private, proposal, as it is for its misappropriation, has caused a few minor changes. As a consequence of this most unfortunate and unexpected circumstance, I regret to inform you that I have been forced, pursuant to the relevant terms set forth in the Epinions TOS, to cancel Epinions' Epinions account for egregious "plagiarism" violations, for which I was unable to find a legal loophole. In an agreement arrived at between Nirav, myself and various other interested parties, epinions and I have amicably arrived at an out of court settlement and agreement, the various terms of which have made me the new majority-owner and CEO of epinions, Inc. In consideration of same, I have included a sample of the vocabulary; the 29pinions' "Aramaic" for wording your Dead Sea product-review Scrolls of the future, which I'm confident will help you to craft even BETTER consumer-assisting reviews for 29pinions.

QUESTION: Why the SCADS Jim? Why must you insist on getting on people's niravs with your SCAD-addled, "consumerly-helpful" tomfoolery?

ANSWER: Because my friend, the product review site formerly known as epinions, (i.e., "29pinions,") has ALWAYS been about bringing the consumer ONE'S OWN OPINION; a very personal, individual and unique thing, of the products one undertakes to review. SCADSAT is merely my personal way of verbalizing and celebrating the unique aspect of that opinion. We destroyed the Panhellenic gods; the symbolic deities that walked the Earth side by side with mankind, a couple of millenia ago. By our doing so, we didn't leave the space open for corporate CEOs, politicians, movie stars or millionaires to replace those "scientific phenomena-place holding" immortals; science and our ability to think in an empirical, analytical and rational manner have seen to that. We opened up the space they left open, to fill by ourselves, by taking responsibility for our own lives and destinies. This makes every person the god of that SUBJECTIVE universe he alone perceives and occupies; one which we represent with the word "opinion." For those, who like me, also believe in a god of the OBJECTIVE universe; one who embodies and symbolizes the idea that principles and laws are the same for everyone at all times, in any part of the universe, God is "the ultimate artist," and we, the SCADS of universal product information he expresses.

THE "SCADSNAT" VOCABULARY

How does one go about describing a phenomena-in-the-making? The "consumer-pidgin" of the new millennium? To know this, is to understand the SCADS experience.

On April 20, 1956, New York Times columnist, Brooks Atkinson, attempting to convey the feelings of bemused, appreciative awe he experienced watching a performance of Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot," at the John Golden Theater, unwittingly blessed the media with what would soon become its favorite, overused, hackneyed-beyond-cliche expression of the latter-half of the 20th century... Ladies and gentleman, fresh from its very first millennial reinvigoration and now ripe for overuse in the 21st Century, I, and the dedicated people here at SCADS-PROVIDERS INTERPLANETARY CONSUMERLY HELPFULNESS, AMALGAMATED, INC., the corporation that subsumed SORDCO INTERNATIONAL, INC., give you: "It is a mystery wrapped in an enigma." This phrase so beautifully captures the essence of the SCADSNAT mystique. The following are a sample of some SCADSNAT™ terms that convey what we believe is the "SCADS experience;" that consumerly-helpful, "good-to-be-alive," euphoria feeling that Cheerios™ with entirely too much sugar once enabled us to experience as children: (Any additional reader term suggestions/questions or discussion concerning SCADSNAT™ should be submitted to the COMMENTS SECTION, preferably, USING those terms.)

"SCADS" [skadz] --Noun 1. Dollops; large, gloppy chunks, 2. Moist nuggets; creamy, vitamin-rich, consumerlicious lumps of buyeriffic goodness. 3. A unit of value used to measure a product review or reviewer's Consumerly-Helpfulness Quotient, which roughly equates to the sum total of consumerly-helpfulness in Ken Sordid-1's review archive squared. 4. A unit of volume or size equivalent to an ell broad by a cubit long. [It is considered proper to add prefixes and suffixes to the "SCADS" root, for purposes of generating a variety of descriptive, consumerly-helpful and highly complimentary SCADjective & SCADverbial variations. EXAMPLES: SCADSnifferous, SCADSnificent, SCADSlicious, SCADSniverous, veriSCADSlicitudinal. ANTONYMS: imoklielesque; aggiebrettonian.

"KING OF SCADS/SCADS-GURU/MASTER-SCADSMAN/SCADS-OVERLORD/ETC." --I respectfully refer you to my archive of Consumerly-Helpful product reviews for a fuller understanding of why Ken (the Sordid-1) would want to award me these nicknames... I would say: "Can you blame him?" --But that would be immodest. Do you think that would be immodest? Me neither; okay, you talked me into it, --the sentence stays. One can readily see by my meteoric rise to guru-ship, that my zeal and total dedication to the clue-seeking consumer in search of "producto info supremo" and the upliftment providing it to them brings me. This SCADS W-O is just another one of the various and sundry ways your crown-carryin', in-the-3rd-person-speakin', King-O'-SCADS 29th manifests his shopper-savvy, buyer-desired, consumerlicious, oh so nutritious, whole grain scads of vitamin-filled, buyeriffic golden-goodness to the info-seeking consumerly-public minions he so lives to shopper service at epinions; with epinions.

PLAYA [PLAY uh] Noun 1. A rap term for a person with power and influence 2 Someone with a hypnotic influence on members of the opposite sex. Distinguish from "player," which refers to a computer geek whose into role-playing games.

BIZNAGA [biz NAH gah] Noun --1. A variety of cactus native to the south-western region of the United States; primarily Arizona and New Mexico 2. A Rap term for a "playa" who is way hooked up in bi'ness or powerful circles.


MY ESTEEMED ART-NERS IN CRIME [Read'em or weep...]

aggiebrett | annexation | badkittym | bijou | chrisbickel | dgturtle2 | fragglemom | ginzo | horswispr | imokliel | james23 | jankp | jkkelley | lambolucifer | lattechick | macresarf1 | natch | petra | phixed | pogomom | LadyCynic| repulsemonkey | seraphofhades | sordid-1 | young1028 29th_candidate | brendametcalf | brothermansoul | farfetched | fez_monkey | galileo365 | jsallen | nealgoodall | officer | prfstars | ptiemann | shadow_Dream snakeayez | xiphoid |

Recommended: Yes

Mattress Size: Full/Double
Mattress Firmness: Somewhat soft
Amount Paid (US$): 1600

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