*~* SPOILERS!  Major details in this review!

If you don't want to know what happens, please don't read further. *~*







Okay, so here's what happens.

Big and Carrie decide to marry. But he leaves her at the altar. The girls go to Mexico. Big and Carrie finally marry.


Big and Carrie Decide to Marry.

Okay, so far, I'm fine with it. I was somewhat ambivalent that the show ended this way, considering all the ways Big was awful to Carrie during the six years of the show. But who doesn't love a fairy tale ending, right? So I was willing to go along with the illusion that things would end well. That these characters have learned and grown, and have found their way to each other at last. Blah blah ... warm and fuzzy.

The movie only shows that they haven't grown at all, but have in fact, regressed.

He Leaves Her at the Altar.

So Carrie ends up planning a big wedding that ends up all over Vogue and Page Six. Big isn't crazy about this, especially since it's his third marriage. But after 10 years of dating her, he should know Carrie by now, and he should know that she is in fact, a big poufy wedding kind of girl.

Anyway, the wedding gets ever bigger and poufier, and Big becomes more and more anxious ... and when Big tells Carrie by phone that "[he] can't do this," she shrieks, "I knew you would do this to me!"

She knew?  Why are they getting married when their relationship is so flimsy?  She obviously suspects that he's not totally committed. As any adult should know by now, it's not the wedding itself that keeps couples together forever.

One thing the show has been consistent about is that since day one, Carrie has been totally available to Big. If he'd proposed to her, at any point in time during the 10 years they've been together, she would have said yes.  Everything that has happened in their relationship has been because he'd finally conceded to it. Her life is completely dependent on what he decides he's willing to give her.

This is what bothered me about the show's ending, and it's bothering me a whole lot more in the movie. This has never been a mutual partnership in any way. Big apparently holds all the power to make Carrie happy, and he's been awfully stingy about it for the past 10 years, while she pines away, cries, degrades herself, and makes her friends miserable all the while. And now he's finally willing to marry her (Um ... jackpot?), she's standing there in her wedding dress, and still not sure that he means it.

... Or Does He?

The thing is, Big doesn't leave Carrie at the altar, exactly. He gets cold feet before the wedding, and after stalling in front of the venue, he tells his driver to drive away. He changes his mind, and drives right back.

Okay, that's not the greatest reaction you want from a groom on his wedding day.  But it's really not that bad.  He's been saying all along how he doesn't want a big spectacle, and how he's sour on the whole marriage thing, since his two previous marriages turned out badly.  If he had a chance to chat with Carrie on the day of the wedding, apparently, everything would have been fine.

So they meet up in front of the venue again, and Big is sorry for freaking out, and willing to go in and get married after all. Considering that most of the guests don't even know where the bride and groom are at that point, they could have easily walked in, gotten married, and no one would be the wiser.

I mean, that's what a normal person would have done, right?

But instead, Carrie decides to throw a giant hissyfit. Ugh. And it's as ugly and horrible and ridiculous as you can imagine.

The Girls Go to Mexico.

And then for the next hour or so, we are treated to Carrie moping. She acts like someone died. In fact, she even says so! Samantha offers to lie that someone died so Carrie can cancel her honeymoon bookings and get her money back. Carrie replies, "Wasn't there (a death)?" Holy self-absorbed cow!

Considering that one of her best friends is suffering from a greater heartbreak at that very moment (Miranda's husband Steve cheated on her), this is just unbelievable. They should be surrounding Miranda and feeding her cocoa instead!

Seriously now! Infidelity vs. cold feet before a wedding. Which is the bigger betrayal here?

Anyway, Carrie mopes around like an invalid, and her friends drop everything to gather around like she's got a terminal disease. Samantha actually spoon-feeds her at some point!

For frick's sake: Miranda's marriage suffered because she was stressed out with work, and couldn't make time for Steve. But Carrie's having a drama queen fit, so Miranda decides to take a vacation to Mexico to nurse her?  Oh, come on!

Big and Carrie Finally Marry.

So Carrie spends a few months moping some more, and then runs into Big's arms.

Does this make sense? Even Carrie admits that it doesn't really make that much sense: "It wasn't logic.  It was love."

Oh.  Okay.  Whatever.

I, as an audience member, am supposed to be happy when Big finally marries Carrie. But at this point, I no longer cared.  There was a point during this show where I would have been happy to see these two kids end up together.  But they've worn out my goodwill with their retarded behavior! Speaking of being worn out ...

Big Finally Surrenders.

It just occurred to me that we've never really gotten a handle on who Big is as a character. He's always been a bit of a mystery in the show - his real name (John) wasn't even revealed until the last moment of the show. It's never explained why he acts the way he does - why he jerks Carrie around, dates and marries other ladies, moves to Europe or California without consulting her, and other such indignities that make her fall apart over and over.

He says he loves her.  Then why does he treat her that way?

He's been this "big" specter constantly hanging over everything, a stand-in for all of the world's elusive boyfriends.  He kept Carrie from really committing to anyone else.  And anytime he beckons, she runs right over.

He's been this formidable presence whose whims controlled Carrie. But now, it's like he's a shell of a man. Like she's finally worn him down.

So when Big tells her that he loves her, it's just very ... uninspiring.

The only possible conclusion that is possible at this point is: If you wear some guy out for 10 years, he will eventually be yours. He'll be too old and tired to fight back.

Well, She's No Prize, Either.

So while mulling over all the ways that Big treated Carrie badly ... it reminded me that she wasn't the greatest girlfriend, etiher.

He told her straightforwardly that he wasn't ready to introduce her to his mother.  Her reaction to that was to stalk them at their church.  At some point, she even stalks his first ex-wife.

All along, she hasn't been very respectful of his space.  So it's kind of hard to blame him for pulling away from her.  After learning that he's marrying another woman, Carrie asks him, "Why wasn't it me?"  He replies, "It just got so hard."  Can't blame him too much here.

So, I'm just recounting Carrie's bad behavior, just for parity's sake.  And then it occured to me - He's a bit of a bastard, and she's bit of a biznatch.  There was no sugar-coating this truth during the show, and it was these moments of razor-sharp dialogue that made the show good.

At least they made sure that the drama won't end.  You know how an action movie often ends setting up the eventual sequel?  Well, that's what happens here, too.  As the final credits roll, you just know that there will be more stupid juvenile fit-throwing from Carrie, and Big will just behave however the situation dictates, without any apparent motivation.  One minute he'll be a dreamboat.  The next minute he'll be an a-hole, because Carrie needs to throw something at him (probably an expensive shoe) to keep the audience entertained.

Carrie's friends are going to need to stock up on a lot of cocoa. And blankets.  (Sweater capes!)  And whatever else you need to coddle an emotional succubus.

So There Are Four Women on this Show, Right?

Oh yeah, Samantha breaks up with Smith because she can't handle monogamy, Miranda forgives Steve's infidelity, and Charlotte has another baby. The end.

Anything Else?

Well, lots of designer clothes and shoes.  And the Carrie we knew and loved in the show (a struggling writer who occasionally had realistic money problems) sold a few books and is now so flush with cash that she buys $300 throw pillows.  I know that the show was always showcasing that stuff, so I guess I shouldn't complain about it.  It's certainly not the worst thing about this movie.

But even if our economy wasn't in the toilet right now, it's still lurid, instead of fun, like it was in the show.

For example, in one scene, Samantha buys a $50,000 ring at an auction.  Her boyfriend Smith ends up buying it for her as a gesture, but she gets peeved because she wanted to pay for it herself, as a symbol of her independence.  The independence part of that is fine, and so is the romantic gesture.  But if I was Samantha, I'd just be annoyed about how the bidding war jacked up the price of the ring.

And seriously, dialogue like this - "I want to pay for the $50K ring!"  "No, *I* want to pay for it!"  - may just make you want to smack someone even if we weren't in a recession.  I'm just sayin'.

Conclusion

So, addressing the stupid "bride left at the altar" storyline on which this whole movie hinges - they clearly tried to have it both ways:  Big needed to leave Carrie at the altar for one last f*ck-over for old time's sake.  Because if Carrie's not agonizing over what an a-hole Big is, there's no story.  But they needed to make the eventual reunion believable, so they couldn't really have him ditch her.

Well, having it both ways wasn't that effective.  There was no real emotional punch, and the whole thing was just cheap, manufactured drama.

*I* feel worn out.  For what it's worth, it does feel right to see Carrie and Big ending up together, again.  There was a time when I was rooting for these two.  Now, I feel indoctrinated, downright bludgeoned that these two belong together.  *golf claps*

So together they are as the credits roll. Annoyingly ever after.

Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age