Speaking Of Boys is a question and answer book about raising boys. Written by Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-aouthor of Raising Cain, it was written in response to questions received while on book tours and holding parenting seminars. As a divorced Mom of two boys, who grew up with no brothers, no male cousins around, and quite honestly has never understood the male of the species, I bought Speaking Of Boys and read it as part of my continuing effort to understand what makes my little male miracles tick.

I didn't get all the answers I was looking for, but I did get an education!

Overview of the book

Speaking Of Boys is presented in a question and answer format, broken down into the following sections:

Speaking of The Nature Of Boys
Speaking of Mothers And Sons
Speaking of Fathers and Sons
Speaking of Siblings
Speaking of Divorce
Speaking of Friendship
Speaking of Girls, Love and Sexuality
Speaking of Feelings and Communication
Speaking of School
Speaking of Teachers
Speaking of Social Anger and Aggression
Speaking of Boys In Trouble
Speaking of Sports
Speaking of Boy Fun, Games, and Laughs
Speaking of the Big Questions

The Nature of Boys begins with a question that could have been asked by me eleven years ago; a new mother-to-be, expecting a boy, is concerned because she knows nothing about boys. Dr. Thompson's answer is both humorous and sweet, and contains one of my favorite passages:

"For a mother to raise a boy means she gets as close as one can get to crossing the lines of gender. She will see the world through her son's eyes, and the world won't look the same. Mothers get to be adored by their sons, and that is really fun. She'll get to celebrate everything she has loved in men and help her son to become a good man. She will struggle with everything she has found regrettable in men, and at moments she will despair and say, "They're hopeless." It will be an amazing trip, just as it is for fathers who have daughters. Your son will open your eyes, broaden your knowledge, and help your sense of humor. I guarantee it."

He is correct. My sons have blessed my life in so many ways, exposed me to ways of looking at things I would never have found on my own, filled me with love I didn't know was possible, and exasperated me beyond words.

In response to a question about what makes boys so arrogant, Dr. Thompson's answer begins:

"Some people play piano. Some people sing. Some people act. In the boy realm, arrogance is a performance art. It communicates a feeling, and part of its allure is the reaction it receives from the audience - it makes people stop and take notice."

He's right again - all that arrogance and bravado that Son Two has been displaying lately have certainly gotten a reaction!

My experience with the book

I found the chapters on Mothers and Sons and Friendship to be the most enlightening.

On the topic of friendship, understanding that boy friendships have far different qualities than girl friendships, for example, helps me to relax a bit about what I had perceived to be a short-coming in one of my sons. It really isn't that he doesn't care about his friends, it's that his idea of a friend is someone to do things with, to play with, where my idea of a friend is someone to talk with, to share information with. It makes perfect sense now that I've read it!

The chapter on Mothers and Sons has prepared me for the inevitable loss of "coolness," which I am already beginning to experience, and has empowered me to back off on some of the control issues I've been experiencing.

My boys and I are not ready for the chapter Girls, Love, and Sexuality, but reading it has opened my eyes to some of the societal changes that have happened since I was a teen. I'm not sure I like what I've read in the area, however Dr. Thompson's practical, realistic, no-nonsense, non-judgmental advice seems right on target. I'm certain I'll be referring to this in the years to come. I might even get clever and leave the book around for my sons to "sneak a peek" into as a way of opening communication when the time comes.

Other Thoughts

Dr. Thompson has an extensive background as a family therapist, educational consultant, and child and adolescent therapist. His insight into the workings of the child's mind, especially a boy's mind, is powerful. His experience allows him to give real-world examples instead of pure psychological theory. As a parent of both a son and a daughter, and a former boy himself, I respect his advice and opinions.

The chapters on school and teachers are particularly helpful in understanding the differences in boys and girls academically and socially. I found the questions from teachers encouraging, with a recognition that teachers are in a unique position to see our children differently that we do.

Kate's Recommendation

If you are raising a son, this book could be a valuable resource, more so than any other parenting book I've read. The question and answer format makes it an easy read and a handy reference guide for the future. Teachers, child care workers and others who work with boys will benefit from it as well, although for me the strength in the book was in helping me, who has never been a boy, understand the boy brain.

This book will stay on my bookshelf.


Recommended: Yes