"All right, it's me, Noel Gallagher and our kid, fookin' Liam, to review Tellin' Stories by the Charlatans - a more entertaining prospect than listening to Oasis... hang on, who wrote this fookin' nonce-breathed Southern rubbish?"

"Your fookin' Mum Noel!"

"She's your fookin' Mum too Liam, yer fookin' tw*t-monkey. Fer fooks sake... Anyway, I have a lot of time and respect for Tim Burgess and his band, especially after losing that Keyboardist... er... wassname... Liam?"

"Knob 'ed."

"He were in our fookin' band yer gibbon. 'Til I sacked the fooker. Fookin' 'ell, try and concentrate our kid... Collins, Rob Collins. That were 'is name. Anyway, he drove fookin' car into fookin' tree, and the lads done well gettin' over his death and releasing one of the best, and most successful albums of their career. What's your thoughts our kid?"

"Fookin' load of poncy Southern rubbish you fookin' coont."

"That's our fookin' new album you've got there you fookin' fool! I'll tell Mam on yers..."

"I were in Charlatans! They're better than fookin' Oasis... If you let me write the fookin' songs, people'd still like us, nob monkey."

"For the last fookin' time Liam, you're not the lead singer of the Charlatans. We've had this fookin' problem from day fookin' one..."

"And I were in Stone fookin' Roses."

"You're not Ian Brown either, you coont. I should warn all of those people who have difficulty understanding the Manchester dialect, that if you give us bad marks fer fookin' review, 'cos you can't understand plain fookin' English, I'll be deeply insulted, and I'll send Liam round to chin yer... Anyway... Back to fookin' CD. After our kid had stopped using 't to cut up lines of coke (the fookin' pillock were only using the bottled variety...), we put it in the CD player and were blown away by it's magnificent pop suss and arch lyrics. Then I realised Liam had actually been listening to fookin' Gorillaz and I shoved the CD up his thick coont a*se for buying that Southern ponce Albarn's album."

"You fookin' liked it!"

"Shut-up or I'm tellin' Mam. Anyways, once we got Tellin' Stories in we were well impressed like about how much my own band influenced the Charlatans."

"My fookin' band. An' they were better..."

"Fer the last time yer fookin' ponce, Oasis is my band. Now fook off and play with yer Appleton yer little monkey. Fer fook's sake, let's talk about some of the fookin' music. The first song that were foisted on the nation were introduced by a rumbling, adrenaline-fuelled piano riff and sneering, snarling vocals harking back to our kid, only with a bit more flair and character..."

"Yer callin' me a poof yer fooker?"

"... and was called One To Another. The sound were Britpop, of the sort that me and our kid wrote, and me Mam said were better than that Southern Jessop Albarn. It's the perfect introduction to the all new Charlatans sound, wit' swagger, gusto and energy. Before he drove car int' tree, Collins still appears on the album, having left some of his organ work to posterity."

"Yers callin' me a fookin' poof again coontybollox? Stick it up yer posterity yer fookin' pillock!"

"Fer fook's sake Liam, I'm tryin' to show Joe Punter the intellectual side of Oasis. Now fook off, or I'm tellin' Mam!"

"Fooker..."

"This new found energy was revitalisin' and surprisin', as in the upliftin' blast of How High?, a ballsy rocker..."

"Noel said balls... Yers a queer fook Noel?"

"... about livin' life to the max. The guitars are loud and heavy with a huge party feelin' and lyrics like "Yeah too right I'm gonna pledge my time until the day I die." It's a bit like our own song, Live Forever, only wit more bounce about it..."

"It's fooking sh*te..."

"Fer fooks sake Liam, which one do you like then?"

"None - they're all fookin' rubbish!"

"A minute ago yer said they were better than us, and now yer don't like 'em at all. Yer a fookin' pillock. North Country Boy is another of the big singles taken from the album, a country inflected indie anthem with crashin' guitars and that slightly slow, plodding tempo made popular by yours truly. Pure, instilled, rootsy rock 'n' roll, and none of this fookin' Southern arty-farty nonsense."

"Ewww Noel, he's a fookin' poof. He's singin' "I'll be good to you if I could I'd make you happy," an' he's singin' to a fookin' bloke!"

"Shut-up yer pillock... The organs are more understated as one might expect...."

"Oooo, "As one might expect." Yers a fookin' poncey b*stard now Noel..."

"Fer fooks sake Liam, shut the fook up yer pillock before I smack yers in the fookin' chops... The Charlatans are also more than capable of writin' a heart-rendin' ballad, like the light acoustic strum of Tellin' Stories, a richly produced epic spectacular wit' funny noises an' everything. It's another song about livin' life to the absolute max, with lines that, although cliched, are still evocative and heart-warming: "Live for the day, you know your head is meant to be cemented." Also, you can see where they influenced my own band, with the toe-tappingly brilliant instrumental, Area 51.

"I fookin' hate instrumentals. They're fookin' ponce music fer ponces!"

"That's just 'cos you can't fookin' play anything yer nobber. Area 51 is a guitar led, rocking three minutes full of great musicianship, of the sort our kid'll never be able to master or comprehend, with Rob Collin's fine hammond organs still putting in a brief appearance. The album also has a good start with the bluesy rocker, With No Shoes, with Tim Burgess affecting a full Mancunian sneer jus' like our kid, only better..."

"Fook you Noel, I'm fookin' the best. I write all the fookin' songs in our band fer fooks sake..."

"No yer fookin' don't Liam. And before yer says owt, yer don't play any of the fookin' instruments either. The song lacks much in the way of hammond organ, and is replaced by wah-wah driven, Stones influenced guitars which link in nicely with the preceding album, The Charlatans."

"I know what my fookin' favourite one is now Noel!"

"Ok Liam, which one is it?"

"Yers A Big Girl Now, 'cos it's about yer missus, yer fookin' pillock. Ha ha!"

"Fook off yer fookin' tw*t-gibbon, it were written before me new fookin' missus came along yer fooker. Why don't yer fookin' go and fook yer Appleton Liam, and leave the bein' clever to me, yer thick little fook. You're A Big Girl Now is an acoustic driven ballad about..."

"Fookface!"

"Shut the fook up yer fooker Liam... Where were I?"

"Yers were sayin', "My name's Noel Fookin' Gallagher, and I'm the ugliest fookin' coont in 't fookin' world and me Mam's a fookin slag!"

"Fer the last time, she's your fookin' Mum too yer pillock. Now shut up while I finish the review... The later tracks on the album, such as Get On It begin to lose the thread. Get On It in particular sounds very rough and half-made, even a bit loose around the edges..."

"Like yer missus..."

"Right Coontybollox, that does it! Come here yer fook and I'll fookin' give yer what for our kid!"

"I fooked yer dog Noel!"

"Fooking pillock!!!"

Standout Tracks: Tellin' Stories, Area 51, How High?

Yes! I managed to go an entire Charlatans review without saying that Rob and Mark Collins were brothers!

Recommended: Yes