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La da dee la dee da
La da dee la dee da
La da dee la dee da
La da dee la dee da
La da dee la dee da
La da dee la dee da
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In the mid-90s, music died. At least, dance music did. All the hard work that Duran Duran, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, and Janet Jackson did from 1980 - 1989 was undone pretty swiftly at the hands of underground rave DJs who had been developing a new sound that couldn't be anymore of a complete 180 if it tried. Unlike the glossy, slick, and polished sounds on the decade of excess, the mid-90s house sound was comprised of think drum machine beats, piano breaks, saxophone sound bytes, and monotonous, mindless techno. Some artists attempted to this new sound well. I must admit that Janet Jackson took it and made it tolerable; but there were countless dance acts waiting to spoil the party with their generic beats and repetitive lyrics that make even The Police shiver. None other than "singer/songwriter" Crystal Waters exploited this musical phenomena and set forth to issue some of the worst dance music ever pressed to vinyl. Waters made her debut in 1991 with her Surprise album, and she ruled the downtown club scene for a few years with her lack of any true musical talent or style. Unlike contemporaries such as Ms. Jackson or Amber, Crystal combined some of the worst lyrics with a robotic voice that makes her sound inhuman.

I know that I tend to avoid greatest hits compilations, but I honestly don't think my ears could survive listening to the back catalogue of one Ms. Crystal Waters. If The Best of Crystal Waters is to be credited as representing Crystal's top notch music, then I'm going to avoid this woman's other music at all cost. I've never been a fan of this dub-club sound from the 90s, but nobody quite gets under my skin like this chick. She's probably best known for the embarrassingly laughable single Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless), which proves that Americans have the worst taste when it comes to dance music. The song quickly sets the tone for the rest of the disc with its obnoxious vocals that scratch against the beat with just about every stupid word. There is a way to mix heavy topics with pop music. If you don't believe me, take a listen to Madonna or Janet Jackson's tracks about spousal abuse. The combination of concern for the homeless and some of the worst club beats makes me laugh each time I hear it. If you've ever watched the downtown comedy skit show In Living Color, then you are aware of how side-splitting funny it was. Well, my whole reintroduction to Ms. Waters is a direct result of watching a parody of Gypsy Woman that somebody put on YouTube. I like parodies. I think they are not only funny and entertaining, but make me want to hear the original. When it comes down to this particular song, however, I'd have to say that the parody is far more enjoyable. Crystal embarrasses herself with bumbling "la da de da da da da" segments that lasts about 50,000 hours, which makes her sound drunk. Unfortunately, of the twelve songs present on this collection, just about all of them sound like self-plagiarism and make Crystal out to be nothing more than a hack. The pipe-organ riffs on the ridiculous In de Ghetto are just plain weird, as Crystal tries to pull of a Jamaican accent during the obnoxiously sung chorus. Trust me...I don't want to go to that "party in de ghetto," at least, not if she's the host.

To be fair, I didn't always loathe this woman with every fiber of my musical being. I had a house CD featuring Devone and Cathy Dennis as a kid called 100% Pure Dance, a not-so-subtle track on Crystal's song 100% Pure Love. Yes, the beat isn't her best or anything, but the melody is catchy, which is something I can't say about a lot of the music on this collection. When Crystal warbles in a lower register, it's a lot more tolerable, especially on Say...If You Feel Alright, which is the only song on this album that I can say I like from start to finish. It was released in the latter half of the 90s, and pop music wasn't as messy and boring. Though all traces of the 1980s were completely gone from fashion and appearance, the beat (sampled from Earth, Wind, & Fire's September), has a truly classic feel that makes me tap my foot more than anything on this album. Unfortunately, this two-track winning streak doesn't last very long, especially when the bulk of the album sounds like the ridiculous Spin Me, which is a poor use of a Dead or Alive sample. By the time you get to the middle of the album, you are so sick of bad club beats that you'll want to slam your face against the sidewalk, because Just a Freak, which features the one and only Dennis Rodman, is just that terrible with its non-melody. Crystal Waters forgot one vital component with her music: THE HOOK. Regardless of lousy production or lack of vocal talent, if you have a song with a great hook, I'm going to want to listen to it more than once because just one listen won't be enough. Hence the term "hook." That's the entire reason I can stomach Britney's Blackout album.

One of the most offensive to my ears, aside from the album opener and closer, would be her bastardizing of The Boy (Girl) From Ipanema-- yes, yes, I know. First of all, I don't know who told this woman it'd be a good idea for her to cover a song most famous for being a Sinatra tune. This would be like Britney Spears singing Freddie Mercury. Though she doesn't sound absolutely obnoxious as she sings in her lower octaves, she does strain behind an overpowering, bouncy production that does its damnedest to not only get on my nerves but also fill in the cracks that Waters leaves behind. The Best runs at over an hour-long, but don't be fooled; seventeen minutes of that is devoted to two horrendously unnecessary dub mixes of her original hit. I hate the radio edit that runs at less than four minutes...why would anybody want to torture themselves to an extended mix that four times as long? Prepare for lots of la da de's for about ten minutes in between hyper rave beats, piano breaks, organ samples, and Crystal's strained vocals.

VERDICT
If you're smart, you will stay far, far away from Crystal Water's mindless brand of house music that defines just about everything I hate about the genre. If innovation needed a place to hide, it would tuck itself in a Crystal Waters CD, because nobody would ever think to look for it in there.

And I would like to introduce a new feature in my reviews: the negative integer.

01. Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless) [-5 Stars]
02. 100% Pure Love [3 Stars]
03. Say...If You Feel Alright [5 Stars]
04. In de Ghetto [0 Stars]
05. Makin' Happy [1 Star]
06. Ghetto Day [1 Star]
07. Just a Freak (ft. Dennis Rodman) [0 Stars]-- What the hell, by the way.
08. Spin Me [-5 Stars]
09. Relax [1 Star]
10. Surprise [1 Star]
11. The Boy From Impanema [-1 Star]
12. Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless) (Strip to the Bone Mix) [-5 Stars]
12b. Gypsy Woman (She's Homeless) (1998 Remix) [-5 Stars]

Best: Say...If You Feel Alright
Worst: ...OVER TWENTY MINUTES IS DEDICATED TO HER ONLY REAL FREAKING HIT.

SCORE: 1 SKULL ( -.02 Stars+ ) OVERKILL? I don't care.

Recommended: No