repulsemonkey's Full Review: Dr. Seuss - The Cat in the Hat: Mini Book and Fing...
The Cat in the Hat begins innocently enough. A brother and sister, identified throughout the book only as “Sally” and “I”--possibly British Christians, if their doe-eyed, blank-faced expressions indicate anything--sit staring out the window on a rainy day. The children’s parents have left them supervised by an anal-retentive goldfish, who takes pride in killing their good times like Ben Gay on a plump nutsac. So they remain inside the humid house, wishing they had something to do, blissfully unaware that their futures would bring problems much more complex than mere boredom--problems like the boy’s unexpected creamy discharge or Sally’s unhealthy obsession with buttery vagina lips. But soon something happens that will change their lives forever, or at least until Mom & Dad return.
A loud “BUMP!” signals the arrival of a new character into the mix--a real hipster, a rabble-rouser, the kind of fun-loving miscreant who’s so down that you could ask him to give you a blumpkin, swallow, flush, and make you a turkey sandwich, and he’d still call you back the next day. This cat walks in wearing--get this--a hat! That’s right, a long, tall, red & white striped top hat (sort of a juicy, erotic phallic-symbol for tablecloth fetishists) rests upon his dome, a sure sign of a troublemaker. It soon becomes obvious that the Cat in the Hat will stop at nothing short of sloppy muff-pumping to show these kids a good time. Though Sally enthusiastically throws herself into the Cat in the Hat’s rambunctious, sphincter-loosening games, the male protagonist approaches the newfound frivolity tentatively, as if he were mounting a wart-infested bronco. All the while, the goldfish continues to act like a mummified douchebag, admonishing the kids for trashing the once-clean house and ordering the Cat in the Hat to leave immediately. Hilarity ensues.
I enjoyed Dr. Seuss’s The Cat in the Hat immensely, and would go as far as to call it a “fun-filled romp”. I especially liked the O. Henry-esque twist, when, at the exact moment the kids think The Cat in the Hat has given them the shaft and left them to clean up the house by themselves, he bursts back through the door faster than Drew Carey ravaging a cottage cheese-textured boob and puts everything back in its proper place. But, even though The Cat in the Hat gave me more pleasure than minty muffin-munching, I did have a few complaints.
First, at times, Dr. Seuss’s illustrations got in the way of my own imagination. For example, at one point in the story the Cat in the Hat begins to pick up a lot of random objects and balance them on various parts of his body while hopping up and down on a ball. The picture clearly shows him with a cake and teacup on his head, two books in one hand and the goldfish bowl in the other. But if I had my druthers, I would have imagined the Cat balancing the cake on his jiggly, lubricated crotch. Then, when the Cat finally tries to balance too many things and loses control, I would have imagined that the fallen objects would leave the house an oily, feces-stained mess and the Cat on the ground, bruised and mangled, screaming blasphemouss profanity. Obviously, Dr. Seuss’s acute drawings inhibit my over-active imagination.
Also, much of Dr. Seuss’s signature writing style annoys me. For example, he uses more exclamation points than a wild pack of SAHMs giving David Lee Roth a greasy Dutch oven. Why does he need to overemphasize his words? Why couldn’t he just show the excitement on the kids’ faces? (This, of course, supports my theory that “Sally” and “I” are British and Christian.) And Dr. Seuss’s rhyme-schemes are less fun than a rare glandular disease that makes you constantly secrete liquid pimple cheese. He seems to think that no one has ever rhymed “fish” with “dish” before. These days, you need to come up with something much more original--like rhyming “triage” with “biyotch”--to impress me.
But my main complaint about The Cat in the Hat concerns the message it sends to the kids. On a rainy day, when “Sally” and “I” should be behaving themselves, and obeying the authority of the goldfish, the Cat in the Hat appears and, like a jolly pirate, convinces the children to toss aside their brains like so much discarded raw hamburger for the sake of having fun. The kids who read The Cat in the Hat will learn that it’s okay to ignore societal taboos and throw caution to the wind. Next thing you know, these very same kids will post their brand of stank-nasty humor across public places like the internet, and it will spread like oral herpes, corrupting even more young, impressionable minds, thanks to Dr. Seuss. And that’s just not right.
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Poor Dick and Sally. Its cold and wet and theyre stuck in the house with nothing to do . . . until a giant cat in a hat shows up, transforming the dul...More at Christianbook.com
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