jankp's Full Review: Harriet Goldhor Lerner - The Dance of Intimacy: A ...
Author's Note--Here, here! Let it be known that I, like my character Dr. Freudine, cannot be physically intimate with a guy until we're emotionally intimate. Last time in my Living History book review, a distraught Doc accused Irish of male chauvinism. See my profile for links to all my Dr. Freudine reviews.
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I have my hand on the doorknob before I wonder what I'm doing by leaving Irish in my office. Did I intend to lock him in? As I'm hesitating his warm hand covers mine on the knob and like an icicle in the sun I shudder.
"Look at me, overreacting to our differences, which Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. in The Dance of Intimacy wisely said caused more anxiety than the actual differences! This is a great book I found yesterday for David specifically, which any adult who wants healthy relationships and a healthy self might use." When he invites me to sit on the couch with him, I smile and join him. "It's a follow-up to her bestseller The Dance of Anger. Haven't read that yet or the third one, The Dance of Deception."
"Well...sounds durn good so far."
"You just think it's about sex, hehe," I tease, flashing him a grin, and jump up to retrieve the book from the bookshelf. I then plant myself on the edge of the desk closest to him, but he has other ideas! Soon he's right next to me on the desk, grabbing the book.
"O...kaaay, let's see what we have here! Hey, the subtitle says it's for women: A Woman's Guide To Courageous Acts Of Change In Key Relationships."
"Yes, she works with women mostly because in the 80s and even now it's usually women who want to improve their significant relationships. She points out, though, that she hopes both sexes will appreciate its advice and examples of how her clients have worked to...well, focus on themselves before those they're in relationship with."
He suddenly smiles. "I can already tell I'll like this. Go on."
"You see, anxiety in relationships will usually cause a woman to try to figure out what's causing it and her single-minded focus is on changing him. This never works because it increases anxiety." I pause as he starts reading the contents:
1 The Pursuit of Intimacy: Is It Women's Work?
2 The Challenge of Change
3 Selfhood: At What Cost?
4 Anxiety Revisited: Naming The Problem
5 Distance And More Distance...
"Distancing from someone is just another way to cover up anxiety and only calms things down temporarily," I sneak in and then laugh as Irish presses up against me and we kiss.
...6 Dealing With Differences (what's that one say, Doc?)
"Lerner makes a lot of great points, like 'closeness' and 'sameness' shouldn't be confused and the only way we learn is through our differences. We each see the world with an unique filter, manage anxiety differently and react to stress or differences at different levels of intensity. We actually have patterned ways we move in while under stress, learned from our family and culture."
...7 Defining A Bottom Line (hmmm, Doc?)
I grin. "A bottom line means that you take a position that is not in reaction to your loved one, that acts for yourself, but it's not against them. For example, Lerner worked with Kristen who had been enabling her drunk father for years. Her mother and she complained, threatened, criticized, even distanced themselves, but none of it worked. When Kristen finally refused to pick up her drunk dad stranded somewhere and called the police for him, she began the hairy process of losing her responsibility for him and giving it back to him. It forced her mother as well to look at her own weakness."
...8 Understanding Overfunctioning (you just described it, right?)
"Oh, there's so much in this book! Overfunctioning refers to a 'reciprocal (or circular) relationship pattern'. Like that drunk dad was an underfunctioner who gives up his self for the overfunctioner who is bolstered in self. Relationships can and often do become stuck in this pattern and a therapist may need to help the burned out overfunctioner finally break free."
...9 Very Hot Issues: A Process View of Change (taking it slowly maybe?)
"Yeah, Lerner had a lesbian client who decided to hop on a plane with her partner and lay it all out to her completely unprepared parents." I laugh. "The hotter the issue, the slower you have to go, putting yourself in their place to be prepared for countermoves."
...10 Tackling Triangles (more than affairs, I'm guessing?)
"Yes. There's many examples with graphs given..."
...11 Bold New Moves: The Story of Linda
12 Our Mother/Her Mother/Our Self
13 Reviewing Self-Focus: The Foundations of Intimacy (so what are they, darlin'?)
I nudge him with a laugh. "Not what you're thinking, I'll bet! Focussing on your own dysfunction that you're ignoring. Intimacy is a fine line between togetherness and separateness, where you don't need to overfunction or underfunction. You share your vulnerabilities and strengths to support the growth of each of you as a person."
"Pretty good book then?"
"Excellent. Her clients fought her methods at first, one couple went to another psychotherapist who agreed with their method to get their wasted money, but most came around and with her support changed their focus so they could then repair their relationships in a couple of years or rarely a few months. Depression, suicidal in one case, was lifted, too. Very impressive!"
"And a layperson would get as much out of it? It's easy to read...?" Irish crooks an eyebrow.
"Definitely. That's why I'm giving it to David. Hey, what're you smiling for?"
"So are we emotionally intimate yet or do we have to talk about our mothers now?"
I grin wickedly, hop off the desk and hold out a hand. "May I dance The Dance of Intimacy with you, oh candidate of my heart?"
He growls under his breath as he captures my hand and then twirls me around as best he could in my office. "This story won't be pretty...," he begins.
The Dance of Intimacy takes a careful look at relationships where intimacy is most challenged by too much emotional distance, too much intensity, or s...More at Audible.com
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