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Just dance
Gonna be okay
Dadadoodoodum
Just dance
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THIS REVIEW IS A RE-WRITE.

They’re a lot of things in this world that make my ears erratically vomit; but just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, somebody came along to the music scene who has pushed me to near suicide measures. This woman/man/alien is Lady GaGa, and her pretentious image and lack of originality make me want to explode. Now, I don’t expect much from most mainstream pop acts these days, but she has taken credit for some of the most ridiculous gimmicks ever seen in music. Unfortunately for this chick, she will never be as shocking as Madonna, Ozzy Osbourne, or Michael Jackson. She will never have the vocal talent of her contemporaries—even Beyonce has a better voice. And she will never have the originality of those she steals from. Her debut record The Fame was released a few years ago, and I was pretty open to her music. It was catchy, but it was also certainly disposable.

What I could not account for at the time (but can now) is just how mind-numbing this record truly is when you are forced to hear it day in and day out. Lady GaGa’s music is catchy, yes. She has some cool electro-beats. And her lyrics are stupid enough to get stuck in your head. Unfortunately, this album is one of the most obnoxious ones out there, and it’s something I wouldn’t have understood until this year, after having to be subjected to Just Dance and Poker Face again and again and again. So, let me take another look at her record, post-antics: The Fame is horrible. Lady GaGa has got to be the world’s worst lyricist, with such stunning lines as “I’m just bluffin’ with my muffin” and “Da do da do dum mm just dance” and “Eh eh cherry cherry boom boom.” Essentially, she sounds like she’s having a stroke all throughout the damn album. The moments of this album that I can tolerate are those that have not been shoved in my face—Summerboy is still very catchy. That and Paparazzi is the best she’s even been and the best she ever will be.

I wrote that Lady GaGa would know quite a bit about fame at the end of her career—unfortunately for her, I have to doubt that now. Within a year, she has pulled out every trick from her rather shallow bag, half of which she stole from Madonna’s wardrobe. And unlike Madge’s freshness of the 80s and 90s, Lady GaGa is a poor knock-off wannabe. If the next thing she does is simple with her in a little black dress, then that’s just predictable—where is she to go from here? Is she just a sad combination of a drag queen, Cyndi Lauper, and Madonna? Is there anything cool about her? Well, her auto-tune pitched vocals certainly don’t help. The woman has a Cher-esque voice, but she rarely knows quite how to use it without the help of a machine. She needs to severely hone her skills if she plans on impressing people musically. Her career is 90% gimmick and 10% talent. She’s not the genius she claims to be in interviews, and this record is not one that I ever want to hear again.

From the boring non-melodic tracks Brown Eyes and Boys Boys Boys to the drug-esque dance tracks Starstruck and Lovegame, The Fame is one of the most annoying dance albums of all time. Lady GaGa is nauseating, and at this point, I cannot separate her horribleness from her music, which wasn’t even all that good to begin with. I would accurately describe The Fame as an album that tastes good when you hear it for the first few times. It’s danceable, it’s fun, and it’s catchy. But soon after, it’s like somebody slipped a drug into your cotton candy, because this record is headache-inducing.

Thus I end this review on the following note: Lady GaGa—GO AWAY.

Total words: 658

VERDICT
01. Just Dance [1.5 Stars]
02. Lovegame [0 Stars]
03. Paparazzi [3.5 Stars]
04. Beautiful, Dirty, Rich [1 Star]
05. Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) [1 Star]
06. Poker Face [2 Stars]
07. The Fame [1 Star]
08. Money Honey [1 Star]
09. Again Again [1 Star]
10. Boys Boys Boys [-1 Star]
11. Brown Eyes [0 Stars]
12. Summerboy [3.5 Stars]
13. I Like It Rough [1 Star]

BEST: Paparazzi
WORST: Boys Boys Boys, Brown Eyes
SCORE: 1 SKULL (1 Star)

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For the Lean & Mean Write-Off: HERE

Recommended: No

Great Music to Play While: Hanging With Friends