...you just happy to see me?

Ever since I read that a close analysis of the hotel sheets on which Mike Tyson raped his victim revealed semen that not only wasn't Mike's, but had made it through a hot and punishing wash cycle before Mike even hit the sheets, I've been fascinated by the sport of boxing. No, just kidding. But I have long been fascinated by the science and history, the phenomenonology, and the sheer staying power, of bacteria, viruses, and related disgusting body fluids and solids.

This little book, which boasts a washable cover and would make a great stocking stuffer, isn't exactly encyclopedic. It's not even the Cliff notes, nay, the Zagat's, of germs. It's a little compendium of factoids about diseases and conditions, with medical warnings, symptom checks, and blurbs called "Fright Bites" thrown in. In the interest of public health, I now pass some of these on to you. The book arranges them randomly; I found that they lent themselves to organization by location, as follows.

Bathrooms and Kitchens:

There are 120 viruses, including Hepatitis A, that live in feces. When you flush the toilet, water droplets containing more than 25,000 virus particles and 600,000 bacteria fly from the bowl, hover for a few hours, then finally land on surfaces as far away as six feet. Closing the toilet lid won't help, the next time it's opened, a cloud of virus-carrying water particles will burst out. (Toothbrushes are a common target of this vapor.) For a truly clean toilet, regular disinfectants won't do, so you will have to spray lab alcohol in the bowl and light it. A flambeed toilet bowl is guaranteed to be bug free for at least one flush! (Do not try this with a plastic bowl.)

The lowdown and dirty on women's restrooms: public women's restrooms are twice as germ-laden as men's. Women spend more time in the bathroom, and also bring in children, who are mobile bacterial hot zones. The dirtiest places are, in order: exterior of the sanitary napkin disposal bin; the floor around the toilet; the sink and taps; the toilet seat; the flush handle. 48% of women line the toilet seat with either the paper seat covers or toilet paper. American women use the most toilet paper in the world - seven sheets per visit (I feel like a horrible spendthrift, having clocked myself at an extravagant 18) - while the British come in second - 3.9 sheets per visit. The middle stall in a public bathroom is usually the most contaminated, while the first is the least contaminated.

In many American homes, the toilet may be cleaner than the kitchen sink. The reason is that people use disinfectants on toilets but allow sponges and food residue to remain in kitchen sinks for days, even weeks. Fecal bacteria are often found in kitchen sinks.

Bacteria flourish in sponges. People who are neater tend to wipe off surfaces more often, spreading bacteria throughout their kitchen.

Showering bombards you with hundreds of thousands of droplets of water. Each droplet contains hundreds of thousands of bacteria.


The Office:

Today's newspaper is usually germ-free, since fresh ink inhibits the growth of microorganisms. But yesterday's paper, or a weekly, will be covered with potentially dangerous bacteria.

Coliform bacteria was found on of 60% of office coffee mugs. 10% had E. coli.

One in four office water coolers contains bacteria. The water is usually pure in the plastic container, but the faucets become contaminated.


The Laundry:

A single pair of underwear contains, on average, one-tenth to 10 grams (!?!) of fecal matter containing, among other things, the rotavirus, which causes diarrhea, and the hepatitis virus. [I hope that 10 grams was in a diaper.] Washing underwear with other clothes simply distributes the fecal matter through the load. Infection from this matter most likely occurs while the clothes are being moved from the washer to the dryer; the dryer usually kills the harmful substances. Bleach helps kill the bacteria and viruses in the wash; so does disinfecting the washing machine by running an empty load of just detergent and bleach. In about 50% of homes studied, fecal matter was found in family washing machines. No studies have been done on laundromats.


The Day Care Center:

Fecal bacteria was found on the hands of 20% of day-care staff workers; more than a third of day-care centers had poor handwashing techniques.


ATMs, Taxis, Theaters, Pay Phones, Sidewalks:

In New York city, bacteria found in fecal matter were identified on the screen of an automated bank machine, the back of a taxi cab, and on a headset in a 3D movie theater. Flesh-eating bacteria were found on the mouthpiece of a pay phone. On a movie theater seat, researchers found vaginal bacteria.

Flu viruses can live for years in dried spit.


The Salon:

If your salon isn't clean, you have about a 2% chance of getting a herpes infection or a pimple-causing staph infection while getting a facial. Make sure the facialist is wearing new latex gloves. And if you have a cut, you're twice as likely to get an infection during a manicure or pedicure.


The South:

Roundworms live in the southern United States, and can grow to more than a foot long in a human host. They flourish in human manure, or night soil, and if you breathe in roundworm eggs or eat contaminated food, the egg will mature inside your body. If there are too many roundworms in a human host, they have been known to exit through the mouth, nose, or anus. An estimated one billion people carry roundworms.


No Place in Particular:

Brainerd diarrhea has no known cause and researchers don't know how it is spread. Sufferers experience explosive diarrhea 3 to 20 times a day for more than a month. There is no cure. (The normal rate of diarrhea for adults is 1.5 cases per year; for children, 3 cases per year.)

Two-thirds of HMO's had clauses that could be construed as restricting doctors from telling the patient everything about their cases, especially regarding drugs or services not covered by the plan. Seven percent of the plans had non-disparaging clauses (doctors may not undermine a patient's faith in the medical plan); 62% had confidentiality clauses (doctor prohibited from explaining the "plan's payment and incentive structure, medical management criteria, and clinical practice protocols.")

Are you too fat? Too thin? Did you buy your floorlength mirror for $9.99 and then congratulate yourself on your savvy consumer skills? Unfortunately, studies show that unless you spent about $7 per square foot on that looking glass, you aren't getting an accurate vision of yourself.





Recommended: Yes