I. Introduction
(A Scadly Preamble)

Those Puritans really knew how to get things done! Hangings, witch hunts, whippings, public shaming; man, those were the good old days! Who needs football or the World Wrestling Federation when there is such an abundant source of free public entertainment? Puritans kick ass! “The Scarlet Letter”, Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic tale of morality, the nature of sin, and redemption, set in 1600s New England, serves as a reminiscent walk down memory lane to a time when men were men and women were second-class citizens. Scads of harsh reproof and discipline were lovingly administered by iron men and conformity was not merely appreciated, it was demanded!

We can only hope that one day society will come to its collective senses and return to this utilitarian utopia, but, at the very least, we can all find solace in the actions of the management team of one small microcosm of society, one tiny little online society, who has attempted to embrace the way of the original Americans (screw the Indians) and demonstrated shades of puritanical thought infiltrating their decision-making process and manifesting itself in scads and scads of ways specifically designed to provide consumers with an EVEN BETTER RESOURCE to make smart purchasing decisions about cat food, lipstick, and Hustler magazine. There is hope for America yet.

Bonus Scadbit #1: A leaky head gasket will cause poor compression.
Bonus Scadbit #2: Puritan leaders would most likely disapprove of Hustler magazine’s publisher, Larry Flynt (publicly).

II. Background Information
(Four scads and seven years ago…)

Time has been kind to “The Scarlet Letter” in many respects. The work is still widely appreciated some 150 years after its initial publication, yet is simultaneously reviled as a heavy-handed morality play. Its author, Nathaniel Hawthorne, the descendant of virtuous Puritan ancestors who took seriously their duties of imposing their religious values on others and flogging Quakers at every opportunity, is probably doing wildly athletic cadaver somersaults in his grave right now over the horrifically misguided interpretations to which literary scholars are subjecting his masterwork.

Some see Hawthorne’s tome as a condemnation of his Puritan forefathers and interpret the text as characterizing puritanical justice as perverted and unjust, when in all actuality he speaks of them with pride, demonstrating how the most narrow, constricting interpretation of law and morality brings peace and happiness to the masses. There is no denying the Puritans were a jovial, fun-loving bunch of characters.

Some see Hawthorne’s work as a feminist text, demonstrating the ill effects of sexual repression and punctuating its pro-female stance by casting a strong, independent woman as its heroine, when, in truth, the text fully recognized sex as an unnatural and naughty thing (except when done for the sole purpose of procreation, and then only when consummated in the missionary position), and the primary character, Hester Prynne, was not a heroine, but rather a villain. She was a brazen strumpet who allowed a man (a man who was not her husband, for crying out loud!) to insert his wanger inside her and inject baby juice, DESPITE the fact that she knew full well the magistrates and church would not approve! They call this a heroine? Hawthorne knew the score, he understands the dynamics of the role of gender in society, as evidenced by his characterization of Hester as one who gained her sustenance through “the art – then, as now, almost the only one within a woman’s grasp – of needle-work.” He understands full well that all women are really good for is sewing and making babies. Chew on that, Gloria Steinem. Chew on that and smile. And once your inferior female mind is finished mulling that over, get over here and give me a blowjob.

Bonus Scadbit #3: Pregnant women are often known to eat strange foods.
Bonus Scadbit #4: Most Republicans would prefer that Alec Baldwin move to Canada.

III. Plot
(What evil lurks in the heart of men? Only the Scadow knows…)

Hester Prynne, a wanton Puritan bimbo, is caught by the authorities in an illicit affair culminating in the birth of an illegitimate child. The shocked and distressed good Puritan magistrates, in a show of merciful weakness, merely sentence her to a lifetime of wearing a scarlet “A” representing her vile wickedness as an iniquitous partaker in most-wicked adultery. Despite the urging of good men of authority (including the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale), she unwisely refuses to name her partner in this licentious crime during the course of her public shaming.

Unbeknownst to all but Hester, the long absent Mr. Prynne (whom none of the townspeople had ever seen) shows up to the settlement just in time to witness his recalcitrant saucebox of a wife in the midst of her public shame. He’s rightfully pissed off and decides to make it his life’s quest to exact revenge on the unknown man who planted the loveseed in his wife’s fertile inner parts. Mr. Prynne, discarding his former identity and adopting the name Roger Chillingworth, shows a great resolve and determination of purpose in opting to pursue the naughty adulterous guy, and, in the process, becomes the hero of the story. It pleased him to come to “a land where iniquity is searched out, and punished in the sight of rulers and people; as here in our godly New England” and he was surely attempting to pull his load with his worthwhile objective.

As Hester is struggling with her iniquity in solitude while attempting to raise her ill-begotten child, Pearl, who, predictably, proved to be a little hellion; her partner in the adulterous act, the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, was rapidly gaining the respect and esteem of the townsfolk. While it might appear hypocritical that Dimmesdale, who refused to accept punishment for his crime, weekly preached sermons against sin and anti-puritanical acts while he himself was the perpetrator of a “biggie”, he should be afforded some leeway. Hawthorne did explicitly describe, after all, that Hester was a hot little piece, so who can really blame the good reverend for dipping his wick in her honeypot?

Dimmesdale, however, is wrought with guilt over his sin of commission (as well as his sins of omission), and is the victim of failing health and constant angst – this despite the fact that he got away with it and Hester was all kinds of fine. Unfortunately, Chillingworth, who has gained Dimmesdale’s confidence, discovers that the good reverend is the Hester-humpin’ playa, and deviously works his vengeful machinations upon him.

After seven years of secrecy and leading a double life, Dimmesdale (with the help of Hester) decides to make a fresh start; however Chillingworth, a clever old fart, is wise to his intentions and is not content to let Hester and Dimmesdale escape in peace. Eventually, everything comes to a head, life-altering decisions are made, and one of the main biznagas dies. Was there redemption? Was there a happy ending? Did Hester do the horizontal bop with Dimmesdale again? I shan’t reveal it. You’ll have to read the book for yourself.

IV. Characters
(Scadly Playas and Biznagas, One and All…)

A. Hester “SCADS-a-Pumpin’” Prynne (slutty skank snared after seeking scads of sinful sensual sexual satisfaction)

(Scad me, baby, scad me, baby… all night long)

“Thus the young and pure would be taught to look at her, with the scarlet letter flaming on her breast… as the figure, the body, the reality of sin.”
- “The Scarlet Letter”, Chapter 5

Hester, shameless hussy that she was, served as an example to the good people of Masachussets, as a living embodiment of all that is wrong in society. She was mocked and righteously persecuted by the townsfolk, people who knew how to live CORRECTLY, people that had NEVER been invaded by Rev. Dimmesdale’s tube snake, and when she brazenly sashayed around the town, shaking her moneymaker to and fro and enticing the chaste men with her saucy grey garb and sexy red letter, the children would say, “Behold, verily, there is the woman of the scarlet letter; and, of a truth, moreover, there is the likeness of the scarlet letter running along by her side! Come, therefore, and let us fling mud at them!” AS WELL THEY SHOULD HAVE!

Slut. Much of the story focused upon her struggles with morality and (blasphemous as it sounds) her efforts to shape her OWN morality, INDEPENDENT of the proven, tried and true, CORRECT morals of her neighbors and townsfolk, but when all is said and done, there would be no penance great enough to make up for her sin (SIN! SIN! SIN!) of allowing Dimmesdale to put his wiener in her. Sorry, babe. One strike and you’re out. Slut.

Bonus Scadbit #5: A “tufted titmouse” is a type of bird.
Bonus Scadbit #6: A “tufted titbird”, however, is not a type of mouse.

B. Reverend Arthur “Let Him Without Sin Cast the First SCAD” Dimmesdale (high-minded homeboy holds hidden hush-hush handicap. Hapless holyman has humanity, however harbors hypocrisy)

(Jimmy Swaggart’s got nothing on this man of the scad…)

“To the untrue man, the whole universe is false,-- it is impalpable,-- it shrinks to nothing within his grasp. And he himself, in so far as he shows himself in a false light, becomes a shadow, or, indeed, ceases to exist.”
- “The Scarlet Letter”, Chapter 11

Like the Apostle Paul, Dimmesdale was haunted by his past, afflicted with a “thorn in his side” and had become everything he despised while simultaneously accomplishing great things in the name of God. The internal conflict he constantly subjected himself to (with the ever helpful pushes and prods from his good, good friend, Chillingworth) made a waste of his body and troubled his spirit. His spiritual sickness and self-loathing manifested itself on his physical being in a most unusual way, and he was unable to work around this paradox: His primary desire was to good for others, but in order to do this good (for credibility’s sake) he had to do evil (hide his sin.) The duplicitous conundrum he found himself in was always at the forefront of his mind, and it was observed that “no man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” But he gave it his best shot.

Bonus Scadbit #7: In the movie “Behind the Green Door”, porn actress Marilyn Chambers had sex with people.
Bonus Scadbit #8: It is widely rumored that former Epinions member “dnmnkc” has no testicles.

C. Roger “Scad to the Bone” Chillingworth (perfectly proper person pursuing proactive (?) punishment for perfidious person. Puritans’ prized physician, perhaps phony?)

(Scads are a dish best served cold…)

“But the former aspect of an intellectual and studious man, calm and quiet, which was what she best remembered in him, had altogether vanished, and been succeeded by an eager, searching, almost fierce, yet carefully guarded look. It seemed to be his wish and purpose to mask this expression with a smile; but this played him false, and flickered over his visage so derisively, that the spectator could see his blackness all the better for it.”
– “The Scarlet Letter”, Chapter 14

Chillingworth is the Ahab of this story, bent on revenge, consumed by a single obsession: to enact his personal justice on the mysterious man who sullied the woman who was formerly his wife, to seek retribution on the one who injured his psyche and wronged him. It was personal to Chillingworth, and his actions proved that out. He was wronged, he could not be any more wronged if he were subjected to the cruel torments of the Groinpuncher™ or privately mocked by the Puritans improper utilization of unflattering names (like Lil Roggy) in reference to him.

Chillingworth’s obsession with revenge got the better of him, and his quest for redress (for harms both real and imagined) compelled him to take actions that were, ultimately, counterproductive and self-defeating.

I liked Chillingworth!

Bonus Scadbit #9: Hey, you, get off of my wife!
Bonus Scadbit #10: Aussie Shampoo’s website displays some of the most fascinating shampoo prose I have ever read.

D. Pearl “Mini-Scad” Prynne (savage small fry of slutty seductress, symbolic of sin, certainly sprung from scandalous source)

(Cast ye thy scads before swine…)

“On the breast of her gown, in fine red cloth, surrounded with an elaborate embroidery and fantastic flourishes of gold thread, appeared the letter A. It was so artistically done, and with so much fertility and gorgeous luxuriance of fancy, that it had all the effect of a last and fitting decoration to the apparel which she wore; and which was of a splendor in accordance with the taste of the age, but greatly beyond what was allowed by the sumptuary regulations of the colony.”
- “The Scarlet Letter”, Chapter 2

Hester named her misbegotten child Pearl, not as a reflection of her physical qualities, but rather because she had been “of great price – purchased with all she had – her mother’s only treasure.” And she loved Pearl as properly as a wayward slut such as herself is capable of loving. Yet she perceived a darkness in Pearl, seeing her as a manifestation of her own sin. She viewed her as ”the scarlet letter in another form; the scarlet letter endowed with life!”

Pearl was very much a Jesus figure in this story. She was sin made human, she was Hester’s only shot at redemption, and she seemed somehow unearthly. However, Jesus never purposely broke a sparrow’s wing or danced on graves, so their paths diverged somewhat.

Pearl challenged the belief that, as the product of something the authorities deemed improper, she herself could have no worth or value. This sort of prejudgment on the part of authorities is not particularly uncommon. Let’s look at a hypothetical analogy: let’s say that an individual associated with a business (let’s just, for the sake of example, assume that it is a business primarily involved with providing SCADS of pure, wholesome, consumer-lovin’ goodness to an information-starved public) is generally held in disdain by the company, yet enacts some sort of innovation that will directly impact the company. In such a circumstance, it is probably not uncommon for the authorities at such a business to assume that Scileppi (errr… I mean the individual held in disdain), being a man of ill repute, will only produce ideas that are deleterious to the business’s best interests. They might assume that ANYTHING spawned from such a scumsucking scadmonkey could ONLY result in a product that would NOT, in fact, provide scads of pure, wholesome, consumer-lovin’ goodness specifically designed to provide valuable data to an information-starved public. However, is that assumption correct? Can goodliness come from the ungoodly? Is that possible? Not in this case, so rate accordingly, but if one searches hard enough they could perhaps find a Pearl in a scadstack.

Bonus Scadbit #11: I have been known to “write the songs that make the young girls cry.”
Bonus Scadbit #12: Boston was the home of many fictional television characters including: Cliff Claven, Sam Malone, and all those guys on that show about the Boston public school system.

E. Scads O’ Puritans (the masses that mold the mandates of the mighty into maxims for the meager)

(The great masses of the people... will more easily fall victims to a big scad than to a small one.)

“’What do we talk of marks and brands, whether on the bodice of her gown, or the flesh of her forehead?’ cried another female, the ugliest as well as the most pitiless of these self-constituted judges. ‘This woman has brought shame upon us all, and ought to die. Is there not law for it? Truly there is, both in the Scripture and the statue-book. Then let the magistrates, who have made it of no effect, thank themselves if their own wives and daughters go astray!’”
- “The Scarlet Letter”, Chapter 2

Ah, the common folk, the great unwashed masses, always willing to warn others of the sliver in their eyes while ignoring the motes in their own. Like some I have seen on this site! Yes, on this very site I have seen some casting aspersions on others and condemning the products of their labor when, in truth, some of these very judges are so lacking in skill and deficient in effort that I can but marvel at their audacity. But such folk always have some justification, some higher edict, be it Scripture, be it TOS, or be it mass-mailed letters from top dawgs, to shoulder the burden of their judgments. Hester encountered this type daily in her walk through life, observing “dames of elevated rank, likewise, whose doors she entered in the way of her occupation, were accustomed to distil drops of bitterness into her heart, sometimes through that alchemy of quiet malice, by which woman can concoct a subtle poison from ordinary trifles; and sometimes, also, by a coarser expression, that fell upon the sufferer’s defenceless breast like a rough blow upon an ulcerated wound.”

So the Puritan people of Hawthorne’s vision were not without fault, but man, they sure did do some serious Quaker flogging!

Bonus Scadbit #13: Pi, calculated to two decimal points, is 3.14
Bonus Scadbit #14: Ducks!

V. Themes
(Would not a SCAD by any other name smell just as sweet?)

A. Utilitarian Values are Good – All Else Evil
(I love to go swimmin’ with scad-legged wimmen…)

The Puritans had a simplicity in their life – every piece of the puzzle fit, anything more than necessary was too much, stoicism was to be admired – that rings true yet today. Hester Prynne was a gifted seamstress, yet she insisted on “flaunting” this skill by sewing wildly ornate designs and using funky stitch patterns when simple ones would suffice. Regarding these wasteful, sinful sewing habits, it was said, “This morbid meddling of conscience with an immaterial matter betokened, it is to be feared, no genuine and stedfast penitence, but something doubtful, something that might be deeply wrong, beneath.” And isn’t that the way of all things? There might be something wrong beneath. Hey, it MIGHT be wrong! Warn people! Take proactive measures! That is how “art” SHOULD be viewed. Why would a painter pollute his canvas with too many colors? Why should a sculptor use excessive clay? Why do anything more than is necessary? Why inject creativity and personal expression into a statement or collection of statements when a simple, factual recounting of the subject in question will suffice? Why would one say “I’d rather chew off my own arms than watch woman’s gymnastics” when she could simply state “I don’t care for women’s gymnastics.” Why is “art” necessary in the first place? A utilitarian approach is the BEST approach in all instances. Clearly, there IS danger lurking within anything that exceeds the “necessary.”

Bonus Scadbit #15: Epinions member blackmonolith is neither black nor is he a monolith.
Bonus Scadbit #16: After a member of my household sneezes, we do not say ‘Gesundheit’ or ‘Bless you.’ Rather we say ‘Shut up.’

B. Forced Conformity is Good – Individuality is Evil
(Down, SCADS, down!)

What if the scarlet letter had become en vogue? What if the other Puritans who valued such unworthy concepts as individualism and free will, and held a different view of morality had, in a show of solidarity, all decided to fashion scarlet letters to wear upon their breasts? What would the magistrates do in the face of such an act of defiance? It would have caused much unrest for the good and just magistrates, which is just another reason that Hester Prynne, scadless strumpet that she is, should have just been put to death. Nip it in the bud!

She could have impacted society. Her dangerous ideas and wayward mores could have spread to the good townspeople and corrupted the masses. That’s why it is necessary to silence the Hester Prynnes of this world. Preemptive action, or as some like to call it “proactive measures”, would have been entirely justified in dealing with Hester the Immoral Molester. The Puritan magistrates, though, infected with one of the most insidious of inflictions – mercy – acted weakly. Modern day Puritans would be well served to act sooner and harsher. Why wait until the adultery (or other potentially damaging naughtiness) has been committed, why not “punish” the potential transgressor earlier JUST IN CASE they are ill intentioned? Why didn’t they mass-mail all the citizens of New England and inform them of the possibility that Hester MIGHT commit adultery BEFORE she spread her wrong-doin’ legs? That would seem the logical action to take, but they dropped the ball.

Bonus Scadbit #17: Weirdo 80s band Devo’s moniker was short for “de-evolution.”
Bonus Scadbit #18: Devo would have fit in well in Puritan New England.

C. Morality is Good – Immorality is Evil
(oh, what a tangled scad we weave…)

I don’t know anything about morality. I need someone wiser than I (preferably someone in authority) to explicitly tell me what is good or bad in all instances. I don’t like to make judgments. Nor should you.

Bonus Scadbit #19: Some women have been known to exchange sexual favors for cocaine.
Bonus Scadbit #20: Some women have been known to exchange sexual favors for toaster ovens.

VI. Ingredients List
(…snakes and snails, and puppyscad tails…)

Paper, binding glue, sultry large-breasted Puritan chick who puts out, matronly stoic Puritan chicks with good child-bearing hips, men with big hats, men with big beards, drunken sailors, public pillory, grave dancing, naughty preacher, carbon monoxide, Little Red Riding Hood’s precursor, a forest dalliance, old man abducted by Indians, live cobras, artificial flavorings and preservatives, SCADS, and Jerry Mathers as “The Beaver.”

Bonus Scadbit #21: In certain cultures, failing to provide an ‘ingredients list’ is punishable by death.
Bonus Scadbit #22: Epinions should be one of those cultures.

~Good and worthy, consumers, this is where the product review ends. The remainder is intended for Epinions members only, so look away! Look away!~

VII. Credits
(…you hate me! You really hate me!)

Since I am both a playa and a biznaga, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank Nirav Tolia and the Epinions management team for the personal attention they have given to this writeoff. I was waffling on whether or not to take part in this scadsniferous event, but after seeing the SCADS and SCADS of free publicity they have bestowed upon it, and the outstanding marketing technique utilized to bring it to the forefront of hundreds of Epinions members’ minds, how could I resist?

The next time they catch a whiff of Jim Scileppi involved in such shenanigans, though, I would suggest that they take much harsher “proactive” measures. Don’t stop at prejudging, misrepresenting, and projecting the worst possible intentions upon him. AFTER his private e-mail is obtained and forwarded to hundreds of individuals accompanied with SCADS of unresearched, unqualified grossly misguided analysis of his possible future actions, they should do something much, much more puritanical. Ticketing or banishment is not punishment enough for wrong-thinking, anti-consumerly helpful, potential TOS-abusers like Jim Scileppi. The most fitting punishment would be to brand his profile page with a big scarlet “S” for “Scadlessness.” It wouldn’t hurt to alter his profile picture to replace his nose with a human penis, either.

Note: Scads of animals were harmed in the process of manufacturing this opinion.




Recommended: Yes