“If all the medicine in the world were thrown into the sea, it would be bad for the fish and good for humanity”

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
19th-Century Professor of Medicine, Harvard University

The great strides in medical knowledge achieved in recent times have resulted in standards both logical and relatively safe. Those days of nonsensical conjecture that prevailed for centuries - even among the greatest minds in the field - have given way to a greater understanding of the human body, as well as its afflictions.

In Weird Cures: The Most Hilarious, Disgusting and Downright Dangerous Medical Treatments Ever, authors Joel Fram and Sandra Salmans compile some of the funniest and ickiest documented doctoring disasters throughout history. The approximately 6 x 6 inch, 128 page soft-bound book is arranged in chapters highlighting a broad range of “cures” devised by those innocently ill-informed, and others guilty of blatant quackery.

♫ Smoke, Smoke, Smoke that Cigarette... ♫

Sparked by its New World discovery, the tobacco leaf was long considered a cure-all for any number of conditions. Dried and smoked, it was common belief that it “strengthened” the nose, throat and stomach. Concoctions derived were used as sedatives to “calm the insane”, and some even went so far as to claim the application of the green leaves as a cure for leprosy.

A scan of magazine advertisements as recent as the 1950s advocated smoking as an “aid to digestion”, where tobacco companies enlisted physicians to promote the alleged health benefits of the practice. In a bizarre twist to the industry spin, Lorillard offered “The greatest health protection in cigarette history” with its introduction of a revolutionary cigarette filter in 1952; the filter’s principal ingredient - asbestos!

♫ I Wanna be Electric... ♫

Although chapters on Holistic and Botanical cures are good for a chuckle or two, the real entertainment begins with the section on Electrical and Magnetic Cures. Austrian physician Franz Mesmer believed that magnets held the key to cure and prevention of many diseases. Even advocates of bad science in his day repelled such quackery, making Mesmer little more than a footnote in history. His engaging personality was apparently mesmerizing; a term that evolved from his name that has become synonymous with that which “hypnotizes or spellbinds”.

Fishermen who tangled with electric eels were shocked to learn that these encounters had a numbing effect upon the area of contact. “Electric Fish” were thought to be an effective treatment for headache, epilepsy, joint pain and depression. Most bizarre of the bunch is the treatment for prolapsus ani, a condition where the rectum protrudes through the anus; though the proper placement of the fish in this instance is unknown.

♫ Doctor, Doctor - Gimme the News ♫

For 19th century Indiana doctor Alpheus Myers, the news was grim - tapeworms in his time were as common as present-day cell-phones. In 1854, with necessity being the mother of invention, his “Tapeworm Trap” became the affliction’s cutting-edge treatment. To begin, a small rustproof spring-loaded cylinder with cord attached was baited with cheese, then swallowed after a period of fasting, necessary to make the tapeworm hungry. When the trap was sprung, the captured worm was removed through the throat via the attached cord. According to Scientific American, Myers was successful in "removing a worm fifty feet in length from a patient who, since then, has had a new lease on life”.

♫ How Much is that Druggie in the Window? ♫

Before the days of federal regulation, narcotics were the main ingredient in many over-the-counter remedies. Dr. Drake’s German Croup Remedy contained opium, as did Gowan’s Pneumonia Cure. Various Cough Killers and Teething Powders were dosed with morphine, and fifteen cents would buy you a bottle of Lloyd’s Cocaine Toothache Drops - its quaint advertising targeting children.

The Legend of what makes Billy Goat Gruff

Chapters on cures for Mental Illness, Female Troubles and Royal Cures round-out the excruciating hilarity that totals the text of Weird Cures. Even such a standard of bizarre medical behavior contained is surpassed by the 1920s story of a Kansas doctor whose cure for impotence involved transplanting bits of goat testicle into his patients. Be “the-ram-that-am-with-every-lamb” was Dr. Brinkley’s come-on phrase - prospective patients could select the goat of their liking from the doctor’s own herd on the premises.

The goateed doctor even became the butt of jokes:

Q: What’s the fastest thing on four legs?
A: A goat passing Dr. Brinkley’s hospital.

No index exists in Weird Cures: The Most Hilarious, Disgusting and Downright Dangerous Medical Treatments Ever, but a complete table-of-contents gets you to the good stuff fast. Victorian period styling and illustration add to the archaic description that should go far toward establishing infinite appreciation for our present-day expensive, yet humane medical professionals.

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Weird Cures (2006)
Authors: Joel Fram, Sandra Salmans
Running Press Publishers
125 South Twenty-second Street
Philadelphia, PA 19103
runningpress.com
ISBN: 0762427221
Cover Price: $8.95 (US)
Purchase Price: $2.95 @ edwardrhamilton.com


Recommended: Yes