This has got to be one of the most ironic singles I have ever heard in my freaking life.

Nicole Scherzinger (what a name) is better known as the face, voice, and ass of girl group The Pussycat Dolls, who, along with Danity Kane, are one of the very few still left in the genre with the 2005 departure of Destiny's Child. Ever since their first single Don't Cha hit the charts, the girls have more or less been all over the place. Well, Nicole has. She's more than just the lead singer. She's more or less the entire group. The other, what, five girls in the group never get face time or vocal time (not that I can hear), and it leaves me constantly questioning why in the world they are even there. Regardless, I did enjoy their debut album pcd, which was full of over-sexed dance tracks that were enjoyable enough to warrant a little respect. Unfortunately, the girls serve more as pin-up ads than actual singers, and any vocal or dance talent they have is overshadowed by their leader, who, recently, decided to make the venture out into solo territory (after years of her album not seeing the light of day.)

And wow. I am shocked.

After all this time, I thought the girls were the ones who needed her, but maybe it's the other way around, because this single is the biggest musical train-wreck since Gwen Stefani decided to create a Japanese minstrel show. Whatever U Like is one of the offensive songs I've heard in a while, and I don't mean the overtly sexual lyrics-- I just mean the overall sound. It hearkens back to the obnoxious production of Jennifer Lopez's Get Right, mixed with lyrics that aren't in the least bit clever. To be frank, I'd rather shake my thang to Britney Spears (and I think we all know how I feel about that song). The song utilizes Nicole's sexuality far more than her vocal talent, which is obviously the theme of her girl group, but she takes it way too far on this song, with this particular line: there's something about that cocky thing you got. I won't tell you where the emphasis is, but I have confidence that you can figure it out yourself. This line comes just before she begins an obnoxious refrain of hooker-babble: I do wat-eva u lyke i can do i can do i can do wat-eva u lyke. Classy lady.

She attempts, throughout this song, to do that Janet Jackson orgasm voice, but it just fails hardcore (yuk yuk yuk). I mean, at least when Janet sings, I can understand her (most of the time), but with Nicole, it sounds like Mariah bird calls with the pitch turned up even higher. As she stumbles through this awkwardly horrible song, she also stumbles in a video that really suits how trashy this tune is. Just when you thought she couldn't be any less classless, the video for Whatever U Like features Nicole in water, in mud, behind chased, behind sexually molested (she's enjoying this, by the way), all in about one thousand different bikinis. This is not a music video. This is softcore porn that features more fan service than Japanese animated hentai magazines. But this song doesn't stop at being horrible, it sinks even further with a generic guest rap by T.I., who sounds like a clone of Ja Rule (lol, remember Ja Rule?). This rap is equally as disgusting and trashy as the song is, but it's compacted into about forty seconds before Nicole comes back into the spotlight to hypnotically tell us that she can do wat-eva u lyke.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah. Someone should tell her how to spell "you."

...crap, there's one more thing. It's funny that this release contains a "clean version" and an acapella mix. Number one, you could power-wash with song and it would still be disgusting. And two, I forget to hear the part where Nicole actually sings, so what's the point of stripping the music?

JUDGING
I have no more words.

Album Version
A capella Version
Instrumental Version
Clean Version

OVERALL SCORE: 1 Star (0+)

Recommended: No