Assertiveness pays off
Written: Jul 19 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: self-help, easy to understand, great book
Cons: none
The Bottom Line: Excellent self-help book on learning to be assertive. It is continuing to change my life for the better.
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| Jennd417's Full Review: Robert E. Alberti et al - Your Perfect Right: A Gu... |
I have been in therapy for 7 years for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and being Agoraphobic. It sure is not an easy life to live, but with therapy I have learned a lot about myself. One of my biggest problems through the years is that I have not been assertive enough. Yes, I will admit it, Susie next door drops off her kids when I dont want to watch them and I say yes..I hate a shirt I bought and I can not bring it back to the store with out feeling guilty..and the list goes on. Are you assertive enough? If your answer is no, this book Your Perfect Right-A Guide to Assertive Living is for you.
Your Perfect Right-A Guide to Assertive Living, written by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons is a self-help book. My edition is the 25th Anniversary, 7th edition. The book itself is 246 pages long, but it is definitely worth reading it, without skipping any pages. The book is divided into 6 parts and has 21 chapters. The book also includes 2 appendices.
Part 1- You and Your Perfect Right:
Chapter 1- Assertiveness and You: This chapter explains what assertiveness is. What is assertiveness? Assertiveness is a tool for making your relationships more equal~~~for avoiding the one-down feeling that often comes when you fail to express what you really want. This chapter explains the benefits of the book which include, less anxiety when dealing with others and headaches, general fatigue, and other symptoms that may be related to a failure to develop assertive behavior. Research has shown that, by developing the ability to stand up for yourself, you can cut down your stresss and increase your sense of worth as a person.
Chapter 2-Your Perfect Right: This chapter goes into detail on what your rights are as an individual. It explains how society evaluates human beings on scales. There is a section called Women are Talking Back! This section is about women gaining recognition of their individual rights. Yes both men and women can be assertive. Also included in this chapter is how society often tries to discourage assertiveness.
Chapter 3-Keeping Track of Your Growth: You will find that keeping a personal growth log for situations, people, attitudes, behaviors, etc. will serve as a motivator to continue your success towards your personal developement.
Chapter 4-How Assertive Are You Now?: OK, I will admit when I opened this chapter and took the assertiveness inventory on pages 28-29 I was very suprised at the outcome. Basically, I was revealed as a doormat. With continuing work with this book and a therapist, I am becoming more and more assertive as the days go by. It takes a lot of work, but it is well worth it. It pays off to feel worthy of yourself.
Chapter 5- Set Goals for Yourself: This chapter is basically what it says, you will be setting goals for yourself. You will learn what some goals have conflict. Each large goal you set must be broken into small, manageable steps.
Part 2- Discovering Assertiveness:
Chapter 6- What It Means To Be Assertive: This chapter goes into details on the difference between assertiveness, nonassertiveness, and agressive behavior. Assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation which also values the other people in your life. An example of non-assertive behavior is allowing others to chose, the aggressor will chose for others and the assertiveness person will choose for themself. There are ten key points to assertive behavior that are listed in this chapter. The list is as follows:
1)Self-expressive
2)Respectful of the rights of others
3)Honest
4)Direct and firm
5)Equalizing,benefiting both parties in a relationship
6)Verbal, including the content of the message(feelings, rights, facts,limits)
7)Nonverbal, including style of the message (eye contact, voice, posture)
8)Appropriate for the person and situation, not universal
9)Socially responsible
10)Learned, not inborn.
Chapter 7- "Can You Give Me An Example?": This chapter is full of examples and different situations, such as dining out and the neighborhood kid.
Chapter 8-It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say it!: This chapter is in depth about how assertiveness is the way you talk. Assertiveness does not depend on being highly verbal.
Part 3- Becoming Assertive:
Chapter 9- Thinking Assertively: This chapter made me open my eyes. Basically you will learn about your attitude toward yourself. You will be thinking about the ways you could act like a person who thinks positively. You will learn to stop imagining the worse. This chapter is wonderful.
Chapter 10- There's Nothing To Be Afraid Of: Do you have fears? I sure do and this chapter breaks down methods of overcoming those anxiety and fears. Basically, this chapter helps you to understand there are effective ways on dealing with anxiety.
Chapter 11- It's A Skill You Can Learn: This chapter is short and to the point. Assertiveness is something we all can learn. That is basically what it is.
Chapter 12- Take It One Step At A Time: This chapter consists of a 17 step by step process for increasing your assertiveness. The list is rather long but I will name the first three steps for you. Step 1 is observing your own behavior, step 2 is keeping track of your assertiveness, and step 3 is setting realistic goals for yourself. As I mentioned there are 17 steps, I just listed the first three.
Part 4- Taking A Stand:
Chapter 13- Anger Is Not A Four-Letter Word: Everyone gets angry, but this chapter goes into depth about anger versus assertiveness. There are many myths to angry behavior. This chapter will help you to understand that you minumizing anger in your life makes for a healthier life style. For example, to minumize anger you need to listen to others, increase your empathy, forgive, and the list goes on.
Chapter 14- Must We Put Up With Put-Downs?: This chapter helps is simple. You can resolve the hurt you feel by put downs if you put some assertiveness forward. It is all in the way you say it.
Part 5- Applying Your Assertiveness:
Chapter 15- Assertiveness Builds Equal Relationships: This chapter tells you that effective assertiveness communication can build positive, equal relationships between people. There is a great section about assertiveness in the family.
Chapter 16- Assertiveness, Intimacy and Sexuality: What does sex have to do with assertiveness? Let me give you an example. If you are non assertive, you are shy and hesitant. Your inner thoughts during sex could be "he hurt my feelings when I said I wasnt into sex tonight". The assertive persons inner thoughts would be honest and open. An example of the inner thoughts would be "he hasn't seemed to be responsive lately". See the difference. You are not feeling hurt, you are just accepting the situation the way it is. You will be suprised on how much your sex life is affected when you are more assertive.
Chapter 17- Assertiveness Works At Work, Too: This chapter explains how assertiveness can be used at work. It goes into detail about supervisors and being the supervisor.
Chapter 18- Dealing With Difficult People: We all know those people who are just too handle to deal with. Well, in this chapter you will learn steps toward overcoming this and putting your foot forth. It is a short, to the point chapter.
Chapter 19- Deciding When To Be Assertive: Breaking down when to be assertive can be a hard thing to do. Take it from me, I am going from a door mat to no you will not walk all over me. But, I have to chose when to be assertive and when not to be. There are times when you have to lay back a little and this chapter explains how to do it.
Chapter 20- Helping Others Deal With The New Assertive You:
Let me tell you from my own experience, those closest to you will see a new you. They will wonder what has gotten into you, but they will respect you more for standing up for yourself. Yes, I have lost friends because I learned to say no when someone wants me to watch their kids, but they were not true friends to begin with. Tell a close friend that you are trying to become more assertive. Let those around you know that you are becoming more aware of your own needs and wants. This chapter helps to explain what and how to deal with others understanding the new you.
Chapter 21- Beyond Assertiveness: The final chapter helps you to understand that you have the right to make choices, but sometimes the situation can be hazardous. Another short and to the point chapter.
The appendices are assertiveness takes practice and further readings.
Do I recommend this book? Yes, I highly, highly recommend this book. If you have trouble expressing your feelings, this book is a must read. It is really helping me to understand that I have rights too. It is a great book. Make sure you do the exercises in the book or you will not benefit from the book. Also remember that it takes time and you may need, like in my case, to work with a therapist. It is nothing to be ashamed of. I am two steps forward of being assertive. Two steps ahead of not being a door mat any more.
Recommended:
Yes
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