Premise- There is a man named Coleman Francis. He's evil, and I hope he knows that. His movies are pure pain. At least Ed Wood's films, while in no way good movies, were a lot of campy fun. Coleman Francis however loves pain. He loves to drive pain into his audience. So he made some movies. There are three that I know of Skydivers, Red Zone Cuba and The Beast of Yucca Flats. So the immortal question is: what is this movie about?. I really couldn't tell you. Here's the plot that Coleman (the director, if you did not know) tried to work with: A Russian scientist (Buttery, beefy Tor Johnston) has top secret data about "the flag on the moon"- or whatnot, so these guys... (yes that's about as specific as I can be "these guys"- Coleman Francis never lets us on any knowledge or depth in the movie, so you just have to use your imagination and work with me)... try to steal the plans for operation "flag on the moon" (once again I cannot be more specific) for some reason, and Tor Johnston then gets blown up by a nuke. Does he die? No he becomes THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS- which is really just Tor Johnston with wrinkled toilet tissue and powder glues to his face (yes, that's what they really used). What goes on from that point is truly an acid trip. Some kids get lost in the mountains (well, emotionless kids with no desire to live), as well as there is a scene where a guy shoots an innocent man for no reason at all... I think it ends eventually, but I really can't explain much more.
Review- I'd like to analyze the film, and try to see where Coleman Francis went wrong in this movie. So we're going to take Forrest Rice's Scientific Method to Bad Movies. So if you will take a deep breath, put away all things on your desk, and pay close attention, we may in fact find out where Coleman Francis went wrong.
Step 1: Identify Why This Movie is Bad
This movie is bad for all kinds of reasons. Coleman Francis loves parking. He also loves coffee (Coffee and cars parking chew more scenery than anyone else in this movie. I've even heard that a few actors quit while the making of this film, because coffee and parking was given too much screen time. It is a law in a Coleman Francis film to have at least 3,000 scenes dedicated to coffee and cars parking). In fact, I think Coleman Francis had an agenda all his own in his movies. Maybe they're nothing more than promotional icons for coffee and cars...But there's no time to speculate on that conspiracy, just yet. The movie also has little dialogue, and I think it may have been dubbed over again. So, instead of Coleman taking time and pride into the re-dubbing, he came up with an ingenious plan- to narrate the movie himself! (That's how inept this film is. It's so inept that someone has to explain to you what is happening on screen) Coleman narrates the entire movie, all consisting of sentences that go no where, like: "The A Bomb...a woman's purse...kids lost...Yucca Flats...flag on the moon...coffee...parking...Yucca Flats..." and it goes on like that throughout the whole feature. The bottom line is, this movie is bad, and if you think it's good, you need help.
Step 2: Pick Out Specific Scenes That Simply Don't Make Sense (aka The Chewbacca Theory)
Where to start!...
Coleman is a moral man, and all moral men know the motto: "Shoot first ask question later" (okay, maybe not moral me, but drunk hillbillys) So, the father of the two kids that got lost, is looking for them. He's just a poor dad. Walking around, trying to find his kids, and suddenly, a bullet goes into him. Why? Well there's a maniac in a plane that lives by the rule: "Shoot first, ask questions later." Alright then, so from now on, if someone knocks at your door, shoot them, and then say: "Hi. What do you want, sir?" Did the man in the plane know who he was shooting? No. It could have been the Pope for all he cared. It's all Chewbacca Theory. It does not make sense.
Step 3: Collect Data
Sadly, there is no data to collect, so we'll have to move on to...
Step 4: Experiment
I had the comfort of Mike and the Bots (from Mystery Science Theater 3000) on my first viewing of this film, but I wanted to be bolder...so I bought some Bold BBQ potato chips, and I ate them as I watched the feature with Mike and his robot pals.
But I wanted to go even bolder, boldly going where no film viewer has ever gone before: to see the entire film of The Beast of Yucca Flats raw and uncut without the help of my robot friends. This was my experiment. I was determined. I was actually going to sit through all of this movie. Straight through. So here's how it began...A woman is choked, then molested by th beast, then the beginning credits rolled up, and then I clicked off the TV. Sorry, I just couldn't take the heat.
So, since my experiment was a complete failure, I moved on to the next step.
Step 5: Record Observations
I recorded the following observations from the film:
1. Coffee
2. Parking
3. Coffee
4. Parking
5. Flag on the moon
6. parking
7. Parking
8. Coffee
9. Parking
10. Death
11. Parking
12. Pain
13. Coffee
14. Death
15. Pain
16. Parking
17. Coffee
18. Pain
19. Death
20. Pain
Step Six Conclusion (to where Coleman Francis went wrong)
Could it be his inept filmmaking skill? His love for parking, death and coffee? His love for gray darkness?
Nope.
Using the scientific data I have collected, I have found out what happened. Curly Howard** (of Three Stooges fame) did not die. It was all a cover up of what really happened. One day, Moe hit Curly really, really hard. So hard, that it disrupted his brain. It turned him evil, and all he wanted to do was cause pain. So Moe, decided not to let anyone in on this little secret, and he locked the new evil Curly in a film studio. And there, the Evil Curly changed his name to Coleman Francis. He wanted to inflict pain upon the world, but since he was locked in a film studio, he made painful films.
The madness...
The music...
The motion picture...
Everything you heard is true...
Don't see this movie, ever. See a good movie like Amadeus. It's truly horrible. It's beyond horrible. In fact, I take it back, Manos: The Hands of Fate is not the worst movie ever, this is. Do not see this movie unless you like pain. Lots of pain.
Overall Grade: Triple Negative F-
**For the record, Coleman Francis looks strikingly familiar to Curly Howard. Only much more evil. If Hitler and Curly had a baby, it'd be Coleman Francis.
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