This review is part of a write off to celebrate Kurt_Messick's first year anniversary of ordination into the priesthood and the convergence of various 500s - 500 reviews, 500 people who trust him, 500 days at epinions. Full write off information can be found at the end of this review.

I seldom quote the bible. Those that would appreciate knowing my favorite passages are already familiar with them, most likely, and those that are not have no interest. But I quote I Cor. 13:4-7 in my title because when it comes to parenting, to really loving your child, this passage says it all.

How To Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell, M.D. is a parenting book based on that passage. But that doesn't mean it's a book that only Christians will benefit from or enjoy; despite the New Testament foundation, this isn't a religious or spiritual book. Instead it's a book that explains that while almost all parents truly love their children, it can be difficult to express it in ways which convey that love to our children.

How we express our love to our children is what How To Really Love Your Child is all about. A parent's love is unconditional, or at least it should be. Children should know that the love of their parents isn't something they must earn and is something that will never be withheld. And while most parents feel that unconditional love, how we express displeasure, and sometimes even how we express our affection, often sends the message that our love is in fact conditional.

Dr. Campbell discusses some keys of communicating unconditional love to our children. These simple ideas, what some would call common sense, are easy to overlook in a busy life. Unfortunately their absence speaks volumes to our children.

The Key Concepts:

Eye Contact, for example, might seem unimportant. But to children, eye contact is one of the key ways that parents and others express interest, attention, and love. If you've ever had someone talk to you without looking away from a television or newspaper, you might get an idea of how important eye contact can be in establishing a real connection.

Physical contact - hugging, tousling hair, patting a shoulder, high-fives - is another strong element in connecting with a child so that he feels love. Physical contact is important for all children, but how boys and girls express their need for it, and the consequences of not receiving it, are quite different.

Focused attention is, for many busy parents, one of the hardest areas. It requires time, often a lot of time. It's also the area in which I fail the most. Focused attention means giving your child your full attention. And according to Dr. Campbell, focused attention is critical - more than anything else a parent does.

Appropriate versus Inappropriate love encompasses these four areas:

Possessiveness is a tendency of some parents to make a child too dependent upon them, to stifle a child's independence.

Dr. Campbell defines Seductiveness as attempting to derive, consciously or unconsciously, sensual or sexual feelings from an encounter with a child. Unfortunately, it's one of the most problematic for many parents, especially fathers with daughters, who may completely withhold physical contact because of fears of seductiveness. This is one area of the book that is not well-defined; Dr. Campbell considers it the most difficult subject to write about.

Vicariousness, living out one's life or dreams through the life of a child, is an inappropriate type of love that puts unnecessary pressure on a child and can lead them into situations they are not prepared to handle. The "stage mother" who pushes her daughter into beauty pageants, or the frustrated-athlete father who pushes his non-athletic son into sports, are common examples.

Role reversal is another negative, inappropriate type of love where the child is expected to be the responsible party (the parent) and the parent acts like a child. This is often the primary relationship in child abuse, where the child is forced to feel as if he is responsible for the parent's feelings.

Dr. Campbell also discusses discipline and punishment, clearly defining each and examining the differences and the effects of each. A great deal of information on loving discipline, and the importance of forgiveness, is included.

The final chapters discuss children with special needs and helping your child's spirituality. While the focus on spirituality is decidedly Christian here, the basic information, that a child needs a moral and ethical center, applies to people of all faiths.

Final Thoughts

I was introduced to How To Really Love Your Child a few years ago in a Christian Parenting workshop. I read it then and put in on my bookshelf. I have to admit I didn't give it another thought until problems with my youngest son began recently. I retrieved the book, read it from cover to cover one evening, and put the lessons back into play the next morning. The difference in Son Two's attitude was astounding within two days!

Love is patient, although it's hard for parents to be patient all the time. Love is kind, and loving parents go out of their way to always be kind to their children. How To Really Love Your Child can help you be both and help make certain that your children feel your love and trust in it.

Write-Off Information: This review is part of a write off to celebrate Kurt_Messick's first year anniversary of ordination into the priesthood and the convergence of various 500s - 500 reviews, 500 people who trust him, 500 days at epinions. The theme of this write off is either anything with the number 500, anything dealing with spirituality and religion or something regarding celebration and anniversary. I chose How To Really Love Your Child because it's about love. Love, to me, is what the priesthood, in fact all religion, is about.

Please read the others who are part of this write-off including: conradd, frazzledspice, jankp, jcvsmom, jenninca, kurt_messick, Lisa_J, nicholmere, prettyinpink, Psychovant, Redlass, telefrog




Recommended: Yes