Oh, wow. Look at you. Look at your room. I remember all those plants you kept in the windowsill, the way you took your lawnmowing money to the greenhouse to buy coleus and begonias. Dad always said your room smelled like manure from all the plants in it. How are you, man?
I'm good. Who are you?
I'm Paul. I'm you. Just, y'know, 20 years from now. This Saturday, I'll be 33.
This Saturday, I'll be 13.
I know. I know all about you. I was you. Y'know? How are things going?
They're fine, I guess.
Oh come on, now. How are things really going?
Who are you? Why are you even here? You don't look like me at all. You're fat. You have a beard.
You're gay.
What?
It's okay, man. I know. I know about ... well, you know. What you do at night, all the things you're thinking about right - all the things you're going through right now.
What? But I'm not... I've got-
I know, I know. But trust me on this. You're gay. But no need to worry about it right now. Seriously, kiddo. You'll get it later on. It'll be cool. Get to know yourself first. Know who you are. Everything else'll work itself out.
What'll Mom and Dad say?
They'll be fine about it. Trust me. It's all good. Oh, awesome! My tape collection! And my 45s!
Yeah.
Oh my god. Colin James Hay's Looking for Jack.
I love that one. I just got it. Have you heard of the band Crowded House?
I love Crowded House.
Have you got their album yet? I totally want it.
I've got all their albums. And Neil Finn's solo stuff. And the two albums he did with his brother Tim. And all of Tim's solo stuff too. And a couple of Split Enz albums...
Whoah.
I know. I'm a little obsessive.
So am I. I didn't know they had more than the one album.
I'm sorry. They don't. Yet. I mean, for you, there's only the one, and it's totally new. And you know what? That album will always sound good to you. Seriously, 20 years from now, you'll still be listening to "Mean to Me" and rocking out the same way you do now. I've got a lot of CDs now.
You have a CD player?
Oh yeah. Everyone does... now. In fact, CDs are almost obsolete now. They're becoming quaint, like LP records. In fact, it was a new CD that brought me here.
Really? What CD is it?
You won't have heard of it. It's by this singer called Pink.
Pink?
Yeah. I'm not sure she's actually someone you'd like at this point. I know that you're more into stuff that doesn't really get played on the radio.
Have you heard the new Howard Jones?
Would that be...
One to One?
Oh yeah.
I just got that for Christmas.
I remember that. It was at the fire station. Dad's still a firefighter?
Well, sorta.
Wow. I just didn't realize that-
Oh, and Mom's pregnant!
With Andrew.
Andrew?
Yeah. That's his name. Your new little brother. He'll be 20 this year. He just moved to Madison, right near where I live. So yeah, this new CD by Pink. It's got a song on it called "Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self", and it made me think of you.
Really? What's it about?
Well, it's a lot about just - y'know - growing up. You saw that movie Back to the Future, right? It's kind of about Pink looking back on what a hard time she had, and then, going back to herself and - like - reassuring her younger self that things are really going to get better. There's so much empathy in the song. It kind of chokes me up. And it made me think of you. I mean, this isn't really a good time for you is it?
What do you mean?
The potato masher incident?
You know about that?
The bruises on your arm?
Mrs. Wonoski asked about how things were going at home yesterday...
It was embarrassing.
Totally.
It's gonna be okay. Seriously? We all laugh about the potato masher now. It's family legend.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay. So, who is this Pink anyway?
Well, she started off like one of those teen idols... umm... is Debbie Gibson out yet?
Eww. I hate her.
I have her first three albums. They're really not that bad.
Ugh.
Yeah... you'll eventually like a lot of hair metal too.
No way.
Way. Well, anyway, Pink was sorta like Debbie Gibson when she first started. Or Tiffany.
Who's that?
Oh, you don't have Tiffany yet, do you? Trust me. Tiffany will make Debbie Gibson look like Dusty Springfield!
Who's that?
Oh, you youngsters. No sense of history. Anyway. When Pink's first album came out - I wanna say in 2000, or thereabouts - she was pretty much a generic sounding pop star. And there were lots of those then. Britney. Christina. Jessica. And then there was Pink. And at first, she seemed kind of minor.
What do you mean?
Well, you know... sort of second tier. I liked her song - it was called "There You Go" - but, I couldn't imagine that she would last that long.
Kinda the way I felt about Madonna.
Oh, yeah. We were totally wrong about Madonna. She's got a new album out too.
Yeah, True Blue. Have you heard it? I love the video for "Papa Don't Preach".
No, I mean, right now. She has a new album out.
Wow.
Yeah. I know. You haven't seen the boob tassels yet, have you?
Boob tassels?
Just wait. By Christmastime, everyone's going to be talking about Madonna's boob tassels.
Okay. I'll take your word on that.
So, anyway. Yeah. Pink was this sorta second tier pop star. But eventually she proved smarter, and more independent and way more ambitious than any of her peers. You know the Turtles?
"Happy Together"? Those Turtles?
Yeah. Well, anyway. Back in 1968 or so, The Turtles were in sort of a commercial slump. They really hadn't had a big hit in a while, and their record company was getting really antsy. They were doing all this really complex vocal stuff, lots of jazzy, psychedelic, artsy stuff, but their record company said, 'yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all fine, but how about a hit single', y'know? And so, the Turtles were like, 'Fine, you want a hit single. We'll give you a flippin' hit single!' And they wrote this song called "Elenore", and it was basically every horrible bubblegum stereotype all collected into one song.
And it was a hit?
A huge hit. Their last really big one, really.
So what does that have to do with Pink?
Well, she's just done the same thing. You see, her last album, released 2 and a half years ago - it was called Try This - and it was pretty much a rock album. She got this guy from a punk band called Rancid to produce it, and it was really snarly, angry stuff. Still catchy pop songs, but not fluffy or self-exploitive. Totally out of her target demographic's comfort zone. I thought it was kind of self-conscious too, but it was a pretty ballsy album for her to do. Unfortunately, it didn't do all that well on the charts. Now, the lead single of her new album - it's called I'm Not Dead - the new single is called "Stupid Girlz", and just like The Turtles' "Elenore", it's a total parody of every bad pop stereotype out there right now.
Not just that, but it does all those stereotypical things better than any of the people she's making fun of. It's totally subversive, because it's like, radio stations are all over this song - it's really her biggest hit in ages - and yet, it's saying that basically everything radio stations play is wrong and stupid. It's like insulting someone right to their face, and them taking it as a total compliment. I love that. And the thing is, on the rest of the album, she's just a total rock chick. I mean, on the radio "Stupid Girlz" just sounds like any other pop song - except better - more biting. In the context of the album, it's clearly a joke.
Awesome.
Totally. Oh, and here's, like, another whole layer of irony for you. Remember what I was saying about all those other pop stars. You know, Britney and stuff?
Yeah?
Well, they all worked with this guy from Sweden called Max Martin, and he churned out these little gems of teeny bopper pop - Debbie Gibson stuff - you'd hate it (but I sorta came 'round to it) - so much so that his name was sort of synonymous with it, and a whole cottage industry sprung up around 1999 and 2000 of Max Martin imitators. It was like this whole subgenre of music called "Max Martin" - the whole subgenre that Pink has been really trashing on her last three albums. And who shows up as the producer for some of the new album's best tracks?
Max...
Martin. Exactly.
Balls.
Brass balls. But a lot of the tracks were also produced by this guy named Butch Walker. He was in this band called Marvelous 3 - totally underappreciated band in the late 90s - and he has this really mischievous sense of humor, that goes really well with what Pink's doing. He's got a couple of solo albums. Chunky guitars. Tight hooks. Singalong choruses. Witty lyrics. They're basically like everything that was totally great about Rick Springfield in 1981.
I. Love. Rick Springfield.
I still do. And that's part of the reason I love so much of Pink's new album.
What's it called again?
It's called I'm Not Dead.
I'm Not Dead?
Yeah. Funny, huh?
Did people think she was dead?
Well, yeah. A little. After Try This sorta came and went, I think a lot of people wrote her off. Like, that was it. I mean, all those other girls - Britney, Christina, Jessica - they're all sorta washed up by now too, so why not Pink, y'know? But, she's clearly not dead. Her new album pretty much assures anyone listening that she's gonna stick around for awhile whether we like it or not. There's not a single bad track on the disc. It's all hooks galore. It's tight, and tough. Songs like "U + Ur Hand" are-
"U + Ur Hand"?
Yeah.
As in?
Yeah.
Oh my.
It's a great kiss-off song. And there's another called "Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)" that I totally love, because it's like "go away, come back, go away, come back" -
I totally feel that way sometimes. Like I want to have more friends, but at the same time I just want everyone to leave me alone. Sometimes I feel like I just really don't like -
People? In general? I remember that. It comes after awhile. But Pink totally captures that feeling in that song, and it's really fun. It's one of those songs that just has you singing along with it before you've even heard it all the way through.
I love songs like that.
There aren't enough of 'em. But, I mean, the album isn't all funny either. Pink can be really thoughtful and moving sometimes... Like remember the song I was telling you about - the one that brought me here. "Conversations with my 13-Year-Old Self"? I mean, every time I hear it, it just makes me think of you - that time in our life. You need to know that things are difficult right now - I know that, and it's totally okay and normal for you to be angry about stuff.
I hate Mom right now.
I know. And, kiddo, she's not going to change. But trust me, you'll be able to forgive her later on. Same with Dad. There's going to be some big shit going down at American Motors in the next couple years. It's going to devastate us all. It's going to change everything for us, and you're going to spend a lot of time being angry at Dad about it.
What are you talking about?
I can't really get into it now. But things are going to be really tough for awhile. Really ugly. But you need to know that it all gets better. It gets really good, in fact. You'll get married.
I'm never getting married.
You'll have your own family, too.
No way.
And more than that, you'll come to appreciate all those difficult times. Just remember that I'm here for you. Pink's song reminded me of that.
This is weird.
I know, but it's great, isn't it?
So, I have to ask. Does Puerto Rico get statehood?
We always were a geography geek, weren't we? No. Puerto Rico isn't a state. And the Sears Tower isn't the tallest building in the world anymore either. It's the Petronas Towers in Malaysia. Actually, now that I think about it, it might be something else now. Asia's where they're building all the really tall skyscrapers these days. Oh, and uh, speaking of the world's tallest buildings... well, no. Let's not go there.
Where?
Well, you know George Bush?
Yeah.
Well, he's gonna be President after Reagan. And then in 2000, his son, George W. Bush, is going to get elected President as well. And it's gonna suck. I mean, really, really epic, catastrophic shit-hitting-the-fan sorta stuff. And then there's going to be a war.
Dad always says that what the country needs right now is a good war.
Oh my God. I remember that. Well, there's a war on now. In Iraq. And another one in Afghanistan. But the one in Iraq is getting all the press. And it's really ugly stuff. And a lot of that ugliness is centered on President Bush because a lot of people feel that this war was sorta faked into being - that both sides of it were delusional about each other. And thousands of people have died, and people are getting kidnapped and having their heads hacked off, and videos of their killings are being circulated on people's computers, and there just doesn't seem to be any real light at the end of it. It's a mess.
And actually, Pink writes about it on I'm Not Dead in a song called "Dear Mr. President". And she just totally rips the President a new asshole with it. I mean, you can imagine, there have been lots of protest songs.
Right.
But, this one really hits me in the gut, because it sorta meets George Bush eye to eye, person-to-person and tells him off. And it's really smart. And it's got these gorgeous harmonies by these folk singers called the Indigo Girls. (You're gonna love them too.) And it's not just about the war; it's about everything. Did you know that they just outlawed abortions in South Dakota? And the vice president has a gay daughter, but he still supports this agenda to write discrimination against gays into the Constitution.
That's just perverse.
I know. And Pink totally calls them on this stuff. And it's one of the sharpest, most uncompromising things I've ever heard from - y'know - a pop star. Especially in today's context when - well, you don't know this - but right now, everything on the radio is just about cars, and jewelry, and really vapid stuff. "Laffy Taffy". "My Humps".
"Humps"?
Yeah. Lovely lady lumps.
Boobs?
Yeah, and then, here comes Pink with this really from-the-gut, laser-focused, righteous anger-
There's really a song called "My Humps" about "lovely, lady lumps"?
Yeah. And it's everywhere. Like "Rock Me Amadeus."
Eww. Well, no wonder you like Debbie Gibson.
Well, that's just it. Pop music has just gotten that synthetic and stupid, that Pink's new album just seems to re-invigorate everything. I hope it's huge. And the thing is, it really could be.
Cool. I can't wait. Hey, have you seen the video for "Hunting High and Low" yet? Dude! Morten Harket totally turns into an eagle! It's awesome!
- - - - -
BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW:
"I'm Not Dead" by Pink
LaFace / Zomba Records
Released 4/4/06
Executive Producer: Pink
Producers: Billy Mann, Max Martin & Dr. Luke, Butch Walker, Al Clay, Josh Abraham, Pink, Mike Elizondo
54 min.
SONGS: Stupid Girlz - Who Knew - Long Way to Happy - Nobody Knowz - Dear Mr. President - I'm Not Dead - Cuz I Can - Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely) - U + Ur Hand - Runaway - The One That Got Away - I Got Money Now - Conversations with my 13 Year-Old Self
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