Back when I reviewed Paris Hilton's abysmal cd, one person challenged my assertion that it was the worst cd of the year (if not ever). They claimed that Fergie's solo debut deserved that title, so I eventually went to check it out, being the glutton for punishment that I am.

It's bad. It's really bad. I'm hard pressed to find anything good about this cd.

The thing is, where Paris Hilton had a cd that was so bad it was painful, this cd is so bad it's almost hilarious. There are a few moments where I laugh out loud due to Fergie's complete lack of lyric writing ability and cheesy vocals.

So, on to the album.

Countdown (in Spanish) to Fergilicious. This is defined as, "make them boys go crazy". She then asserts that she isn't sleazy, but she is a tease, for no apparent reason than she enjoys teasing boys. Not exactly admirable, either. But, anyway, there's a catchy beat here, which actually isn't terrible to listen to, but it isn't anything earth-shattering. It nice when the beat and melody changes for the bridge, which is a fun moment. Then we learn that she is "T-A-S-T-E-Y" and failed english in high school. Then she gives us a brief rap. I should point out that one of the funniest lines on the album is on this song, I blow kisses that put the boys on rock rock. R to the O to the T to the F to the L!

Clumsy starts out with a beat that throws back to an older song. I have heard that hook somewhere before. Then we get a electronic pop beat. Nothing that really stands out, as Fergie tells us about how she's, Clumsy cause she's falling in love. Wait for it, because the best moment is going to come on the spoken bridge. Here we go, we learn that she finds self-worth in relationships. She manages to sound like the girlfriend from the dark underworld of bad hair and demons. That's about all I have to say about the song, it's pretty blah.

Now, for another silly song, All That I Got (The Make Up Song) We get a slower, sappier beat that's trying to be motivational or inspiring or something. It's catchy, but it's a bad kind of catchy. And the chorus seems kind of silly. Would you love me if I didn't work out/Or I didn't change my natural hair? You're concerned that he'd break up with you because you didn't go to the gym or you liked your natural hair color? I know what she's trying to say, but that I'm sorry, I've never heard it phrased in such a silly way. There's a rap bridge by whatever rap guy from Black Eyed Peas or something is backing her. I hate his voice. I really do. I guess the message is good for the kids, or whatever.

Now for my favorite song on the album, London Bridge. I actually love this song, because it's so utterly horrid that the only reaction to such bad songwriting can be rolling with laughter. I mean, the backing vocals are shouting, "Oh, sh1t!", throughout the whole song as Fergie tells us she wants to make out with whatever guy and that he makes her london bridge want to go down like London. There's a weird metaphor, how can you not laugh? So, the beat is, "generic pop beat with sprinklings of horns". That's about it. Most of the music on this album is plain, so I probably won't be talking a lot about it, but I will try to note as much as I can. The song ends with a guy yelling, "F*** you, b*tches!", which is random and not so mature, and then random studio chatter that's actually kind of amusing, they must be laughing because they recorded such crap.

Pedestal starts with another generic beat and a creepy kid singing about something or other falling down. Which is a nice reference to the previous song, I guess. The song is about people thinking they're better than Fergie. She's in full diva mode, but still her vocals fail to impress me. It's a nondescript performance of a bland song. It goes on much longer than it should.

Voodoo Doll is, um, I don't remember anything about this song. It's more generic than the last one, and isn't catchy at all. It almost sounds like she's trying to affect an accent while she sings and it sounds really horrible. God, this thing is over four minutes long and I have nothing to say about it. *checks out until the song ends*

So, I'm back for, "Glamorous". There's some cheesy synths in the background. This song is apparently about how poor people suck and if you don't have money, she doesn't want anything to do with you, because the only people worth your time are pretty and wealthy. And something about, The flopsy flopsy? What about Mopsy and Cottontail? What's with the stupid vocal effects during the rap bridge? Shut up, stupid rapper guy! So, like every song on this album, the music is repetitious and generic. Fergie should really stop rapping, she doesn't sound good.

Here I Come sounds like something else. Haven't I heard that bassline somewhere? The lyrics here seem to be a response to critics. The best she can do is, "well, hey, people DANCE to my music!". But it's probably best to just ignore the lyrics, since this is one of the few songs where the music is actually kind of fun. Though I'm sure I've heard this somewhere before, it sounds old. Rapper guy is back for another bridge, and he still annoys me.

Velvet opens with another attempt at being slow and sappy. It fares a bit better, though Fergie sounds like she's trying to sound like someone else, I can't quite place it. It's a pretty boring love song. She gets whispery during the chorus, but she still can't sing that well. This one is almost five minutes long. Dang! She goes into diva mode towards the end, which doesn't quite work. Is she getting close to having an orgasm at the end?

Big Girls Don't Cry is a more tolerable song. There's actual acoustic guitars and Fergie sounds her best, which isn't saying much, but I sort of like it. Even the pop beat for the chorus doesn't sound so horrible. She tells a guy that she needs time alone to figure out things and it's time for her to be mature about her life. Tht's a left turn from the rest of the album, but ok. The melody is catchy and I actually don't mind. It's more interesting than other songs, though it's still nothing special and I don't quite believe miss, "I always need to be in a relationship".

Mary Jane Shoes, does this have to do with drugs? The beat is an annoying not-reggae beat, similar to what Paris Hilton did with Stars Are Blind. I guess these shoes were special to her, or something. There's not much to say about this song beside it being irritating and FAR TOO LONG! The song does randomly turns into a pop-punk song towards the end, but it's weird and doesn't work. Especially when it tries to become a jazzy piano jam. No, not buying it, sorry, let's move on.

Losing My Ground sounds like it's going to have a darker beat for a second, which would be cool, but no, it's a big fakeout and it becomes the same generic pop beat with a little guitar thrown over the top of it. Fergie is practically whining her way through the song. She sounds terrible. The melody is alright, I guess I'd like it more with a better singer. I can't make out most of the lyrics, so I don't know what to make of them. The bridge consists of a breakdown that is ok, some strings come in and sound sort of cheesy, but whatever, end, end, end!

One more song, titled, oddly enough, Finally. My thoughts exactly, Fergie. It's....a piano ballad? The music is very stripped down at first, just vocals and piano, then weepy strings come in and it is revealed that this is simply generic, teary piano ballad #2,725,047,862. This song sounds like it belongs in a Disney movie. Eventually it peters out and the album is over.

So, I would not suggest you check out the album unless you fit one of these catagories.

1. You love bad music and are masochistic
2. You enjoy generic pop that pales in comparison to the people who do it well

Recommended: No