Some years ago there was a fast food chain called H. Salt Fish & Chips that claimed that it offered fish that didn't have that fishy taste. I always wondered what the point of that was. After all, if you don't like the taste of fish why would you want to eat it in the first place? It seems my logic wasn't too far off, because the chain eventually went out of business.

Now we have an SUV that doesn't drive like one. At least that's what the X5 is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be the first SUV that drives like a top-notch performance sedan. So who is this for?

Maybe me, if I had more money. My friends in high school were into SUVs before SUVs were cool. But I didn't care for them then, and I still don't. I care too much about nimble, responsive handling. So it should come as no surprise that it has taken me eight months to write my first review of an SUV. It should also come as no surprise that this SUV is the BMW X5, reputed to handle better than any other.

Let's cut to the chase here: I've now driven the X5, and I'm not converted. More than that, I'm not sure who this vehicle is for. It's kind of like fish that doesn't taste like fish...except it does. Just less so. Which wouldn't be so bad, except it's not especially good at being a fish...er...SUV.

I'm not saying the glowing reviews in the mags are all wrong. The X5 does accelerate strongly (same 282 hp V8 that is found in the 540i and 740i), corner solidly with minimal lean (huge 19" wheels with the Sport Package), and brake quickly (big rotors front and rear nestled inside those huge wheels).

Stepping up onto soap box and digressing now...

I cannot overemphasize the value of finally having an SUV that brakes quickly, at least to me. Too often when I'm driving my baby daughter around the car in front of me isn't going fast enough, so I don't go fast enough. So the moron in the big SUV behind me feels that he (it is generally a he) must drive about ten feet behind my bumper to encourage me to speed up. And I thought the advantage of sitting up so high was that you could see what was going on up ahead. "Hey, moron, can't you see that this whole slow-moving line of cars is keeping me from going any faster?" I guess not. Maybe that's because you're too busy talking on the phone? The problem is, most SUVs don't stop well. Too much mass, too little swept area in the braking system (especially when the rears are drums). So one day one's going to do a number into my rear end, since my car can stop much faster than just about any of them. So while I don't see myself buying an X5, I strongly encourage those of you who must have an SUV to buy one.

End vitriolic digression.

Now, as I was saying, this thing has good numbers. So it's just like a 540i wagon, just taller, right? Well, not exactly...

When the mags say this vehicle performs really well, they nearly always qualify such statement with "for an SUV." You see, while the X5 may be the best performing of the bunch, you'd never mistake it for any other BMW. And this isn't just because you're sitting way up there. At least not directly.

The basic problem with the X5 is it may post some very strong numbers, but the sensation behind the wheel is still quite trucky. It feels heavy, in large part because it is. This is a 4900 lb. vehicle. That's a good half ton more than the 540i wagon, which itself is no lightweight. But a 740i is also heavy, and it doesn't feel like this. A 740i feels smaller than it is. An X5 feels larger.

I suspect that this is because the height of the vehicle requires some pretty hefty stabilizer bars in the suspension to minimize leaning in turns. As a result, the X5 rides much worse than a 540i (I drove a 540i wagon right before driving the X5). While the ride is hardly punishing, it lacks the polish of the 540i's. Bumps register quite a bit more sharply. Much of the fluidity present in the suspensions of BMW's sedans is absent here. This could partly be a factor of the Sport Package on the X5 I drove, but you buy a BMW for handling, right?

Beyond the ride quality, the X5 even with the Sport Package doesn't respond as quickly to steering inputs as a 540i. There seems to be a great deal of inertia that must be overcome, both in terms of mechanical bits involved and the sheer mass of the vehicle. As a result, the X5 hesitates a noticeable moment when you ask it to do something. Of course I'm comparing it to the best handling sedans made, but that's what BMW's asking me to do, right?

Worst of all, the X5 bobbles a bit side to side on any but the smoothest surfaces. It's those damn stabilizer bars again, making this thing feel at times as if it's got a live axle. You might say, "Well, all SUVs do that." Well, that's exactly my point: this may be a BMW, but it's still a truck first, and a BMW second.

Now, even with these faults the X5 still performs far better than any SUV I've ever driven, and better than many cars as well. A number of large American sedans cannot handle this well. So this would be a great vehicle if it were only also a good SUV. The problem is, it's not.

It holds people well enough. The front seat is comfy, and visibility for the driver is quite good. The rear seat seems about as roomy as that in a Grand Cherokee, which is to say quite adequate for my 5'9" frame, but you're not going to stretch out back there.

A 540i wagon has about the same amount of interior space for people. But it has an edge in the comfort department, at least when equipped with the comfort seats like the one I drove. These cost a lofty $1200, but they may actually be worth that. The headrests alone might be worth that. One of the things I hate about the Intrigue my wife drives is that when you recline the passenger's seat to nap the headrest is hard and so far forward that it makes my neck sore almost instantly. The BMW comfort seat headrests, in stark contrast, have the plush, soft feel of a fine leather couch. The back of my head has never felt anything better (my wife's lap excepted, of course). These seats also have a backrest that articulates in the middle (the top half of the backrest can be reclined relative to the bottom half) so you can shape the backrest to suit your current driving or passengering mode. Finally, these seats have a lumbar support that is adjustable up and down as well as in and out. Only the last is an option on the X5. So while the X5 is quite comfortable for an SUV, a 540i is better still.

Well, I guess I digressed a bit again. We'll have no more of that, for we're now at the heart of the matter. SUVs are supposedly about being able to carry your stuff around, but the X5 is not capable of carrying much stuff. My eyes tell me there's just not much room behind the rear seat. The official figures confirm this: there is less room back there than in any other mid-sized SUV. A lot less. There's even less cargo room available in an X5 than in the much smaller Toyota RAV4. Even a 540i wagon, though a bit lacking in cargo room compared to other wagons, has substantially more cargo room than the X5.

Finally, this vehicle isn't designed for true off-roading. There is no two-speed transfer case. And no system in this vehicle other than the Hill Descent Control filched from Land Rover is designed for use off the pavement. Of course, few SUVs in this price range ever go off-road anyway, but there drivers at least know they could if they wanted to, that that day they decide to turn their backs on society and head off into the wilderness they can. Well, in an X5 they can't. They're just going to have to keep going to work, which I guess makes sense given the size of the payments on this thing.

BMW is aware of these shortcomings. In an attempt at an end run, they insist that the X5 isn't supposed to be an SUV, it's supposed to be an SAV, for "sport activity vehicle." It's for on-raod performance, not off-road driving (that Hill Descent Control is there "just in case" I guess). Uh-huh. And what purpose is an SAV supposed to serve, seeing as it lacks the on-road performance of a standard wagon? Well, we're about to get to that.

The bottom line: the X5 performs great for a truck, but it still feels quite a bit like a truck, except it can't do truck stuff. So who's it for? Certainly not the same people who buy BMWs because they appreciate the feel of fine-handling machinery. But then not all people buy BMWs for that reason, do they? We all know that some people buy BMWs simply because they're just about the hottest (coolest, phattest, whatever) brand right now. Just like some people buy SUVs because they're the current hot body style. So I guess it just stands to reason that there are quite a few people out there who will buy a BMW SUV because it's cool to the second power, cool squared, even though it doesn't feel like a BMW sedan or function like an SUV.

I can safely say that I'm not one of those people. If I'm going to eat my fish, it might as well taste like fish and do the stuff fish are supposed to do. OTOH, if you are in search of fish without that fishy taste because everyone says you're supposed to eat fish, do I have the vehicle for you...

Reliability

People often email me asking about the reliability of the cars and trucks they are considering. Existing sources of reliability information just aren't helpful enough.

In response, my website, truedelta.com, will more clearly identify what difference it will make if you buy a BMW X5 rather than something else by providing "times in the shop" and "days in the shop" stats (among others). Those who help provide the data--which will require just a few minutes a year--will earn free access to the site's reliability information. To encourage participation, this access will otherwise cost $24.95.

For the details, and to sign up, visit www.truedelta.com.