Over the first half of the 20th century, the mighty British Empire ceded its lands across the globe, relinquishing them to the capable hands of their recently civilized peoples. But alas, the spirit of colonialism is still a strong and noble force in the hearts of myself and many of my countrymen.

The closest we can come today to reclaiming the impassioned fire of English exploration and benevolent domination of the worlds infant civilizations is behind the wheel of a Range Rover. That is why I drove one from the streets of London to the heart of Calcutta. Donning a khaki suit, hat, shorts and suspenders I set out for the former jewel of the British Empire.

After crossing the Chunnel into French lands, my troubles began. But my troubles with the dirty Frenchman were nothing compared to the difficulties I met in the Near East. You can imagine the misunderstandings a man of my disposition had crossing through the rogue nations of the middle east, such as Iraq. I am fortunate that I brought plenty of bloody fine cigars to trade in those lands. The current sanctions have left the country in a tawdry state. Children flocked to the sides of my car begging for bits of food, their parents for antibiotics and toiletries. Many of them angrily threw stones at my Land Rover, but it stood fast through the worst the misguided citizens of Iraq could hurl in my direction. How soon they forget that it was the British that brought civilization to the Fertile Crescent.

I'll spare you the details of the border disputes between myself and the army. Let's just say that while the people's of the middle east may no longer recognize the Queen in flesh, they bow before her in the form of
paper currency.

When I finally arrived in India, I swear that nearly every soul in Calcutta came out to witness the sight, many of them having never seen a Land Rover before. They feasted their eyes on its glory and covered my vehicle with festively adorned monkeys and pagan idols. O' the treatment I received.

England may no longer lay claim to its former lands in government and politics, but we hold onto more than enough economically. Shh, nobody tell them that they can not possibly rise to the ranks of the established western nations in the current economic structure. Nobody tell them that their hopes to live with the quality of life enjoyed by the average Britishman or American are slim to none. No one tell them this, or perhaps my little excursion will not be so fun next time around.