After nearly a decade of perseverance, I’ve recently achieved two major goals in my life. I bought a new car several months ago and just yesterday finally mastered an ancient form of Zen in which I can actually hear objects speaking. Since it was only natural to combine these two events in order to help fellow consumers make a purchasing decision, I decided to tape record last night’s conversation between several of my body parts and my new car. The printed transcript may be of use to you when it’s time for you to buy your next car (or when you discover you’re out of toilet paper- I’ve found that several of my prior reviews were surprisingly absorbent.)

The specific HONDA CIVIC I purchased was the EX 2-door coupe. All features written in bold italics are standard on the EX model. I don’t think you’ll find any other vehicle in this price range with so many of these features as standard equipment. All of my body parts are also standard equipment, but the demand for them isn’t quite as high.

Head: “The other parts decided we’d work our way down from me to Toe. Just ignore the tape recorder- everything we discuss is totally off the record.”

Civic: “Ahh, okay. I suppose you’ll want to start by thanking me for the 36.9 inches of headroom I give you.”

Head: “I realize it’s more than most cars in your size class, but I’m sitting on top of a 6ft 1in body. No offense, but even after taking advantage of your seat height adjustment feature, it’s just not quite enough. When Hard-To-Please takes the time to blow-dry his hair extra puffy, it’s pretty irritating to have you flatten it down when he’s fully erect.”

Civic: “Perhaps if Hard-To-Please stopped trying to be such a Pretty-Boy and driving around fully erect, you wouldn’t be whining about an extra half-inch! Why don’t you just open up my
power moonroof with tilt feature?”

Head: “I must admit it’s pretty darned exhilarating to feel the wind in my hair, but I notice that while Hard-To-Please uses your tilt feature every single day, he only slides the roof fully open on weekends when he’s wearing his ballcap.”

Civic: “Like I said, Pretty-Boy is far too paranoid about his hair to deserve my coolest standard feature. It’s pretty pathetic when someone is so reluctant to have air on their head when they obviously have so much air in their head!”

Head: “Hey- I resent that! Hard-To-Please really put me to work before he chose you. He belongs to Epinions and has developed an unhealthy obsession with doing extensive amounts of consumer research before making a buying decision.”

Civic: “But there’s only two dozen reviews about me on Epinions- don’t tell me he based his decision solely on the word of a handful of people pimping for pennies.”

Head: “Well, don’t tell anyone, but Hard-To-Please actually had me do most of the research outside of Epinions.”

Civic: “(GASP!)”

Head: “He started by buying the 2001 Consumer Reports Car Issue and forcing me to pore over every dull article and confusing chart.”

Civic: “And what did you learn about me?”

Head: “I discovered that you were the Top Pick for Small Car in 2001.”

Civic: “And so your decision was made?”

Head: “Hell, no- he said that wasn’t good enough. He needed more. He made me keep investigating until I determined that you were also the Best in Reliability. Even after I pointed out that Consumer Reports was an unbiased opinion, he insisted on talking to all of his friends who drive your sisters.”

Civic: “They better not have dissed my sisters!”

Head: “To the contrary. Without exception, everyone said their Civics never, ever broke down and can even go 105,000 miles without a tune-up! Not only that, but with a list price under $17,000, the Civic is amazingly affordable. Apparently all of your sisters are incredibly cheap and easy!”

Civic: “Look who’s talking!”

Head: “I know. Not only is Hard-To-Please the King of cheap and easy, he’s almost as paranoid about safety as he is about his hair.”

Civic: “You mean he actually had you do even more research?!”

Head: “Yep. The bastard didn’t make his final decision until I confirmed that the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration and Insurance Institute for Highway Safety both rated you as Top of the Safety List, pointing out your excellent accident avoidance (braking performance, emergency handling) and solid crash protection.”

Civic: “That’ll probably come in real handy the way he drives. He had me up to 100mph within the first week and really puts my front McPherson Strut/rear double wishbone suspension through a workout the way he whips through curves. Not to mention the constant stress placed on my front and rear stabilizer bars. I’m willing to bet my front stabilizer bar has seen more action in two months than his has seen in two years!”

Head: “We won’t get into that- let’s just say he’s very grateful that your power-assisted front disc/rear drum brakes, anti-lock brake system, and dual front airbags were all standard equipment.”

Civic: “Well you’ve certainly proven that a man is totally controlled by his head, but don’t you think it’s time you stopped monopolizing this conversation? I’d really like to spend a few moments with Hard-To-Please’s other body parts.”

Head: “That’s something he doesn’t hear too often. Guess I’ll turn it over to his eyes.”

Eyes: “It’s about time! Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”

Civic: “Let’s get the negative out of the way first.”

Eyes: “OK. Two minor things. The sun visor doesn’t go forward enough for us to see when the traffic light turns green. Even when it’s pushed all the way against the windshield, we can’t see it unless Hard-To-Please goes from fully-erect to half-erect. And since he’s too embarrassed to be seen in public half-erect, we have to rely on his ears to monitor the traffic signal.”

Civic: “His ears?!”

Eyes: “The driver behind him invariably lays on the horn after the light’s been green for 1.3 seconds.”

Civic: “What’s the other complaint?”

Eyes: “Well, he thought he was cool enough to handle an optional rear spoiler ($400), but it’s been pretty stressful on the two of us. Every time we look in the rearview mirror, we think somebody’s riding our @ss and he taps on the brakes. So the feature designed for speed and coolness is actually making us drive like an old man. We’re starting to get used to looking above and below the spoiler in the mirror, but we still think it should be against the law for anyone over 30 to have a spoiler.”

Civic: “Do you at least like my front air spoiler?”

Eyes: “Oh yes- Hard-To-Please is only nervous about objects in his rear- as long as he can use us to see something coming, he can take pretty much anything in the front.”

Civic: “Not that I care, but do you find me attractive?”

Eyes: “God yes- why do you think Hard-To-Please drives around fully erect? Your sleek, smooth black body and perfectly angled lines and curves not only turn us on, but we notice that all the other men look at us with envy. Your 15-inch wheels and tires are the perfect accents for supporting your nimble, graceful body.”

Civic: “You’re so shallow. Don’t you care what I’m like on the inside?”

Eyes: “Don’t jump to conclusions- we’re deep enough to also appreciate the artistic design of your upholstered seats and can’t say enough about the way your dials glow an erotic shade of orange in the dark.”

Civic: “I’m certainly glowing now!”

Ears: “HELLOOO?! Either get a room or stop ignoring us!”

Civic: “Sorry. I figured you two were busy.”

Ears: “At least give us the chance to point out how much we love your anti-theft AM/FM stereo CD player with 6 speakers. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t point out that while the CD player puts out enough volume to make us bleed, the radio only gets loud enough to cause slight discomfort.”

Civic: “I’ll try harder. Anything else?”

Ears: “Yeah. You know that commercial where the dudes can’t hear the girls trying to pick them up at a stoplight because you’re so soundproof? It’s a bit of an exaggeration because we can hear some road noise and the occasional wisecrack about Hard-To-Please’s puffy hair.”

Civic: “I refuse to keep apologizing to you two. Let me speak to the eyes again.”

Eyes: “Don’t let the ears bother you- it’s common knowledge that they are Hard-To-Please’s most unattractive bodypart- have you seen his picture?”

Civic: “I believe before we were interrupted you were telling me what you loved about me.”

Eyes: “Did we mention your map lights and your driver’s and front passenger’s vanity mirrors?”

Civic: “It’s hard not to notice Hard-To-Please constantly using them to check for stray nose and ear hairs!”

Nose: “Did someone say nose?”

Civic: “What’s happen’n’?”

Nose: “You know I like to stick myself into everything and this is no exception. Don’t think I take your
air conditioning w/ micron air-filtration system or clean burning engine for granted. I haven’t felt this good in years!”

Civic: “You’re the first body part to even mention my 1.7 liter, 127-hp VTEC-E engine.”

Nose: “I’m the first body part to notice a lot of things!”

Mouth: “Ahem! I’m sick and tired of the nose taking credit for everything and refuse to participate in such a contrived conversation-- ancient form of Zen, my @ss!”

@ss: “Did someone say @ss?”

Civic: “Can’t we all just get along?”

Arms: “Hey-- we were next in line! Your power rack-and-pinion steering, adjustable steering column, and driver’s armrest all combine to make us feel almost useless. The slightest move we make is met with an immediate and responsive move from you and our triceps are starting to atrophy from lack of exercise.”

Civic: “It wouldn’t exactly hurt Hard-To-Please to take you to a gym every now and then anyway.”

@ss: “Did someone say @ss?”

Head, Eyes, Nose, Mouth, Arms, Civic: “We’ll let you know when we’re ready!!”

Bladder: “You didn’t think I’d stay silent in a Hard-To-Please review, did you? I only have one gripe. When I’m full, you seem to take pleasure in being extra bouncy when flying over speedbumps and railroad tracks. If you wonder why Hard-To-Please is always speeding, it’s because you jostle me around so much that I need to find a gas station pronto. However, I will admit that under normal circumstances, you treat me pretty good with a relatively smooth ride.”

Civic: “Whatever. Freak!”

@ss: “Ready or not- here I come. I just wanted to say that you’re a mixed blessing. Your seats are pure ecstasy to sit in and cup me so firmly, yet tenderly—but…

Civic: “Groan. Bad pun. What’s the ‘but’?”

@ss: “But the fact that you get 31mpg city/38 mpg highway has left me sitting on a painfully large amount of cash in Hard-To-Please’s wallet.”

Civic: “Suffer biitch!”

Finger: “Why do I always have to be so near to the @ss?”

Civic: “Just say your piece.”

Finger: “Well after ten years of not being involved in the driving experience other than the occasional nose-picking and obscene gesture, it’s nice to finally re-gain some power. Between your power windows w/auto-down driver’s window, power door locks, remote entry system, and interior finger-touch trunk and gas hatch release, I finally feel important.”

Civic: “Whatever. I’ll let you get back to the @ss now.”

Legs: “Excuse us, but we take up half of Hard-To-Please’s body, so perhaps you’d care to get our opinion. The 42.5 in. of front legroom you give us is more than adequate and we look forward to stretching out in your 60/40 split fold-down rear seatback w/llock for a little lovemaking session.”

Civic: “Dream on. Freaks!”

Toe: “Why am I always last?”

Civic: “Because you’re a grotesque and pathetic little appendage with no purpose.”

Toe: “Yeah- thanks to your cruise control, I see so little action that my little fungus problem is flaring up again. What the heII am I supposed to do on those long drives?”

Civic: “Now that Hard-To-Please’s finger is preoccupied, perhaps you could entertain his @ss!”
Now all of you get the hellout - this conversation is over! Freaks!

Amount Paid (US$): 17,000
Condition: New
Model Year: 2001
Model and Options: EX