I don’t do a lot of shipping, but I do do a lot of receiving. From UPS alone I receive 40 to 60 large, heavy boxes a week. Because of this, I’ve become acutely aware of how things arrive. When you send something you want it to arrive in pristine condition, in a timely manner, and to the location which you shipped it. This in mind, let me tell you about the Good, the Bad and the Twitchy.

The Good was named Kevin. He was a wonderful driver and we were blessed to have him deliver to us for 4 years every day, twice a day, barring vacations. Kevin handled each package as if it contained heirloom china packed badly by an arthritic and forgetful aunt. Never once, in 4 years did I witness him throw a single package. I work in a bookstore. One can be fairly certain that packages to and from us contain durable items. Didn’t matter. No throwing. His truck was neat and orderly. I have little doubt that if I climbed in his truck to find my stuff, I would find it all easily and it would be secure, not sliding all over the place as he turned corners. There were a few, rare occasions when he would deliver a package to me meant for CompUSA next door or Waldenbooks at the mall. When you’re dropping off 30 boxes of magazines, throwing an extra off the truck isn’t surprising. What is surprising is that it happened so rarely. And when it did happen, he cheerfully corrected the situation. When I saw him on the road, he would smile and wave (somehow spotting me, driving a car he didn’t know.) He was always driving carefully and courteously. Boy, do I miss Kevin.

A year ago there was an upheaval and we got the Bad driver. The Bad driver misdelivered regularly, came at odd times off setting our warehouse routine and was generally strange to be around. I don’t recall the condition of his truck, but he didn’t handle the packages as carefully as I would have liked. He disappeared. We are glad. Boy, were we glad to get Kevin back.

Then there is Twitchy. Twitchy’s truck is a mess. I‘m sure there is a cacophony of crashing boxes every time he rounds a corner. I know that I’ve gotten a greater number of broken and split open boxes during his tenure. He heaves the boxes onto the dock, complaining about how heavy they are whether they actually are or not. He is entertained by watching them slide in the snow (paper products aren’t known to shatter, but they soak up water beautifully.)He misdelivers about every other week and not just magazines, but deliveries for the Hallmark store down the plaza and once something for the upscale supermarket about a block away. I haven’t seen him on the road. I don’t want to. Based on the condition of the inside of his truck I don’t want to share a roadway with him. Boy, do I miss Kevin.

UPS as a whole I haven’t had too many terrible experiences with. Oh, sure once a year or so a box of mine will be delivered a store in Michigan or Texas, but this isn’t a bad thing as it gives me a chance to talk to my counterparts far away. Trying to get call tags out of them so that misdelivered boxes can be returned to the distributor is like teaching a pig to sing. Recently, they tried to "improve" our deliver system. Instead of having one guy stop by twice, there would be a pick up person and a drop off person. Great on paper. In reality we had 5 stops one day and none the next followed by one stop followed by none. Boy, do I miss Kevin.

So, if you're shipping UPS assume your delivery person will be Twitchy. Take pictures of valuables. Package your item like it will be thrown the length of a basketball court onto cold concrete. Label the outside with LARGE, clear letters and numbers. Make offering to the god or gods (or goddesses or all powerful beings) of your choice that you get a good driver. Note your tracking number. Call the recipient on the day the package should arrive and make sure it got there in one piece. If it didn’t arrive begin the search immediately (the longer they have it the worse it will be lost.) If it arrives in pieces, raise heck. Good luck.


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