There's more truth to Telocity's tag line, "You ain't seen nothing yet," than they would like you to know.

I recently cancelled my Telocity DSL account--not that there really was much to cancel besides aggravation. My experience with this sad excuse for an internet service provider (there was no internet, service or providing that I recall) was frustrating to say the least.

It was obvious from the moment I placed my order that this was a bad choice. Somehow I kept plowing forward hoping for the best. It's like when a woman marries an abusive guy. She thinks he's going to change. No matter how nice she tries to be it just gets worse. Telocity will slap you around and not even apologize before it does it again. Well, we all ride down Denial River once or twice.

Before I go into my story (where you will certainly say numerous times, "Dude, why didn't you cancel right at that moment?"), I will tell you I decided early on to turn this into an experiment. I had nothing to lose because I got them to give me a month of free service because they had screwed up so badly. I never did get to use it.


The Need For Speed

DSL stands for Digital Subscriber Lines. It is broadband service. More information transferred faster. It makes your 56k modem look like a hamster wheel. Your connection is (or can be) always on as long as your computer is on. The bonus is you don't need separate lines for your computer and phone. They can share the same line because the DSL signal travels at a higher frequency than voice or fax communications. The DSL signal won't interfere (much) with your phone. If it does, an inexpensive filter you plug into your phone line will eliminate any noise.

Over the last ten years I have had three dial-up ISPs. I started with AOL, soon moved on to a real ISP choosing a local NYC service and national upstart Pipeline. Eventually Pipeline was bought by Atlanta based Mindspring. Mindspring offered solid service and probably the best customer support of any business I've dealt with. Mindspring hosts my domain even though I could have found cheaper deals elsewhere. Mindspring eventually merged with Earthlink.. Since merging with Earthlink I have seen a slight decline overall. They are still head and shoulders above the masses, but it's not like the old days. Way back a few months ago.

I'm frequently transferring large media files and my dial-up 56K just isn't cutting it anymore. I would really like to up/download my files in less than one hour.

The Telocity ad on TV was intriguing. DSL for $49.95 a month with no contract. Yeah, I'm all over that! The thing that sold me was that they would host my site and provide me with 10 MB of storage. On top of that I would get a static IP which would be great if I chose to run a web site or ftp server from my computer. I spend more than that every month for dial-up service (56k), and domain hosting. With Telocity I could get DSL speed, web hosting and the other features in one cheaper, neat little package.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! What a funny idea…


Sales

It takes a minimum of 6 weeks to get up and running with Telocity as they get the local phone company to activate your DSL connection. (Many other ISPs quote turnaround about half the time I later discovered.) From what I have read on DSL Reports they don't have great relationships with the telcos. Plenty of time to decide whether I wanted to go through with the thing.


Never On A Sunday!

I placed my order Sunday, October 8th. My first mistake was to call on a weekend evening.
Q: Who works on the weekend in the evening in the sales department?
A: The Skeleton Crew. More accurately, the company newbies who:
a: have virtually no experience.
and
b: have no seniority and work when no one else wants to (like Christmas and weekend nights).

"Tonya" (her name has been changed) was my first introduction to the Telocity farce. I'm not sure if she even knew why she was there or where she was. It appeared she just stumbled upon the right things to say to sound coherent when answering my call. It was clear her training was suspect at best.

I had done my research on Telocity's web site and found I could get DSL service from them. I told her I had done this via the Telocity site. Tonya insisted on going through the process. When she was done she enthusiastically responded, "Congratulations! You qualify to connect to Telocity where you can surf the internet at eye-popping speed."

Who are these people that believe "eye popping" is a good thing? I have never considered popping body parts a good thing. It's even worse when the people obviously don't believe it themselves because they are clearly reading a script.

As she got me started on my trip into hell, I asked a simple question about the domain hosting: How many email aliases will I be allowed with this account? In non-geek terms how many email addresses can I create for my domain brucecaines.com which will be forwarded to the 5 mailboxes provided by Telocity?

Her answer had nothing to do with my question. "Uh…I'm sure you can have plenty with your 10 megs of storage space." That's like you asking me, "Do you know today's date?" My reply: "It must be the 28th because I'm six foot five." Note: Any time you ask someone a question and they answer, "I'm sure you can…," they are not sure of anything.

She never did answer my question.

And she didn't get my order right either. After a tedious information intake I was informed that my DSL gateway/modem (which is provided by Telocity) and the software would be shipped to me via two day air as soon as my telco activated the DSL service and the routing was set up. A one time fee of $49.00.

Ten minutes later Tonya leaves a message on my answering machine. There is a problem with my order. Something wrong with my credit card. "Please call me at extension blah, blah, blah to straighten this out."

Tonya was a bit dim so when "Sally" answered I spoke with her neglecting to give her Tonya's extension. She couldn't find my order anywhere in the system. Eventually she located it in some place that would have kept me waiting until my 95th birthday for my connection to be activated had I not called. Apparently there was some credit card problem. I repeated my card info to "Sally" bid her a fond farewell and thought that was it.

Sally calls at two hours later around 12:00 AM and leaves a message on my machine that she lost my credit card number in the system and just about everything else. Can we do this again….?


Over the next four days I could find no one at Telocity who could answer my question. Not the tech support supervisor, not the sales supervisor. The sales supervisor could not have been less interested in helping me. She didn't even understand how the domain hosting worked. ("It's new for us.") When I suggested I should cancel my order she was nonplussed and all but told me not to let the door hit me in the ass. As she tried to transfer me to someone who could cancel my order she disconnected me. I called back to cancel. The rep that had just answered my last call and switched me to the supervisor happened to answer my call again. He had been listening in on my call and said he was amazed at how badly the supervisor handled it. He answered all my questions and as an incentive to give them another try offered me a free month of service. Wow, someone with a brain? I cautiously took the offer, not realizing I was prolonging the agony.


Do You Like To Watch Paint Dry?

DSL may mean high speed, efficient internet access, but those words mean little to Telocity tech support. The support department makes the sales folks look good. My DSL gateway arrived seven weeks later. The Telocity modem is gargantuan. So large in fact, there is a wall mount option in its design. I connected it a couple of days later after purchasing and installing an Ethernet card for my computer. This whole process took about 20-25 minutes.

I excitedly hooked up the gateway, fired it up and watched the lights, which would cue me that all was cool with my connection and I simply had to install the software. Soon I would be cruising along the information superhighway in the Diamond Lane, passing all the other folks with their 28.8 and 56k Model T modems!

Excitus Interuptus. The lights didn't do what they were supposed to. After going through the assorted trouble shooting procedures prescribed in the manual with no results, I called support.

I was greeted with a recording telling me they are experiencing high call volume. There were outages in New York. Great. But where in New York? It's a big state. (I live in NYC.) A support guy comes on the line after a fifteen minutes hold time. I explain to him my dilemma. He sleepily says, "You realize we have outages in New York?" Yeah-but for where? Does it affect my area?

Sleepily: "Yeah. Maybe you should try tomorrow." Welcome to Telocity.

The next day the recording is still on. I don't wait to talk to support. By the end of the day I call and am simply greeted by the message "we are experiencing high call volume…"

Twenty-five minutes of bad Muzak later, I speak to a support person who has me go through the same trouble shooting routine outlined in the manual despite me saying I've just done all these things while on hold. Nine times.

"Joe" doesn't know what the problem is but it should be taken care of within five days. "Five days" is the standard answer for everything involving Telocity support. This doesn't mean it will be resolved in five days. That's when it makes its way through the queue and someone will look at it! Then the clock starts on fixing it.


Don't Call Us…

After three or four days I called to check the status on my service. What a surprise: "We are experiencing high call volume..."

"How bad is it?" I want to know. Drone-like response: "It will take (the balance of five days)."

At the end of five days there is no change and no information. I have no idea what, if anything is going on. I call and wait on hold for 35 minutes. (A pre-recorded voice chanted the Telocity mantra: "We are experiencing high call volume...") The support guy finally answers and is clueless. I ask to speak to a supervisor. I am put on hold for 25 minutes more. ("Maybe he'll go away.") I don't. I have officially lost my patience and let the supervisor know that when he gets on the line.

When I explain to him I am frustrated because no one even says, "We have contacted the phone company to find out what the problem is on their end," he tells me if I don't want to be frustrated then I should not call back until after five days.

Let's just say it was a good thing the guy was on the other end of a telephone and not, say, three feet away.

I informed him that I was hoping to use Telocity for my home office but there was no way I could do business with a company that operated this way. Let alone spoke to their customers this way. No one would do business with me if I treated my clients that way. He then reminded me this was not a business account. Meaning?? So I can assume, I replied, that residential accounts hold less value to Telocity and their customers should expect substandard treatment?

Much backpedaling.

After a somewhat heated yet barely civilized exchange, he realized all I was trying to get was a status report. He apologized and then told me what was going on. Too late dude. Besides, they were far from pro-active in resolving the problem.

It is now December 20th. Remember, I started this October 8th. Experiment over.


Welcome to the Hotel California

Canceling an account with Telocity is no easier than getting service. "We are experiencing high call volume..." Thirty-five minutes on hold before speaking to someone in the billing department. They had the nerve to suggest they would charge be for shipping the modem/paperweight to me. I don't think so. I called American Express to ask them to deny any charges by Telocity. The agent from Amex said he has had numerous calls regarding Telocity over the last several months. Oddly, it will take them five weeks to send a RMA ticket to have UPS pick up the modem. They say they are very backed up with returns.

I wonder why that is...?

Of course I had to call them again because they did not remember to send me the Disconnect Authorization email. I decided to have Mindspring/Earthlink connect my DSL service. The folks at Mindspring/Earthlink were nothing but professional and courteous. You get what you pay for. They told me I would be connected in about a week and a half. But after I thought all was settled they send me a notice that Telocity has not released my DSL line, therefor holding up the Earthlink connection.

Fortunately, Earthlink will act as an intermediary. Thank God. I don't think I could handle any more bad Muzak. Got any enemies who need internet an connection?

You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave…




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