Illegitimis non carborundum*
Written: Dec 31 '01 (Updated Jan 06 '02)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: *Pseudo-Latin meaning: Don't let the bastards grind you down
Cons: Adelphia, you bastards, I won't let you grind me down!
The Bottom Line: Illegitimis non carborundum was the motto of Nixon's "Order of the Hound's Tooth" a club he created after lying about illegal funding by broadcasting the "Checkers" speech in 1952.
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| Fez_Monkey's Full Review: Adelphia |
NOTE: This letter was actually mailed to both the President & CEO of Adelphia, as well as the Western Regional Vice President, and the local branch office on 2 January 2002.
John Rigas, President
Adelphia Media Services
One North Main
Coudersport, PA 16915
Dear Mr. Rigas, and all you Adelphia Cable Service Provider Guys,
First off, please allow me to wish each and every one of you a very happy 2002 - from the lowliest scrub in the mailroom to the highest ranking poobah in the corporate offices. I would also like to give you my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for finally showing me how shít-all stupid I have been for sticking with you for all these years.
See, this latest scheme of yours - your most recent channel re-alignment & programming restructuring - slapped me with the cold reality of a bullet in the back of the skull. The reality that yours is one of the worst services available, and that my own damned inertia prevented me from kicking you out of my bed years ago, and cost me hundreds of dollars in the process. Yep, much like bedding down with a familiar but diseased wh*re, my relationship with you was one of convenience that has left me with gaping sores and some serious jock-itch.
Now that that's done, let me tell you that you will have to carry on in this coming year (and likely all future years) without me as one of your deeply gouged victims. That's right, I quit. From here on out, I will no longer be either requiring or desiring your services. Yep, I am kicking you to the proverbial curb, Adelphia. It's over between us, and unlike the standard pabulum I usually offer in breakups, this time it's not me, it is most definitely you. I am freeing myself of the shackles you have placed on me, and moving on. Free at last, free at last!
Why, you may ask. Why would a loyal (and more important, paying) customer of more than 5 years suddenly decide to up and leave? I'm glad you asked, because I would be more than happy to give you my reasons. The only difficulty I have is in deciding where to start, and in avoiding too much profanity. Or is it a bit late to worry about that sort of decorum now?
So, allow me to begin. The first reason I have finally decided to emancipate myself from your servitude is the fact that you continue to extract such a ridiculous and unjustifiable charge from me for the incredibly shrinking services you provide. The latest channel rearranging and replacement scam was the absolute last straw. In your incessant desire to bleed your customers more efficiently by forcing them to switch to the digital cable subscription (and it's accompanying elevated monthly charge), you seem bent on removing desirable channels, one at a time, until regular cable service is riddled with little more than a slew of shopping channels, and the occasional women's oriented rape/incest/adultery/revenge movie channel (i.e. Lifetime). The first time you pulled this stunt you removed Sundance and The International Channel from the lineup. This time, both IFC and ESPN2 seem to have vanished, only to be replaced by Style and House & Garden. Yeah, that's what I need, another channel dedicated to fashion models and the men of questionable sexual orientation who fawn over them. Sure, I guess I could enjoy IFC and ESPN2 once again by upgrading to digital cable, but what, exactly, am I paying my current $45 per month for? The privilege of accessing three more shopping channels, the Redneck channel (complete with 8 hours of wrestling per day!), a few more Gyno channels, and more interior design stations giving me helpful hints on how to viciously rearrange my personal environment?
Next there is the matter of your technical service and expertise. For some reason, these past years in your warm embrace has included some static - literally. Of the nearly 60 channels available to me, easily 20 of them now have pictures that are so riddled with snow, lines, ghosting and fuzzy resolution as to be virtually unwatchable. Coincidentally (or maybe not) these channels tended to be among those that I would have enjoyed most, such as Comedy Central. And also coincidentally (or maybe not), the degree and extent of the problem has been increasing over the past few months. Several attempts by your service personnel to rectify the problem have been unsuccessful, with one exasperated (and brutally honest) cable repair guy actually saying that the problem could not be solved, as it was either "from the source" (i.e. you), or that it was the fact that there were some people in the apartment complex who were subscribers to your high-speed cable modem internet connection. Regardless, the end result is that I can't enjoy nearly 1/3 of the channels I pay for, meaning I am píssing away that portion of my monthly service charge - approximately $15, or $180 per year.
Now the conspiracist in me would start to think that maybe this poor reception was intentional on your part, and part-and-parcel with the removal of desired channels as essentially an underhanded ploy to force subscribers into the more lucrative digital cable service. But you wouldn't be that deceitful, would you? I mean, you are headed by a fine, moral, upright Christian who would never resort to illegal tactics to maximize profits, right?
Yeah sure. And that brings me to the final reason I have decided that you and I are no longer a good match: the fact that your religious zeal has infected your business practice. See, I am uneasy with the fact that your company's business philosophy and actions borrows so heavily from repressive Christian theology. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with any of your personal religious beliefs. Far from it. But my unease stems from the fact that you have let religion dictate your business decisions to the point where your company censures and prohibits certain programming because it may violate your values, robbing me (and other customers) of my (their) right to make a choice based on my (their) values. To be specific, your choice to not allow any adult programming on your system. While other cable services allow the subscribers the choice to accept or refuse channels like Spice or Playboy, Adelphia does not, in effect telling us that you seem to know better than we do what is proper for us, and what is not. Even worse is your censorship of the Public Access channels, where you refuse to allow individuals within the community to express themselves in manners that you deem unfit (despite the specifically stated purpose of Public Access channels as being an open and unregulated space).
You don't know what I mean? Well, let me please jog your memory by referring you to the small brouhaha you had a couple of years back with a local skank named Dr. Susan Block. To be brief, Dr. Block is a local SoCal skeezer who likes to get naked and talk about masturbation and casual sex while nude nyphettes would wriggle and pose in the backgrond. Granted, she was a disgusting slag and made me feel the need for both a stiff drink and a shower, but she had evidently been broadcasting her Public Access program for quite a while under the cover of Continental Cablevision (which also provided several adult channels), without event or complaint until you bought Continental out and, in your wisdom and paternalism, began filtering our programming. Now, I personally would not choose to view either Playboy or Spice, and I did not watch Dr. Block's programming on Public Access, but your National Socialist policy of not even allowing them to be available to those who would like to view them is simply disgusting. And please, spare me the tired old refrain of "as a business we have the right to make choices regardless of how some customers may feel," or the always nauseating "it was a purely economic choice based on revenue and potential cost." Bullshít. Your choice was based entirely upon your Christian convictions and your disdain for the public, and nothing else. That is just not cool.
So, thank you, Adelphia, but no. I have had enough or you, your gouging, your sneaky practices, and your self-appointed moral guradianism, and have contacted my local Satellite dish provider. For the comparatively low-low price of $30 per month, I will again be able to enjoy the services you once provided, plus a significant amount more. With better service and much sharper pictures. And with real choice.
Anyway, good luck in 2002 and beyond. I am of the opinion that you will soon find that I am not the exception, and that more and more of us will wake up one morning, look at you, and decide that you are an ugly, mean-spirited troll, and that we just don't want to pay your extortion any more. So, goodbye for good, Adelphia. Try not to let the door smack you in the asš as you leave.
Cheers!
Recommended:
No
Amount Paid (US$): 45/month
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Epinions.com ID:
Fez_Monkey
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Fez Monkey
Location: Somewhere west of Ellay, near a beach
Reviews written: 110
Trusted by: 138 members
About Me:
Me? I'm just a lawnmower, you can tell me by the way I walk.
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