Fantastic Four (DVD, 2009, Widescreen; Movie Cash) Reviews
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Fantastic Four (DVD, 2009, Widescreen; Movie Cash)

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Fantastic Bore (2005)

Jul 9, 2005 (Updated Jul 9, 2005)
Review by  
Rated a Very Helpful Review

Pros:Some cool special effects.

Cons:I couldn't have possibly cared less what happened.

The Bottom Line: Fantastic Four has come and gone, as have another ten buckeroos.


I've seen some pretty pointless action movies in my time, but this one really takes the cake.

Fantastic Four is the latest of the "Marvel Movies", of course Marvel being the publisher of all the old comic books that are being brought back to life as of late. And it is easily cemented right at the bottom of the totem pole as we speak. Even Daredevil was nowhere near as abysmal.

Fantastic Four tells the tale of four completely boring astronauts who fly out into space to study an incoming cosmic phenomenon, only to find that Super Chevy Nova is arriving a few hours early. Short story shorter, it changes their DNA and gives them super powers.

Just so you don't get confused as I did, there are indeed five astronauts who are affected by Super Chevy Nova and given superpowers. Leave it to me to not realize until halfway in that one of them was going to be the villain, and that's why we weren't watching Fantastic Five.

Anyways, they come back to Earth and have some personal quibbles -- Johnny's lookin' for a girlfriend, hopefully a nurse, Ben is anxious to get back to his wife Deb, and Reed is jealous of his ex-girlfriend Sue having feelings for none other than Victor Von Doom. As all this is happening, the powers gradually start to come out, and our heroes gradually learn to take advantage of them.

For what little it can be said that the story centers on any one character, that character would be Ben, who upon DNA transformation becomes The Thing. Now I'll admit, his side of the story actually is touching at moments. Ben is really the only character in the movie that warrants any true feelings of sympathy, and Michael Chiklis delivers a good performance.

As for the others, man, I don't even know where to start. It's like I can't remember a single thing that happened other than Reed attempting to rekindle his past romance with Sue, and Johnny Storm (a.k.a. "The Human Torch") going out to have fun with his newfound fame. The biggest problem is that our four heroes spend more time fighting each other than they do anyone/anything else. It's almost like a bad day at high school.

You wanna talk about striking similarities to certain other action films, especially recent ones? If I told you, while you were in a Marvel state of mind, to picture policemen pointing their guns at the hero you'd probably think of Spider-Man, right? Or if I told you to picture someone stretching their arms to monumental lengths to rescue someone else, chances are you'd think of Helen on The Incredibles, no? Maybe I could even bring up the scenario of guy kissing girl, but only being able to see her muddled outline, and I'm betting you can see it now -- Ben Assfleck and Jennifer Garner standing in the rain in Daredevil. I guess a fourth example would make this paragraph a bit excessive, wouldn't it. Sides, I haven't thought of one yet. (But this dude knows a few more!)

Watching Fantastic Four, you can't help but feel like everything you see, you've seen before. Aside from the aforementioned Michael Chiklis, there really are no performances here that even make a dent in my psyche. Jessica Alba and Ioan Gruffudd are so fake, it would bring you to tears of laughter. But, as always seems to be the case in such circumstances, it's because they had jack squat to work with. Most television shows can match or surpass this wit in half the time.

Sorry to say it, but Fantastic Four was a fantastic bore. If you insist on seeing it anyway, here's a tip: buy a box of Milk Duds, get one free.




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