The wine steward approaches and offers the bottle for my approval. Sniffing the screw-top I swirl the offering in my glass, noting the sugary room-deodorizer bouquet and surreal color. No bite as the concoction passes my lips, only cold wetness and a pancreas-numbing jolt of sugar. "Ah, " I state with assurance, "Strawberry Daiquiri Boones Farm-the perfect wine for a fine bologna sandwich dining experience!"

Boone's Farm is a sort of rite of passage for youth in this country-booze with training wheels so to speak. Squatting proudly on shelves with wine coolers and Zima and all their ilk, Boones Farm is cheap, available and enough like Kool-Aid with just a soupcon of alcohol to ease the transition from tee-totaller to gutter-crawling drunk-er sophisticated adult drinker. Alcohol is usually quite low- about 9% to 16% varying with flavor. It is of course enough for a buzz when consumed in sufficient quantities, and it usually is. For the underage drinker, you risk the scorn of the wino you send into the convenience store to make your purchase- even an MD 20/20 drinker needs someone to look down on.

Billed as an apple-based wine, Boone's Farm is more like a sweetened, fruit-flavored weak hard cider. Added flavors mask most of the apple flavor and essential all of the alcohol taste-dangerous for the unaware.This stuff is a very real risk for small children, like all alcoholic beverages, keep out of reach. Little ones may drain the bottoms of nearly empty glasses if unwatched, and they may like these sugary fruit flavors, Small amounts of alcohol can be toxic to small bodies, so be cautious if you g=have this around. Like most all alcoholic beverages, Boone's Farm is also a bad choice to rehydrate after sports- alcohol is a diuretic, and much of the fluid will rapidly be lost through the kidneys. The high sugar content may cause upset stomach as well- if the flavor alone does not.

I personally like sweet wines a tad better than dry, but the cloying sweetness of Boone's Farm has no appeal; neither does the artificial flavor- much of it may come from fruit, but it does not taste real.Boone's Farm sells very well-indication that Americans either have (a) no taste, (b) no Money, or (c) no sense of shame. There are worse tasting things to drink-clam juice comes to mind-but so many better ones that Boone's Farm's popularity is a mystery. So is The Jerry Springer Show, wrestling, and party politics, but at least I don't have to drink them. Why not a nice fruit drink and a shot of vodka-cost probably? Convenience is another issue, and as a people we often choose convenience over quality.

Boone's Farm is unquestionably an entry-level alcoholic beverage, with all the negative potential that entails. The low level of alcohol may mislead some into believing there is no alcohol with dangerous outcome. Parents should be aware of the risks of this seemingly innocuous drink-it is booze.

If you must drink Boone's Farm, drink it very cold to minimize the sweetness a bit. ( In fact, freeze it into popsicles-no, no that's mean-spirited...) Remember that there is alcohol and the cumulative effect of a bottle or two is substantial. And consider trying something else- your palate will thank you. Don't judge the flavor of the real strawberry daiquiri by this product, either-try the real thing. And if you see Carrie Nation with her temperance ladies-steer her to a more significant beverage.

Next- a negligee, candlelight, fresh flowers, and a bottle of Boone's Farm Best of the Harvest chilling in a silver ice bucket, and other nightmares I have.




Recommended: No