flash-hammer's Full Review: Duke Nukem Land Of Babes for PlayStation 1
At one point in time, Duke Nukem was regarded as one of the hottest properties in gaming. Duke had his own Action Figure line, and at one point there was even talk of a movie based on him. When you think about it, the series came a long, long way from it’s roots in 2D Side Scrolling Shoot ‘em Ups back in the early 1990s. Those 2 titles were amusing enough little games, but never really did much to stand out from the crowd, and their PC-exclusive status left them out in the cold from the then heating-up console market. It wasn’t until 1996, after Doom had put the First Person Shooter (or FPS) that the Duke really became character known and loved by teenage boys the World over. Duke Nukem 3D may have been far from the most advanced FPS to emerge to try and steal Doom‘s crown, however it made up for this by injecting something not seen before to the genre: Humour. Granted we’re talking lowest of the low, crude, toilet humour, however it sheer in-your-face un-PC nature and solid engine made it a huge hit, and I’m not going to claim I didn’t love it. 3D made it’s way to the 3 consoles of the time, the Sega Saturn, Sony PlayStation and Nintendo 64. 3D Realms, the company behind Duke, began work on a sequel to 3D, titled Duke Nukem: Forever. Forever has went on to become a thing of gaming legend, having been in development for about a decade now. However, as Forever‘s postponements became more and more regular, 3D Realms apparently got worried gamers would forget about Duke and started pushing him out into other games. First came Time To Kill, a PlayStation release that saw Duke inserted into a Tomb Raider-clone, but proved successful enough to warrant a sequel in 2000’s Land of the Babes.
As with Time To Kill, Land of the Babes resembles a Lara Croft adventure than what the Duke is best known for, something the game itself even acknowledges in one of it’s secret areas. With that said, the game puts more focus on blasting than any of Ms. Croft’s little adventures, but it still clogs itself up with too many jumping puzzles and switch presses. Duke himself appears disgusted by this and even quips “I’m an ass kicker not a switch flipper!” You see, there’s no single technical factor that’s awful that makes the game as detestable as it is, it’s the game’s complete lack of soul. It’s just so generic, purpose-less and without any sense of enjoyment you wonder why they bothered. There are 14 stages to the game, all of follow the same pattern, wander around, shoot some enemies solve a painfully easy, yet at the same time laborious puzzle. There is nothing here you haven’t seen before, and better. The same tired underwater stages, the same ’Strip Bars’ that look more like Hotel Lobbys, the same cities under siege. This came out after the release of the PS2, which meant Sony was especially lax when it came to allowing any old crap to be released on the original PlayStation.
The basic workings of it should, in theory, work. You have a Fire/Action button, a jump, a Draw/Holster Weapon Button, which when held down also activates inventory items like Night-Vision goggles or jet pack and a quick 180 turn on your face buttons. L2 and R2 strafe, L1 Locks On to enemies and R2 allows you to zoom in for precision aiming. To be honest, the latter 2 are the only that pose any problems in terms of execution, with Lock-On not always doing it’s job properly and Precision aiming, which takes an almost First-Person view, is ruined by a translucent Duke figure obscuring it. The ideological offender is the fact that there is actually a button to put your gun away in a Duke Nukem game, and you’ll find yourself using it a whole lot as you solve jumping puzzles and so on. Actually that is a complaint, the game’s jumping system is woeful. Duke hops around in a fashion almost as uninterested as the player, and trying to jump with any precision is a pipe-dream in this game.
What’s worse is the game doesn’t even manage to truly capture a lot of the charm and character that got people interested in the character in the first place. I mean Duke still spits out his corny one-liners ripped from Bruce Campbell, Roddy Piper and so on, along with some of the most horrifically cheesy double-entendres ever, some of which actually end up hilarious because they are so bad, but it just seems so diluted and overdone now. Amusingly, despite it’s title, this game also actually cuts down on the nudity and adult element, double entendres and cringe-inducing ending aside. Even the weapons and enemies do nothing to excite the player, your standard arsenal of pistols, lasers, shotguns and rocket launchers with once-unique Duke staples the Freeze-Thrower and Shrinker thrown in, just to try and remind you the game is part of the franchise. Enemies are similarly lacking, with only the Octabrain and Pig Cops recurring, their fellow alien ranks made up by Gun-toting Simians led by what is referenced as a Gorilla, but looks more like a Boar. The last boss is similarly uninspiring, a stupid green alien in flying tank thing.
Speaking of the enemies, I suppose I should at least fill you in on exactly why Duke is back in action. Apparently in the far-flung future Earth is invaded by evil aliens led by General Silverback, who have brought about the extinction of men and enslaved the women, with only the Babe Resistance offering any fight. These ladies manage to hook up a time machine and bring forward the only man for the job, Duke Nukem, to take down the alien scumbags and single-handedly re-populate the future.
While it adds a little more depth than 3D‘s ‘Alien Invasion’ plot, the manner in which it’s done just stinks of how tired the series has become. “Hey we’ll just stick Babes in the title and make them a more prominent part of the plot and everyone will love it” is how I imagine the thought process behind this went.
The thought of a game laden with ‘Babes’ isn’t a particularly offensive one, I mean look at how successful Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball was, but the key difference is that in Tecmo’s game, the women weren’t blocky monstrosities. Ok that is perhaps a wee bit harsh, the main woman, Jane, and Duke look decent. No better than decent mind, but everything else looks awful. From the grainy, boring levels to the blocky to the point it’s almost impossible to tell what they actually are enemies, it’s a unanimous turkey.
The sound is the one aspect that tries to hold things up. Duke’s trademark voice is here for his quips, which is really about the only thing to distinguish this from PlayStation Adventure Game #242321312, and the trademark cheesy rock theme turn is present at the main menu, and similar tracks litter the soundtrack.
It’s worth noting that there is a 2-Player ‘Duke match’ (that’s Deathmatch to you and me) mode, but Deathmatches aren’t much fun when restricted to 2 players, and I wouldn’t ask anyone I know to try and sit through this, so I can’t say I’ve tried it out. I’d imagine it’s quite competent, if unspectacular, as with all console ‘Dukematch’ modes.
When all is said and done, Land of the Babes is a Duke Nukem title that’s been somewhat forgotten by gamers, and to be honest, that’s probably for the best. It’s one flogging of the dead horse too many, and if Forever ever does appear, it’s going to have to put in one hell of a show to wash the taste of this out of my mouth.
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