PRELUDE TO WARNING: The "equator" is a piece of junk. Do not buy one unless you like to be frustrated. There, that is all you really need to know.

WARNING: YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY THIS REVIEW!
Stop reading here if you are offended by metaphors which pertain to suicide, prostitution, mental illness, alchoholism, and sociological economic situations.


THE REVIEW:

In Monty Python and the Holy Grail they are faced with the dreaded guardian rabbit of Caerbannog, which nearly kills everyone...prompting King Arthur and his knights to run around screaming: "RUN AWAY.. RUN AWAY!"
That is what you should do if you ever come face to face with this useless boat anchor "clothes washing" equipment in a dark ally. It is without a doubt the biggest piece of "expletive deleted" that I have ever had the displeasure of being near. And that is saying a lot, as I am an appliance repairman by trade. No, not quite the Maytag Man, I fix commercial refrigeration and kitchen equipment, so I feel that I am qualified to discuss the in's and out's a bit better than most.

I purchased this a little over a year ago from AJ Madison. ( a smooth transaction). It arrived and I installed it, (easy to do). I was excited as I had always wanted a "clothes processor", as they are predominant in Europe, and are known for their energy efficiency.

The first load was dreamy, watching the suds swirl around, listening to things clicking and whirring.

And then... the spin cycle.

I felt a little silly standing in my kitchen, watching things fall off the walls, pots and pans swinging on the pot rack, and having cats dashing out of the kitchen as though it were on fire. The noise was incredible, and the entire room was shaking. (granted, I live in a nearly 200 year old new england cape, where if you set a marble on the floor in winter, it will roll around unaided until July...)

I sort of fixed this problem by adding another jack post in the basement beneath it, and by setting the microwave on top of it, but it is still noisy, and walks around a bit. (Yes, it is level.)

Once we decided that the coolness factor outweighed the noise, we enjoyed it.

Except for the fact that:

1. It does not in fact "dry" anything, unless the load is smaller or equal to the size of exactly 2 face-cloths.

2. It is not energy efficient. Our electricity bill did not budge, until we decided to bypass the "Dryer" option and use "the old one in the breeze-way".

3.The loads are small, but that is more of a lifestyle change.. (I eat because I am fat, and I am fat because I eat...)

4. The cycle time equals exactly 1.3681 ice ages. Seriously, I watched a glacier recede past my house before a load finished.

5. Did I mention that it vibrates, and is loud?

6. OH YEAH, it breaks down a lot too.

First it was a smoked drive motor. Not a problem for me, more of a nuisance, as I can call and get parts, considering that I do what I do. The factory spoke candidly with me as I am a service guy. They told me that they were going to discontinue this line as they have had SO many problems. I got the parts after a few weeks.. that's right, WEEKS. I changed the motor out and we were back up and running. However, why did they send me two replacement motors. Hmmm a premonition?

Yes, in fact it was... After only 3 more months, the unit had started once again with the clicky, twisty knob of death. (The error indicator). I pulled the back off the unit, and started the diagnosis again...

The diagnosis was easy, it's broken again... and even though I can fix it,

I don't want to.

I want to take it out to my backyard, tie it to a tree, and then invite the neighborhood kids over to call it names and throw rocks at it.
I want it to get pregnant, and live in a van, under the bridge, down by the river.
I want it to spend all of it's money on smokes, and loosing lottery tickets so that it has no money for food, forcing it to hang out at the truck stop, "renting" itself out by the hour.
I want it to become an alcoholic, who's illiterate kids resent it.
I want it to one day become so depressed that it will attempt to end it all by sitting in the back seat of a running car inside of a closed garage; only to be embarrassingly found by it's kids, who shamefully put it in a "home".

It will be heavily medicated and tied down to a wheelchair which is placed by a window so that it can look longingly outside, for the rest of it's natural days.

Tomorrow, we get our new Bosch.


MY RESPONCE TO PEOPLE WHO IGNORED MY WARNING AT THE BEGINNING:

IF YOU HAVE BEEN OFFENDED BY MY PERSONAL "FANTASY" ABOVE, I APOLOGIZE. I STATED IT IN THIS WAY SO THAT YOU MIGHT FULLY UNDERSTAND HOW STRONGLY I FEEL ABOUT MY PERSONAL EXERCISE IN WAISTING MY MONEY AND TIME. METAPHORS ARE POWERFUL AND WONDEROUS TOOLS WRITERS USE TO CONVEY A POINT. UNFORTUNATELY, PEOPLE TEND NOT TO USE THEM ANYMORE.

IF YOU ARE STILL OFFENDED AFTER MY APOLOGY FOR OFFENDING YOU (which was preceded with a warning), THEN I AM SORRY FOR THE OFFENSE, AND YOU SHOULD READ MORE LITERATURE. IF I HAVE OFFENDED YOU BY CLAIMING THAT YOU DON'T READ ENOUGH LITERATURE, I APOLOGIZE.

If you are offended by ART, it means that you are not paying enough attention to the world around you.

Recommended: No

Amount Paid (US$): 900