So, one day something arrives in the mail at the house in which I live. And this something is an issue of Cosmo Girl. Nobody knew why it arrived, but my sister was the first one to get at it and she put dibs on the Josh Hartnett stickers before me. Drat it all! The disappointment almost killed me…

Underneath the snazzy title that says Cosmo in big block white letters and girl in cursive pink letters with an exclamation point, in small print it says a cool new magazine for teens…yeah, we’ll see about that. The issue that I currently have in front of me is the Sexiest Guys in the World Issue and there’s a picture of Freddie Prinze Jr on the cover. My mouth is already watering….or not. According to the cover this magazine is going to tell me four ways to have fun in school and how to make my crush like me in that way. Already this magazine is a life saver for me. I didn’t know how to have fun in school prior to reading or how to make my crush like me in that way.

After paging through fifty make-up and name brand clothing ads, I finally find an article by somebody named Atoosa. She must be the editor of the mag. It caught my attention because the first words of the article were in big bold letters stating I’m weird. I’m weird, too, so naturally I was interested. But then she was going on and on about how there’s no reason for us to be anything but ourselves. Barf, blech, boring. Yeah, it’s an important message, but it’s been overused in every single teen magazine on the planet.

Then there’s the letters to the editor page. I like so totally loved your article about Blink 182! After listening to their music on MTV I turned into a total punk girl! and the standard Why does your magazine have articles about how everybody comes in different shapes and sizes and we are all beautiful no matter what, when all your models are stick thin? and the standard reply by the editor We agree that magazines make girls have a bad self-image. Our models will now be a size 2 instead of a size 0. Thanks for reading!.

I was disappointed to find that there was a humiliating stories page. Why does every single teen magazine have to have this? You’ve read one, you’ve read ‘em all.

This magazine is divided into sections. I guess I will, uh, tell about each one. The first section is called Pssst…. This is where you find information about hot celebrities, music, movies, technology and cool ways to make cash, like become an entrepreneurial western shirt maker. The section is 19 pages long, but 12 of those pages are ads. Now, sometimes I think ads are cool, and sometimes not, like when I see Mandy Moore’s face blown up to epic proportions. No. The only thing that impressed me about this section was they had a small interview with the band New Found Glory.

All About Boys is the title of the next section. The first article was called Boy-o-Meter. They take a picture of some cute boy and then have four girls critique him and rate him on a scale of fizzle to sizzle. What the hell is that all about? Then they have a guide to guys, everything you need to know to get a date. They also list the four ways you you’re ready to kiss a guy. Phbphbpbh. Then they get a guy to write an editorial on the intricate workings on guys’ minds and they also get a guy to write a diary of their weekend in which they had to deal with confusing girls. After reading this section, the average teen girl should know everything there is to know about the average teen boy.

Then along comes the Fashion Diva section, which basically introduces you to the newest trends in clothes. And then Beauty Patrol which talks about the newest make-up looks and face washes, which will create urges to go shopping and spend $500 on everything that’s advertised. Then Health Kick which talks about sex and exercise, and there’s the required Q&A with the doc.

Inner Girl. Hmmm. There’s a bunch of junk about how to deal with stress and being the new kid at school. And a quiz in which you can tell if you’re a bore or not. Well, I took it. Turns out I am a bore which is probably why you’ve fallen asleep with your face smashed against the keyboard while reading this. Don’t worry, the indents will go away with time. After reading a few issues of this magazine, I’m sure I’ll find out how to not be a bore anymore, so there’s no more need for me to worry about that anymore.

Ah. Then we come to the pièce de résistance, the article about Freddie Prinze, Jr. Unfortunately I did not read this, so I cannot critique the writing style. Freddie makes me cringe. After the incredibly entertaining article that I’m sure it was, there is something that made me grin in many ways. There are 20 wallet-sized photos of all the hottest male celebrities! Boy, I am excited. Now I have something to fill up my wallet picture slots!

Then along comes the article I’ve been waiting for. The article on how to get my crush to like me in that way. There are three steps to accomplish this:
Step 1: Call him
Step 2: Ask him to dance
Step 3: Ask him to hang out
Thanks, Cosmo Girl! I’m gonna try step #1 right now!

Five seconds later…

He hung up on me…Grrr. But wait! The next article is about how to get over him. Once again, Cosmo Girl is a life-saver!

This magazine is a clone of all the other teen mags out there. You could tear off the cover and paste a Teen Magazine cover in its place and nobody would know the difference. And it jipped me. It said that I would get a free astrological guide, but the magazine skips from page 184 right to page 217! Where did it go?

The issue I talked about is the September 2001. If you’re still interested in this magazine even after reading my extremely stimulating article there’s a website: http://www.cosmogirl.com












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