What’s Cheaper than a Sex Therapist and More Expensive than a Can of Whipped Cream?
Written: Apr 16 '01
Product Rating:
Trendiness:
Pros: interesting sex advice, saucy reader confessions, brain candy
Cons: oppressive and depressive to women
The Bottom Line: Cosmo is not for everyone. If you use it for what it's good for, your sex partner will worship you. If you hate it, don't buy it again.
5. Junk Food for the Brain: I, like countless other women out there, have issues regarding my weight. If I eat healthy and exercise, I will look and feel much better than if I don’t. However, if I splurge on cake, cookies, candy, chips, or any other high calorie or high fat naughty snack, the pounds start stacking quicker than I can say “Ho-Ho”. So with both bathing suit season and the Easter bunny knocking at my door, I’m trying hard to stay away from the sweets. But for some reason I need to do something that’s no so good for me, so I reach for Cosmo. It’s chock full of fluffy, marshmallowy, consumerism complete with page after page of skin and bones models. Luckily, I’m comfortable and secure with myself and I’m not intimidated into feeling bad about my body by seeing how thin the models are. Just about all the men I know prefer women who are curvaceous and look like women rather than adolescent boys. Reading Cosmo to me is like eating candy without the guilt: it’s not healthy, but it’s entertaining.
4. Smell Good Central: Fragrance ads with perfume samples abound. When I’m fresh out of my favorite scent, Chanel No. 5, it’s nice to have a Cosmo on hand. Each issue has at least three samples of the hottest perfumes on the market. Many people are allergic to perfume or just think they plain stink, but I adore the aromas and adorn them whenever appropriate. In recent issues, I’ve found samples of Clinique Happy, Gucci Rush (my other favorite), Guerlain Mahora, Lanvin Oxygene, and more.
3. Horoscope Howdown: No, it’s not rocket science. Actually it’s not even any kind of science. It’s straight bull_sh*t and everyone knows it. Horoscopes, especially Cosmopolitan horoscopes, are pure mindless drivel. But they are cute, funny and entertaining mindless drivel. April’s issue contains (get this) Astro Seduce-Him perforated cards for men each of the 12 zodiac signs. The back of each card tells you, the reader, the men of that sign’s Sexy Stats, the Best Compliment to give him, How to Seduce Him, his Secret Moan Zone, how to Blow his Mind in Bed, and one final Hot Tip. How handy (literally)! The cards are 2 x 2” so you can carry them in your wallet, and when you meet a new man you can ask his sign and inconspicuously spy his card and know how to make him yours forever.
Yes, I know this sounds ridiculous, and it is. For those of us who spend most of our days in serious mode, this can be an amusing way to spend 15 minutes laughing with our friends.
The monthly Bedside Astrologer is equally entertaining, but the special horoscope sections are the funniest.
2. Tell Me All About IT: Reader Confessions are always hot and spicy. Some are low class (read: Jerry Springer), many are sophomoric and most are downright naughty. But truth is more entertaining, racy and stranger than fiction; at least what passes for the truth anyway. In my most recent issue (April 2001) I read five sexy tidbits about how readers and their partners get caught in the act, five scary scenarios about how the writer gets even with a girl or boyfriend for betrayal, six comical concoctions where the writer gets embarrassed over some naughty no-no or another, four foxy fables about the writer cheated on her mate and ended up with someone better, and (my personal favorite) six sensuous soliloquies called Sneaky Sexcapades that tell about how the writer had a tantalizing tryst with a mysterious man.
This is the dirt that makes our mind’s eye wander to another place, another time, another dimension. This is the stuff of beachside romance novels, only shorter.
Why would an educated, successful woman waste her time with such baloney? Good question. I personally think it’s chemically related. Reading Cosmopolitan releases neurotransmitters, possibly serotonin, to give the reader a feeling of euphoria similar to eating chocolate. Hey, it’s just a thought.
Number 1 Reason to Read Cosmopolitan: Hot Sex Tips, of course. Just when he thought it was safe to go in the bedroom… No, I’m actually being serious here. Many women live through their lives without ever really enjoying sex. Now this could be all well and good- if you are a nun. But if you’re going to do it, at least you should enjoy yourself and get the most out of it. If your bedroom follies aren’t what they used to be (or they never were much to begin with), flipping through just one issue of Cosmopolitan will give you enough ideas to keep you and your partner quite busy for the next several weeks. I’ll be brief here, because this is a sensitive subject for many of us. Sex is to be enjoyed. It’s not bad or dirty or scary or harmful as long as you are comfortable with yourself and with your partner. If banality in the bedroom is keeping you from achieving total and complete ecstasy, Cosmo can help. ‘Nuff said.
I’m as ambiguous as ambiguous gets.
My Top Five Reasons to Throw Cosmopolitan in the Trash:
5. It’s Garbage: Other than the sex therapy, there is not much worthwhile to read inside Cosmopolitan. Less than 5% of the articles are thought provoking or consciousness expanding. You will learn nothing new or useful about the world we live in. Cosmo is to your mind what Twinkies are to your body: C-R-*-P.
4. The Clothes are Ugly: I don’t need Cosmopolitan to tell me what to wear. Vogue and Vanity Fair are much more about beautiful, sophisticated fashion. Not that I buy the clothes that are in Vogue either, but it’s the principle. The clothes in Cosmopolitan are shameless rags that I would never wear, except maybe on Halloween after I’ve had a few cosmopolitans to drink.
3. Bombarding Advertisements:Cosmopolitan is full of targeted marketing urging me to try this or that lotion, soap, pantyhose, web site, shoes, diet pills, prescription meds, maxi pads, liquor, cigarettes, shampoo, underwear, laundry detergent, makeup, toothpaste... you get the point. The worst part is that many of the advertisements are cleverly disguised as articles. Why are these companies so brazen about their attempt to force us to buy? I, for one, am much more likely to buy something that’s not forced down my throat.
2. Celebrity Hoo-hah: Sure, there are movie stars, rock stars, and TV stars. Their job is to entertain us with their acting, singing or playing and have their pictures made for magazines and commercials. Are they beautiful? Yes. Are they rich? Yes. Do I give a flying hoot? No. I would much rather read about real life.
Number 1 Reason to Throw Cosmopolitan in the Garbage: It depresses and oppresses women’s creativity, individuality and self-sustainability. You’ve heard the expression, “A Woman Needs a Man like a Fish Needs a Bicycle.” This concept has never entered the minds of “Cosmo-Girls”. Nowhere in Cosmopolitan will you read about the empowerment of women, our careers, our educations, our trials and tribulations. Cosmopolitan furthers the myth that women are here on Earth with two specific purposes: look beautiful (read: be thin, wear make up and tight clothes, and, of course, shave) and do what men want (read: wild sex).
As you may or may not have known, there are already 240 other epinions on Cosmopolitan! I haven’t read them all, but I have read several of the VH rated ones.
Great Arguments detailing why Cosmopolitan is a tool of the Evil Forces trying to warp our minds:
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