toiletoctopus's Full Review: ESPN Magazine Subscription
I heard a joke somewhere, that ESPN is what a drunk psychic thinks he has. It is a stupid joke, that will guarantee you an icy stare or gunshot wound, instead of a good hearty laugh. ESPN is one of the greatest innovations of the 1970's, and should be considered an accomplishment of almost Biblical proportions. There constant 24 hour coverage of sporting events, such as College Cheerleading and Women's Beach Volleyball, are another reason that I consider my life full of happiness. Even though the broadcast from the cesspool of Bristol, Connecticut, which is near Rotten Groton, they have proved themselves to be useful.
I am completely enamored by their broadcasts, and I'm always excited to see what nickname Chris Berman will bestow upon a lucky recipient. That is why I decided to subscribe to their magazine, which is published bi-weekly. I got it through an online subscription discount service, for a yearly price of $20. It was so frustrating to wait for the first issue to arrive at the house, and I was so happy when I saw it in the mailbox. However, my happiness soon became a disappointment, as I found that the magazine is far below the quality of their television coverage.
If you like advertisements, you'll love this magazine. There is nothing but ads for shoes, deodorants, and jock strap cream in each issue. I almost wished for jock itch after reading it for the first time, even though I was more associated with the Lamda Lamda Lamda group in college, and therefore immune. I'm not joking, as I truly believe that half of each issue is devoted to commercial products, so you can rip out at least 60 pages of each issue to get to the features.
I'm a baseball junkie, and they claim that this magazine, is a must for a passionate fan. It is, if you want to read about Mark Mcgwire's bat boy's first cousin from a second marriage. How relevant is the George Brett pine tar issue, or the fact that Bill Buckner had a bus try to run him over after the 1986 World Series? By the way, it missed, because it ran right underneath his legs. The articles seem to miss the important elements in the game, and focus too much on B-List stars instead of the big time players, managers, and owners. I would like to read in depth articles about the organizations themselves, instead of reading the information that I gleaned from my local sports section last week. Whoever is in charge of this section is about as stale as the past month's donut.
Basketball focuses too much on young players who have yet to make an impact. This is the reason that the league has lost ratings, due to high school players who aren't ready to play for many years. The magazine has fallen in the same trap, and the hockey coverage is the exact opposite. I want to read about a player losing his teeth in a power play, or how Alex Ovechkin continues to become the best young player in the league. Instead, they focus on the old players who have a quarter of gas left in the tank. While its okay to review a player who has contributed greatly to the sport for the last fifteen years, I'm tired of these farewell articles in each issue.
Football is where they do get it right, at least in the draft. This is probably the best magazine, with the exception of yearly guides, to learning about the future stars of the league. There is in depth coverage over top college prospects, and in the needs of each professional team. If you think Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated is an expert, give this magazine a try to see if it will change your mind. He's wrong more times than he's right, and you'll find more accurate and new information with ESPN Magazine. Plus, they actually list the entire draft picks by team, and their predictions have been unbelievably accurate. If you are going to bet on who's picked by who in Vegas, check out their pre-draft issue.
I wish they would do more with football and baseball, but they seem to cover sports that NO ONE gives a damn about. Who cares about Curling or Croquet? The feature articles that cover these are a waste of ink and paper, and their bowling features are enough to put a fan to sleep. I like bowling, but I'd rather play it, than watch it on television or read about it in a magazine. Its not really exciting to discuss the advantages of hitting a "Brooklyn" in your first set. If you like golf, there are plenty of articles in here. I'd rather jump off a tall building, and land on a bike with no seat.
Final Thoughts
This is a cheap magazine to subscribe to, and it does come out every two weeks. I haven't had a problem with any issues not being delivered, but I'm not going to re-subscribe. I think the Sporting News and Sports Illustrated, do a better job in covering the important aspects of professional sports. Plus, there's no swimsuit issue, which I'll admit is a factor in my decision. Their little insert of Harold Reynolds and Chris Berman in swimwear, doesn't do much for me. I would suggest keeping up to date with a major newspaper sports section, and watching them on television, instead of ordering their magazine. This might effect the economy of Bristol by 50%, but they will survive by making cheap furniture, collecting driftwood, and in walking around in Hawaiian shirts year round.
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