I don't know. Maybe I just got a particularly boring issue or maybe it's because I approach housekeeping as I do life - with reckless abandon. Hmmm, the garbage doesn't stink yet. I could probably pile a few more things on it... and, Does everyone have at least one semi-clean outfit for tomorrow? Yes? Okay, laundry can wait one more day...

It's not that I don't enjoy a clean house, because I do. I love when everything is all clean and shiny and neat and smelling good. It's nice, it feels good but it's a lot of work and, if you have children, it doesn't last very long. Add that to the nine hours a day I spend workin' for the man, and I could just work all day and night with no time for myself or fun! What a dreadful thought. No thanks, I don't think I'll ever look back and regret having had fun. Know what I mean?

I'm not a big magazine reader, but I have read a few on a semi-regular basis in my time. A friend and co-worker subscribed to an unreal amount of magazines and passed Newsweek and Rolling Stone on to me for about a year. Newsweek is great, but not very relevant when you're reading a four week old magazine. I'd arrive at work, "Oh man! Did you hear we bombed Iraq?" and everyone would respond, "Ummm yeah, like four weeks ago. Welcome back to reality!"

It is kind of a bizarre phenomena, my avoidance of the news and current events. Actually, I wish I could take an active interest in it so that I could have witty, intelligent remarks to contribute to conversation about it, but other than my year stint with Newsweek, I have taken very little interest in the news.

News avoidance is a severe obstacle when playing Trivial Pursuit though - I have to rely solely on my meager knowledge of history, geography, and literature to get me through, even on the 1980's Master Game. Since I was junior high and high school aged in this era, I thought I would really clean up with the 1980's version, but alas, it was not to be. Maybe it was too many bong hits at keggers, maybe it was all the hairspray clogging my brain, but I can barely remember a thing from the eighties. Strangely, that version of the game proved to be one of the longest games my family and I have played. It's as though we all have a mental block on the Reagan years.

Okay, I'm getting way off track here. Rolling Stone had some great articles now and then, but for the most part I remember thinking to myself, "I'm sure glad none of my hard earned money went to buy this crap..." So many ads (as with a lot of magazines, esp fashion magazines), they should just give the damn things away! We have to pay for a bunch of ads? What do they do with our subscription money? Use if for toilet paper for crying out loud?

While I was in line at the grocery store yesterday, I thought I might enjoy reading a magazine (other than National Geographic) for a change. I actually subscribe to National Geographic and quite enjoy it, but thought I would like something a little lighter, more fun. Maybe packed with a few good ideas for meals or home things and maybe a nice human interest story. It was slim pickings: I think there was a bridal magazine, People, Glamour, and Good Housekeeping.

I almost went for the Glamour, but then thought, "Nah, remember why you stopped reading these mags in the first place?" Well, because they're pretty stupid actually and, if you read them a few months in a row, all of the issues just become an undistinguishable blur. All the articles on embracing your wonderful, flawed self amid pictures of emaciated 14 year-old models, how to get an exciting, up and coming career while wearing a "classic white shirt" tied up under your breasts and a micro-mini, oh yeah! This is the good stuff. I actually do sort of enjoy their trashy articles on how to have better sex and such, but honestly I can only recall actually "learning" something from one - okay wait, now that I really think about it, maybe two - articles. I'm not some kind of a porn star or something, but this is usually pretty basic stuff with a titillating title.

Off track again... Well, Good Housekeeping is squeaky clean. Not a single mention of how to have multiple orgasms or give good head. That's almost unheard of these days, I think. After reading For Women First on my lunch break about a month ago, I was surprised to find a sex advice article that had some of the strangest sexual situations in it and the responses to the letters implied everything's okay, everything's cool. Oh, so you like to swing naked from your trees in the back yard while the neighbors look on and then jump into a big tub of jello? Well, that's some really great free expression there young lady and how wonderful that you are so comfortable with your body! Recipes for preparing a gourmet dinner in 20 minutes flat and soft porn! Oh yeah, I got a subscription!

One of the things that intrigued me about this issue of Good Housekeeping was "Walk Off 10 Lbs. No Dieting!". I've been a runner, but somehow in my old age, it's not agreeing with me. I pull a muscle in my hip and it hurts for two weeks, I run for 10 minutes praying for the endorphin rush, but somehow it never comes. I swear, I was in better shape when I lived on Marlboro Reds and Southern Comfort in my youth. So I think, "Hey cool, maybe they have some really good walking plan in here!" It turns out it's basically, "Walk fast (4 mph), walk slow (2.5 mph), increase your speed gradually, pump your arms like this...". Walk 4 mph, then 2.5 mph? How 'bout I just go out and walk at a pace that raises my pulse a bit and do that for as long as I can? Sheesh - I should have saved my money.

Somehow they make a three page article out of this alleged walking plan as well as stretching a very boring interview with Laura Bush that says very little out over like four or five pages. Okay, we get the clue. Laura Bush is a very stoic, reserved person so lets hear about her drunken daughters or something! Come on, give me something here. Actually, the article ends with a couple of lines saying Laura Bush will be a substitute teaching for the program titled "Teach for America" which I think sounds pretty cool even though I'm not a big fan of the Bush Administration.

Okay, I guess I was up on current events during the last election and I did vote in my first presidential election (I had regularly voted on a local level prior to this). Not because I'm so young mind you, but because I decided to put a halt to my apathy. I'm sorry to report, it didn't work. I am as apathetic as ever.

Oh, what else is in this baby? Leafing through... Oh yes! How do all of Hollywood's top aging beauties retain their youth and good looks? My money's on personal trainers, plastic surgeons, and fuzzy, warm lighting, but Good Housekeeping tells us we should do it the old fashioned way - staying out of the sun and exercising and such. Now that's cutting edge, I hadn't heard that before.

There are recipes that some of you more creative cooks may want to try out, but as for my family, I think they'd turn their noses up at this stuff. We're relatively adventurous eaters, but Watermelon Gazpacho? This recipe calls for 4 pounds of watermelon, green pepper, red onion, garlic, zucchini, and assorted other things - throw in a food processor - chill - serve garnished with a slice of red onion and mint sprig. Is it just me? Does this sound even remotely appetizing to anyone? Well, I suppose I haven't tried it, but watermelon, garlic, peppers, and onions?

Advice from Peggy Post on manners, housekeeping hints from Heloise, and advice on matters of the mind and heart from Dr. Joyce Brothers are mildly interesting to completely dull columns. This magazine must use REAL letters sent in by REAL readers and you know Cosmopolitan and Glamour don't! Come on, admit it. You'd rather write a fake response to a fake letter declaring, "I have a boyfriend who loves me, but I'm also seeing my boss and my mother's husband on the side and thinking of developing a relationship with my best girlfriend..." than the true letter to Dr. Brothers, "When I visit my mother, she nags my son about cleaning his plate. Help me please, I have no backbone and can't face up to her myself." Awww, that wasn't very nice. For the record, HTP is always nice in his epinions and considerably funnier than I am!

Even potentially interesting articles like an interview with Tabitha King (wife of Stephen King), are somehow made boring. Judging by the qualities of the interviews, Good Housekeeping could use someone with a little more pizazz doing them. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, Good Housekeeping is so squeaky clean and dull, I can't in good conscience recommend it.

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This review is part of the Hard_to_Please Love Fest, organized by diverpam, for our friend Mark (Hard_to_Please) who was recently diagnosed with advanced cancer. All funds raised this write-off will be donated to Mark to help defray some of his expenses.

Mark, my thoughts and hope for a speedy recovery are with you. While I have only become familiar with your writing since the "Grocery Write Off", your work has brought a lot of laughter to my life!
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Hats off to diverpam for organizing this event and please check out these other participants:

jankp, jkkelley,29th Candidate, Sunkah, Dr_Steph, bwyckoff1, jo.com, AinsleyJo, Lady Cynic, frazzledspice, mcmaster,  roxymarie, LordAngel,   sherrylee,  brendametcalf, pambo, NoMattrWht, Sordid-1, nwinston,  SLOW, Suzer, Biggs219, melissasrn, MattJoe, ifif1938, DiverPam, GinaHill, grandgram, Hikini, pogomom, bops_mom, purplewiz, repulsemonkey, Redhotleigh, gonow, hypotenuse, blackcat2, mkp51, Kevlog, flamepillar, PSobel, Taurusmoon, nathsmom, daddieo, Zenhues, cldoss, 2buzy, Lizf, gransurfer1, Deaser26, Auldbawl1, Michiman1, prfstars, BARNZ, fransbebe, Granniemose, ggrimes1221, ginzo, eplovejoy, michealhead, Arthur.Rubin, lisa_j, cripper, Hadassahchana, teddiec, mtbat, momsworkinlate



Recommended: No