Vormancian's Full Review: Martha Stewart Living Subscription Magazine
If you know me at all, you might think it very strange to hear me say that Martha Stewart Living is my favorite magazine of all time.
But then, you might have been surprised when I reviewed Bring It On and said that it was a great movie.
What makes this such a great magazine? Well, for one thing, whenever I hear (or read) Martha Stewart talking, I get the sneaking suspicion that she is being serious, and that is too funny to put into words.
Martha Stewart is such a walking summation of all that is wrong with the world that for her to pretend that she is an actual, legitimate person brings me to tears with laughter.
Her show brings about in me the same sort of conflict that arises when Jerry Springer happens to come on. I want to change the channel, I just can't do it. If you've seen the show, you know what I mean.
Let's talk a walk through an issue of her magazine.
The first thing to note would be the ads in the magazine. We've got one for Polo kidswear with two children about eight wearing a complete Polo ensemble. Because Martha Stewart is for 'real people' right?
Estee Lauder perfume, alright no trouble there. But wait, the next page is an ad for Tommy Hilfiger kidswear. Two more children around eight or nine completely done up in Tommy Hilfiger, $100 sweaters, $50 scarves, and loafers included.
Then we get to Martha's personal calendar which we are priviledged enough to behold at the front of each issue.
For August we have some of the following interesting information.
August 4th - Take a carriage ride. Ummm, okay.
August 6th - Tennis lesson. Start viola seeds for fall planting. Start them?
August 12th - Hike. Yoga. Make tea cakes and blueberry jam. Whew! Helluva day there.
August 25th - Visit Bedford Property.
August 27th - Change batteries in smoke alarms.
Pretty full schedule eh? Now is it crazy that this is in her magazine? Well, yes, but let's assume no for just a second. What's actually crazy about this is that thousands of people are checking and rechecking this schedule daily to see what Martha is doing, and believe that this is what she does.
Then we get a nice ad for something called Barbie Pleather pants for your ten year old daughter. I have no idea what Pleather is, but it is apparently some substitute for leather which somehow makes it okay to send your little girl to school with leather pants on.
Then we get to the section where we get to ask Martha questions.
Fascinating questions like - What causes some fabrics to pill, while others don't? What's the difference between Grade A eggs and Grade AA eggs? What's the best way to remove the wax coating on fresh fruits and vegetables?
If you think those questions are bad, wait until you see the answers.
Next we have, guess what, that's right, an ad for Guess Baby.
After a few more ads we have the Dessert of the Month. This month, it's Melon with Orange-Ginger Syrup. This actually looks pretty good, but pay attention to the hookline of this article. "Slicing open a melon and scooping out its fragrant flesh is one of summer's great pleasures." My brain is actually locked on overload with too many ways I want to go making fun of this.
Then we have the Arrangement of the Month. This month it's something with false bishop's weed and globe thistle. Hmmm. The weed and thistle arrangement.
Next it's the Find of the Month. This month's 'find', making picture frames out of very large, very ugly belt buckles. It's right there in print, you can't call me a liar.
Then we learn how to make festive drink umbrellas out of origami paper.
And now, the magazine turns into a shotgun blast of rapid-fire little tips. Chocolate Dessert Shells. Dip a seashell in chocolate and freeze to make an edible bowl of chocolate shaped like a shell. Bam. How to dry Hydrangeas. Bam. Bam. Make a seashell into a nightlight. Kablam. Cut open a natural seasponge and put soap inside to have a 'soaping' sponge. Blam. Bam. Bam. Roasted tomatoes on the vine. Bam. Bam.
Then it's right on to the seven page article on collecting souvenier spoons. Seriously, I'm on the edge of my seat.
There are also scattered recipes for just about everything. One in particular caught my eye. It seemed a fascinating example of just what was going on with Martha Stewart. The recipe is for a drink called an Orange Cloud. I suppose I'm not allowed to list the exact recipe here, but included in the preparation of this drink is an orange powder that you put around the edge of the glass like the salt for a margarita.
Then, we get the recipe for this orange powder. The recipe for this orange powder includes two oranges, sugar, water, cooking in a saucepan for 30 minutes, baking for an hour, and then grinding in a spice grinder until powdery.
After that, you get to start making the drink.
So, when you have your staff of 20 free, oh I mean when you have a few extra minutes to make this drink.
And finally, we get into the landscaping section. Let me show you a little something you can do with your four acres of land which, conveniently, already have hundreds of hours of work worth of beautiful plants covering it.
Hi there, can we all come together and say making this look beautiful is not impressive?
And now we come to the real point of Martha Stewart in general. Do you have a beautiful house? Well, if you do, I can make it beautiful. Errr????
By the way, in this issue 106 of the 191 pages are ads.
I don't exactly subscribe to it (just so you know), my wife got a subscription as a present. Woohoo!
Martha Stewart Living Magazine was created by the famous television hostess who has become the popular advisor on all things for the home and garden. ...More at Magazineline
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