* *WARNING** YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ AN IRRESPONSIBLE, PERHAPS OFFENSIVE, PRESENTATION OF CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT MATTER:

--The following review-discussion deals with subject matter that some readers' moms may consider morally offensive, and/or inappropriate for minors over the age of 21, and/or harmful to the over-schooled minds of excessively-mature people. The magazine this epinion reviews, i.e., "SKIN & INK," is published for the sole purpose of celebrating the beauty of tattoos; both as an art form, and as a spectacle. Tragically, proper viewing of those tattoos requires they come prepackaged on ::*GASP*:: naked bodies; the kind that show a shocking disregard and morally reprehensible disdain for the very clothing, the wearing of which, might otherwise disguise their nudity and provide them a moment of respite from the perpetual shame they fail to properly suffer.

Any socially, culturally and/or morally-redeeming value with which the subject magazine may previously have been handicapped, has been summarily trampled into non-existence by the author and his childish presentation of its content, and who (aside from trashing two perfectly good hours futilely attempting to "look ashamed" in the bathroom mirror,) has proven to be similarly irredeemable. People who find being offended offensive, please defend against it, by avoiding any further reading beyond this sentence, which is itself, the very Pike's Peak-summit of any edification that might accidentally have leaked into the text of this review. (I apologize to any offense-seeking purists who might have been caught by it, unawares.)

There is little, if anything, I find more tragic, more wasteful and unnecessary, than the plight of a reader who carelessly runs past my elaborately-worded offensiveness-warning signs, and right into the criss-crossing trajectory paths of my "stray, offensiveness ricochets," which, regrettably, have taken out many an innocent bystanding non-reader in the not too distant past. Please do not become the next one, unless you are prepared to appreciate the experience.

Oh yes, if you are here for a no-nonsense, poetry review of SKIN & INK magazine, skip down to SECTION II, which begins with the phrase: "WHAT DOES "SKIN & INK MAGAZINE" HAVE TO OFFER THE READING CONSUMER?"

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I. INTRODUCTION

[From the: "Sit Down & Make Yourself 'Homer'" Dept:]
A. INVOCATION OF THE MUSE OF BETTER BUYS

Penuria, oh muse, most penny-wise!
Spare spendthrift speech, with thrift thy thoughts inspire--
Imbue thy brain, with better buyer buys;
Let him who reads, become a better buyer!

Possess me with thy penny-pinching wit,
Penuria, my matron-muse of misers!
To frugal facts, let me, my words, commit,
And prose I pen, please product-price apprisers.

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B. WHAT MOTIVATES THE AUTHOR?

(That's Your Cue To Indulge Him (Me) By Pretending You Give A Rat's, errrrr, I Mean Care... .)

Some think of me as "Jim the Politician,"
Or "Lawyer Jim;" these jobs I won't deny--
But truth be told, my secret life ambition,
Is "finding facts, that yield a better buy."

I march through malls! --Fleece flea-markets! --Storm stores!
Finagle facts; flag fraud folks fail to fathom.
Set next to this stuff, -sex induces snores;
Assisting buys, excites *ME* to orgasm.

From ignorance, from double-talk & rumors,
To my reviews, the helpless buyer turns...
I find the facts; --provide them to consumers.
My product-posts diminish their concerns.

Some point & laugh; some say: "You're over-zealous!"
But I reply: "YOU need a life, --I RULE!"
They joke and jeer, but I know they're just jealous!
"A penny-per!" -- I ain't nobody's fool... .

Take Sordid-1, a "product-info poser;"
He writes reviews with per-son-a-li-ty,
He claims that he's a "helpful-fact discloser,"
Yet fails to bring you "scads-o'-facts," like me.

C. 29TH'S "BETTER-BUYER BATTLE CRY:"

***When buyers need info, I am not slow!
It's hip, hip, hip, and a-waaAAAAaay I go!

***(Props to "UNDERDOG ©," whose cur-bloodling battle cry: "When Polly's in trouble, I am not slow; it's hip, hip, hip and AWAAAAYYY I GOOOO!," inspired my own.)

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D. THE INTRO-ENDING LIMERICK

For post picks, we writers decided,
Our partner would pick, --we'd just write it...
"Skin & Ink...," when Str8 spied it,
With delight cried, "...abide it!"
So I write it, despite this slight I've cited.


***[TRANSLATION: Dastr8poop Picked "SKIN & INK" As My Mag W-O Subject. I Shall Be Forever Grateful.]

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II. WHAT DOES SKIN & INK HAVE TO OFFER THE READING CONSUMER?

A. SKIN & INK: A LAYER-BY-LAYER BREAKDOWN

The way I breakdown "Skin & Ink's "contents:
First "FEATURES," then "COLUMNS;" & "DEPARTMENTS"
The summary, I saved for "SECTION B."
You'll read it there. Just wait. I swear. You'll see!

1. "SKIN & INK'S" FEATURES:

A) "HOW TO MAKE TATTOO-SHOW BANNERS"

The "FEATURES" start with "How to make a banner..."
(With helpful hints,) "...For holding tattoo-shows;"
You tattooed-types, who've never held a spanner,
Will marvel as your tattoo fan-base grows.

B) "TATTOOED FETISH GIRLS"

A color spread, that lives up to its title--
The hot-to-trot piece; "Tattooed Fetish Girl,"
Makes blood pump to those tattooed parts most vital
And "barber-pole" tattoos stand-up & twirl... .

Ohhhhh, "Skin!"... & "Ink!" I now see the relation--
Her "Ink's" the art, not as *I'd* thought; obscene.
Her "Skin's" for greater "reader circulation;"
The magazine's-- not YOURS! --Let's keep it clean!

C) "MANY STITCHES FOR LIFE"

In the feature, "Many Stitches For Life,"
The author treks to St. Lawrence Island;
Here, tattoos "fuse," a husband to his wife,
Divorce courts here, are rarely swamped with filin.'

D) "IBIZA"

Here, the international party scene,
Provides the "ink," for yet another layout.
The skin's there too; no laundry here to clean.
The tattoos range from "startling" to "way-out."


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2. "SKIN & INK'S" COLUMNS:

A) "OUR LIVING HISTORY" WITH C.W. ELDRIDGE

"Eldrige" is "SKIN & INK'S" history buff,
He, this month, rates past banner-artists;
He seems to think banner art is the stuff,
From which history's made. Disregard this.

B) " TATTOO SCIENCE" WITH DANNY FOWLER

Another hist'ry buff; now it's "tattoos,"
Gets caught up in his skin-art tales of yore:
The highs-- HOORAY!; The lows-- OH, BOO-HOO-HOO!
Will Dan cut from his past? --Stay tuned for snore... .

C) "DIGGIN' THE DIRT" WITH HOLLY

What tattoo-rag could ever be complete,
Without tattoo's "Anne Landers:" "Ms. Holly?"
This tattooed "sweet-tart's" tongue's more tart; less sweet
Tattooed tarts talk trash like this?! Good Golly!

D) " SPOTLIGHT" WITH DANIELLE

A trip through tattooed-Tempe, Arizona
To take in "Living Canvas Tattoos"
Me? No word to rhyme "AZ.?" --Bologna!
Oh yes... The "Tempe tour"... What thrilling views!

E) "TRAVELIN'" MICK

Guess what! A tour! --This time, the Philippines,
To view tattoos; get natives' tattoo-views,
On tattoos dyed with roots; vanilla beans...
Does ANY place on Earth not have tattoos?!

F) "Q&A" WITH MATTY JANKOWSKI

This final piece is odd; somewhat explicit.
Matthew searches plastic dolls for designs.
All but "cultivated" folk, should miss it;
'Cept those of us obsessed with doll-behinds... .

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3. "SKIN & INK'S" DEPARTMENTS:

A) BITS & SNATCHES

I stiffly stand, 'gainst "smut-dissemination,"
"Bits? & SNATCHES?!" --A news-heading? ...It's true.
This tawdry, tattoo "title-titillation,"
Treads that thin line, 'tween "tasteless" and "taboo."

When tattoo mags, use smut to sell their wares,
The image of "tattooed," gets "screwed" & "blued,"
Though I dig it, it's not my rep that bears,
The stigma of the folks who think it's lewd.

B) "LITZ'S SKETCHBOOK," "HIPSHOTS" AND THE REST OF S & I'S DEPARTMENTS

The rest of the "Depts," deal in different degrees,
With tattoo photo-layouts and op-eds:
"LITZ SKETCHBOOK" reveals what the "skin-artist" sees,
While the "HIPSHOTS" hypes black & white "shop-spreads."

"TALKBACK" examines skin-artist debates;
"TATTOO ARTISTS RIDES" shows their jallopies.
"READERS' GALLEY" posts readers' art it rates;
"TEN BIG QUESTIONS" responds to their queries.

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4. " SKIN & INK:" THE (BOTTOM-LINE) SKINNY:

Skin & Ink's bottom-line's simply this:
It's selection is "less than eclectic;"
Don't like tattoos? Then there's nothing you'll miss,
If you do-- this is Kool-Aid; "electric."

Looking for stocks? --You'll be out in the woods;
This mag's strictly for body graffiti--
For skin-artists, it delivers the goods;
It's info's broad; its models are meaty.

As a primer for biker-chick wannabes,
Or learning the "who's who" of body art,
Each level of tattoo communities,
Have their needs met in full or in some part.

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III. A DEDICATION:

Last, but certainly not least, my thoughts are never far from my good friend Mark, who most of you know as "Hard_To_Please" and who you may have heard has been diagnosed with cancer. He would benefit greatly by your positive thoughts & prayers. We speak almost daily, and because he'd want to deck me if he knew I was writing this, I will restrict myself to telling you only that his recent news has not been good. I sense that it has taken its toll on his spirit, which may get knocked down, but is far from ever being "out." With this in mind, I dedicate this review to you, Mark-- may it bring you some laughter-medicine... .

As Always, Thank You For Reading--

Jim Scileppi (The "29th_Candidate")

When pigs can fly, I'll post my review. Hail Cerdo! Though he's been known to "truffle some folk's pigfeathers," I think he is one high-flying hog." He constructed a fly web-sty for the write-off. Swine-samplers can see why this sty's so fly, and why the pig can fly, and why folks are generally high on the hog at this address:

http://www.cerdo.com/oink/write-off/tpc.html
.
This will take you to the submissions of these other worthy writers who took part in the "Poetically Challenged" Write-Off:

badkittyM -- Martha Stewart Living
thom413 -- American Pageantry Magazine
repulsemonkey -- Soap Opera Digest
imokliel -- Tiger Beat
Cerdo -- 2600 Hacker Quarterly
Kung_fu_chimp -- Juxtapoz
dastr8poop -- Mad Magazine
29th_Candidate -- Skin & Ink
deaser26 -- Official U.S. Playstation Magazine
LoBue -- WIRED
fallenjesusboy -- World Weekly News
imperialgirl21 -- Electronic Gaming Monthly
mike24 -- New Yorker
lessaleigh -- Cult
saintgoddess69 -- Nintendo Power
Annexation -- Fangoria

Recommended: Yes