The Restless and the Beautiful (with apologies to Lewis Carroll)
Written: Aug 17 '01 (Updated Aug 17 '01)
Product Rating:
Quality of Gossip:
Pros: Yes.
Cons: No.
The Bottom Line: Remember: this magazine does not aid Soap Opera digestion. Do not eat. Do not feed it to your children. Do not hesitate to feed it to the badkitty.
repulsemonkey's Full Review: Soap Opera Digest Magazine
The soaps were playing on TV,
Playing all through the night.
They did their very best to wrap up
Carmen’s plot-lines nice and tight.
This was odd, ‘cause she’d been killed
Last month on Guiding Light.
The monkey sat alone at home,
Flipping channels restlessly
To catch up on Caleb’s marriage
And Tony’s H.I.V.
"It’s very rude of them," he said
"To break up Ben and Lee."
The kiss was wet as wet could be
‘Tween Belle Black and Shawn.
Of course he had no idea
That Felicia had been gone
Soap watching? He had to entertain himself
With Survivor no longer on.
The Restless and The Beautiful
Were coming up right quick.
He shook his fist toward the screen
And shouted, "JT’s a dick!"
"Mac should beat his pretty face!"
"The lawsuit’ll never stick!"
"If seven soaps with seven stars
I watched for half a year,
Do you suppose," the monkey asked,
"I’d keep the plot-lines clear?"
"I doubt it," he told himself,
"’Lest Soap Opera Digest be near."
"O Digest, Come enlighten me!"
The monkey did proclaim,
"With summaries of episodes
And every character’s name.
I’d never tell them all apart—
To me they’re all the same!"
Last week’s issue looked at him
And shook its weary head,
It knew the fair-weather soap watcher
Longed for XFL instead
"Perhaps," it thought, "He’ll go away
If I just pretend I’m dead."
But, finally, the digest rose
Thinking Monkey quite a dope.
Without it, he’d have never known
MacGuyver from Bo and Hope.
And this was odd, because, you know,
MacGuyver’s not a soap.
"We reviewed GH last week, you dolt,"
It said between its snarls,
"But you still don’t know the difference
‘Tween Carly and other Carls
And you seemed surprised when Sonny
Stuck his Passions in her Port Charles."
The Restless and The Beautiful
Played for an hour more.
The monkey asked ‘bout Brittany—
"Do I stand a chance to score?"
It ended, he got up to leave
But Digest blocked the door.
"The time has come," the Digest said,
"To talk of many things—
Of gossip and of marriages—
Of midseason ratings—
Of the new Troy on One Life to Live
And the diseases that he brings."
"But wait a bit," the monkey cried,
"Before we have our chat.
I’ve been watching soaps for hours
And for hours before that
I’ve been glued to the screen," he said,
"I haven’t hardly shat."
"Cry Me a River!" the Digest yelled,
"My heart—for you I bleed,
But you’ll just have to hold it
While I bring you up to speed
And assure you that the best soap watchers
Don’t complain they haven’t peed."
"But I’m not them!" the monkey howled,
And rushed to use the john.
The Digest spurned, when he returned
The magazine was gone.
He ran about the house and
Finally found it on the lawn.
"Oh, don’t be mad," the monkey begged,
"I’ll make it up to you, of course."
The Digest—it said nothing, but,
"When watching use the Force."
"I tried," said monkey, "But had to see
A man about a horse."
"Within your pages I’m sure I’ll find
All that I need to know
To differentiate between eleven soaps,
And plots from show to show
You, Digest, keep a record
Of who’s in love and who’s in woe."
"I weep for you," the Digest said,
"I deeply sympathize."
"So come back to me," the monkey said,
and looked it in its eyes,
"I’ll never treat you bad again!"
(And Monkey never lies.)
"Promise that you’ll read me well,
And soap knowledge you will reap."
The Digest waited for an answer,
But there didn’t come a peep.
And this was scarcely odd, because
The monkey’d fallen fast asleep.
-------------------------------------
You’ve unwittingly been thrust into the Poetically Challenged Write Off, organized by the deranged thom413, the dastardly badkittyM and the demonic imokliel and featuring some of the downest, dirtiest miscreants at Epinions. (You fakers who posted early disgust me. Feh.) For some more magazine-inspired poetry, check out these authors and their subjects:
badkittyM – Martha Stewart Living
thom413 – Pageant Queen
imokliel – Tiger Beat
Cerdo – 2600 Hacker Quarterly
Kung_fu_chimp — Juxtapoz
dastr8poop – Mad Magazine
29th_Candidate – Skin & Ink
deaser26 – Official U.S. Playstation Magazine
LoBue – WIRED
fallenjesusboy – World Weekly News
imperialgirl21 – Electronic Gaming Monthly
mike24 – New Yorker
lessaleigh – Cult
saintgoddess69 – Nintendo Power
Annexation – Fangoria
sumo_rhino – Playboy
…quite a crew of trouble-makers, if you ask me. But no one has.
And for the love of God, check out the damn web site:
http://www.cerdo.com/oink/write-off/tpc.html
Recommended:
Yes
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