I can't think of ONE bad thing to say about this paper, except that Big Foot (the crossword puzzle) and the advertisements take up precious space that should be yielded to fabulous and HUMOROUS journalism.

I've been reading this newspaper for years upon years; it is like a cult classic! The focus of my review will be on this week's edition.

The cover has Abraham Lincoln swathed in lipstick, and donning a lady's hat with a large plume plunging from the back. The headline screams, "Abraham Lincoln Was A Woman!" Underneath it are the words, "Shocking pix found in White House Basement.... PLUS Was John Wilkes Booth her jilted lover?" How enticing! The image on the cover made me laugh out loud, and so I was compelled to buy it.

My favorite column of all is Dear Dotti, the advice column. She insults her readers. She promotes violence in her advice. She calls people names. But! I love her! This week's column has the headline "I love my new boyfriend--but his parents are hot, too!" I'm going to quote it to give you an idea of what she's like:

"Dear Dotti: Only you can help me figure out my heart. I have a wonderful new boyfriend and we had no problems until I met his parents. They are so nice to me and that's the problem. I'm awfully attracted to his mom and his dad, too!

"I've never had feelings for another woman before, but the first time his mom smiled at me I felt it all the way to my toes. And when his dad hugged me goodbye last week, I almost melted in his arms. I'd love to love them all!--Confused in California.

"Dear Confused: So would the hooker shuffling around the lamp post down at 1st and Main. Of course, she'd be doing it for the money. You'd be doing it because you're a creep!"

The funniest part is usually the Confidentials. This is where people supposedly write letters (THEY HAVE TO BE MADE UP!) that they don't want published, but where she publishes her reply. You don't need to read the letters, and it's actually more funny not knowing what was written. Here's some more examples:

"Dear Happiest Senior Citizen in the World in Boone: I hate to burst your bubble, coot, but the men you woke up with in that alcohol haze couldn't have been Abbott and Costello--THEY'RE DEAD!!!

"Dear Superman in Eugene: Just keep snortin' that crystal meth, moron, and telling yourself it's true...."

Another advice columnist (of sorts) is Serena Sabak, dubbed "American's Sexiest Psychic." You can write to her and ask where your mom's gold watch that you borrowed and lost is and she'll give you precise instructions as to where to find it. You can ask her if so-and-so really loves you (and be sure to tell her that he IS a Gemini and you're an Aquarius) and she'll tell you how the pluto influence in your ninth house may inhibit communication but you can work through it. (I'm making these up, of course, but it's pretty typical). She is far more sensitive than Dotti, of course.

This week's headline letter is titled "Please help me escape from Hell!!!" The reader implores Serena to help her because her parents are in a satanic cult and have meetings in the basement of their house each week. Her brothers don't believe her and when she tried to talk to their priest, he didn't believe her either since they go to church every Sunday and "put lots of money into the collection basket." The reply is a calm accusation that the girl is lying and that Serena has arranged for a counselor to meet her at her school. She implores her to be honest with the counselor and he'll help her.

Serena also has a silly horoscope post each week. Mine reads in part, "A dream with sunshine, lawn jockeys, and your 4th grade teacher may have special significance." Isn't that a riot?! There's always something laughable in her horoscopes. Lawn Jockeys, hey? I dream of them ALL the time! Don't you?! ;)

Another regular feature is the "Page 5 Girl!" You guessed it! She can be found on page...uhh... what page is that again?...oh yeah, FIVE! It's a picture of a scantily clad woman with a nice body, voluptuous boobies, and a pretty face (usually). Then there is a paragraph that says what her interests are and maybe what she does for a living. They almost cancelled this feature because of the wide-spread demand for pictures of me, but I think they published an article about my refusal to shave my legs and how I gained 1,000 pounds and how I'm now bed-ridden. It worked. {Sigh}. My poor, poor fans. ;)

I can't forget to write about the on-going Sock Monkey Contest. They write a paragraph or so about how the sock monkey steals his boss' wallet and when you see the picture of him with the money you send in an entry form with your name, etc., and the page number you found him on. He may be pictured with a $5 bill or a number of $20's. This week it was $110. If they pick your name, you win a sock monkey with that amount of money.

A fellow named Ed Anger hosts a column called "My America," where he usually writes some crazy--and often controversial--and empassioned editorials. This week's is titled, "Why are Feds Blabbing Nuke Plant Secrets to Terrorists?" Usually his articles being with the words "I'm madder than a..." Generally it's part opinion and part "reporting." He often writes, "according to my inside sources...." His words drip with sarcasm. It's hysterical, no matter what the subject.

The other regular feature is Bigfoot, "the world's biggest crossword puzzle." The puzzle itself takes up one page and the clues are on the opposite page for ease of use. I'm not into crossword puzzles, so I view this as a displacement of great journalism. ;)

Back to their cover story: You open the newspaper and see more transgender photos of Abe and a headline screaming, "Abe Was a Babe!" There is a mini-report underneath that alleges John Wilkes Booth was Abe's lover:

"As shocking as it may seem historical evidence now says that Abraham Lincoln may have been slain as the result of a lover's quarrel with the man she love!

"According to details pieced together by historian Jessica Durbeen, assassin John Wilkes Booth and Honest Abe were illicit lovers and it was Booth's experience as an actor that enabled 'Lady Lincoln' to artfully use makeup, costumes, and body language to pose as a man!

"The two met at Lincoln's second inauguration, which Booth attended with then-girlfriend Lucy Hale, whose father, John Hale, the cross-dressing President had appointed as ambassador to Spain. 'The attraction was immediate,' Durbeen said. 'Booth dumped Lucy and began a torrid, secret affair with President Lincoln. He also used his acting experience to coach her on how to look and act more manly and perfect her disguises.'

"The two had a falling-out after a series of spats in which Abe refused to leave Mary Todd for Booth. Enraged, the spurned lover took his final revenge at Ford's Theater on April 14, 1865--shooting the president dead."

Now you may roll your eyes and snicker and snort, but they did publish an article that was TRUE. It was somewhat local, about a Korean man on vacation in Worcester, MA (not too far from me) who killed three or four people in a hot tub in a hotel (if memory serves... it was along those lines). They published every snippet of information I saw on the news and read in the Boston Globe. So, there are true stories periodically, in addition to the more... fanciful ones.

They also have a tendency to run follow up stories to the ones that reach a cult status. Take Bat Boy for example. He resembles a bald Eddie Munster with sharp, pointy teeth. The headlines blared "Bat Child Found in Cave!" "Boy captured by explorers 2 miles underground!" "His giant eyes see in the dark & his ears are better than radar, say scientists!" They sell this newspaper cover in the form of a T-Shirt as they have been for many years. There are other ones, like the Woman Killed By Fur Coat. "$30G full-length Coat COMES ALIVE and Attacks Rich Widow." But Bat Boy makes a return to the cover now and then with the most regularity.

There is usually a diet article which will no doubt make outrageous claims. They feature such hits as the "Mad Dog 20/20 Diet," "Fried Cricket Diet," and "Limburger Cheese Diet," to name a few.

There is also a self-help article. This week's features "5 Tips to Make Yourself Totally Irresistible!" They also have "Find A Hot Babe On The Internet--No Matter How Nerdy You Are!"

In brief, this newspaper is funny, Funny, FUNNY! You can keep tabs on what the aliens are up to and whom they've abducted. This paper once alleged that the aliens financed Bill Clinton's campaign, if I recall correctly; the cover depicts Bill shaking hands with an alien.

If you're looking for ground-breaking news and accuracy, then this is not what you want. The strange occurences generally happen somewhere obscure like La Fina, Italy or in large cities where strange happenings may go unnoticed.

It should go without saying, "Don't be fooled," but I do wait on an old couple who brings it in from time to time and they shake their heads at it. I once thought they were shaking their heads at the writing, but no. They were shaking their heads at the crazy people who were the subjects of such writing. Like the man in Colombia who made it a point to rape old ladies; in a bizarre way (and I'm honestly not kidding) I think the story excited them somewhat.

And if anybody out there is from Cleveland? Please let me know that you're alright! After all, I just read that giant cockroaches invaded and "They're as big as kittens and eat bread by the loaf!" Email me! Tell me that the crop dusters are loaded with Raid and spraying your great city!!!

UPDATE:

I found a fascinating link pertaining to this fabulous publication! It's a page that debunks urban legends.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/stripper.htm

This particular page debunks a WWN article about a man killed (suffocated) by a stripper's breasts. It's funny and worth looking at whether you're interested in this paper or not.

I almost forgot! I was dedicating reviews to other epinionators for a short while and promised a very dear friend of mine the next dedication. (Thanks for reminding me, my dear friend!) This has been penned in loving dedication to Copernicus. ;)




Recommended: Yes

Primary Reason for Buying: Articles