Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. Drinking like a fish is bad. Very bad, indeed. A couple of years ago, after an evening of drinking martinis and acting a fool with friends of mine, I wound up demanding to be taken by the music store and, yes, bought this album. This horrible, horrible album. What was I thinking? You know, I'm still not sure.

Thank God I don't abuse liquor as I did in my younger days. Fortunately, I found this in the used bin (or, so that little price tag that informs me the price was $8.00 suggests -- I really don't remember too well), so I didn't pay full price for this disc. I had the tape when I was a little punk in the 11th grade, and thought I was cool driving around Benton, Ark., while blaring "Dark Light" over the stereo I put in my ultra hip '75 Cutlass. That was a pretty good car stereo, and I'm surprised I wasted that high-wattage tape deck, three-way speakers and other stuff to reproduce this cruddy album.

Okay, so why is this thing so bad? Well, this is the last in a trio of miserable albums that were put out by KISS. At the time, KISS was a band that had lost it's way, and this album is further proof of that. Those horrid albums, were led by Dynasty, which was released in 1979. In 1980, the masses were tortured by Unmasked and KISS, in 1981, released Music from the Elder. The Elder is different from Dynasty and Unmasked in that it's a sad attempt at progressive rock. Dynasty and Unmasked were just very, very bad pop albums, but The Elder broke new ground for the group -- it put out a sucky album in a genre that was new to it. Wow!

The Elder is supposed to be a concept album. From what I can tell, the story is about a boy chosen by a group of "good" folks who oversee the world. The boy is chosen to perform heroic deeds and fight evil. That's about it, from what I can tell.

In support of this concept are some of the worst songs recorded by KISS. While the album isn't quite as bad as Unmasked, KISS probably ran off the few loyal fans it had at the time when it released this horrible album. The songs here are very theatrical and sound like the product of some guys who aren't "intellectual, music geeks," but would sure like to be some. KISS, obviously, tried to create some music that was "arty" and "deep," but it all comes out sounding rather silly. KISS is a loud heavy metal band, and they just didn't want to accept that with The Elder. I wish they would have, because hearing Paul Stanley sing in that awful falsetto on "Just a Boy" is pure torture. Sure, it's amusing after a night of martinis, but I haven't enjoyed such an evening in quite some time.

The album starts out with something called "Fanfare," which is a wimpy orchestral piece with stupid sounding brass, strings and woodwinds all over the place. It then goes on to "Just a Boy," which is a sprawling, mess of a song in which Paul Stanley proclaims that he's a scared little boy who's "no hero, though I wish I could be." The song just drags and drags, and is quite embarrassing.

That, fortunately, is followed by "Dark Light," which is about the only major contribution made to the album by "Ace Frehley." It's got blistering guitar solos and sounds a lot like "typical" KISS fare. It also features just horrible vocals, and the intro sounds rather like the theme from Jaws. Sure, it rocks, but it sounds half-baked and hurried.

The single of the album, of course, is "World Without Heroes," in which Gene Simmons tries to croon a bit and sings about how he doesn't want to live in (gasp!) a world without heroes. Once again, you've got a slow, dragging music and a track that sounds like it won't end. Fortunately, it does.

The rest of the album sounds forced and is the product of a band which is on foreign soil and not navigating it too well. "I" is another song that rocks fairly hard, but the vocals are pretty sad -- it's all about believing in yourself and achieving all sorts of things. It's a very trite little selection, full of phrases that have been worn out for ages. Yawn, yawn, yawn.

It's no secret that the band was falling to pieces at the time this was released. Peter Criss, the band's drummer, was already gone, and Ace Frehley, lead guitarist, was on his way out the door. No wonder Ace left shortly after this album. KISS sounded like it was headed for the "where are they now?" pile. Thank God they came to their senses in 1982 and released Creatures of the Night. I often think The Elder damn near killed the band, and such a horrible offering was the only thing that could snap the band out of the funk in which it was wallowing.

IF you're in the mood to hear KISS stagger around in the dark and engage in an ambitious project that falls flat, run out and buy a copy of this. Otherwise, you'll wonder just what the hell you've purchased. If anyone is interested in figuring out what KISS is all about, they should avoid this album. In fact, just about everyone should.



Recommended: No