As my rather blunt title suggests, "Siamese Dream" is a truly appalling alternative rock album in almost every way imaginable. But make no mistake dear reader, I tried and tried again to like this album, to find some redeeming quality so I wouldn't have to give it the dreaded one star rating. Alas, even after three weeks worth of listening, my noble attempts have failed. With the exception of two terrific tracks, there is absolutely nothing else of any significant value among the other eleven tracks that would warrant a purchase.

Given the gargantuan amount of five star reviews from this and many other web sites, it's fair to say that I had some pretty high expectations coming in. Add to the fact that several reviewers foolishly proclaimed this album as one of the best of the 90's, and with that in mind, who could resist buying it? Unfortunately, there's twenty-five bucks I'll never see again. What we're left with is a poorly written, atrociously produced, and God-awfully sung record that holds its own as one of the biggest flops in American music history.

The problems with this disc are almost equaled by the problems behind the scenes when the band was recording it. After the Pumpkins' debut album "Gish" was released in 1991, the pressure was on to create another popular hit. The band was often referred to as dysfunctional, and that is a huge understatement. Lead singer and guitarist Billy Corgan was going through suicidal depression after his longtime girlfriend Chris Fabian left him. Corgan also suffered from nervous breakdowns, which made the recording sessions a nightmare for the three other band members and their major label company, Virgin Records.

Guitarist James Iha and bassist D'Arcy's breakup caused more headaches for the band. Drummer Jimmy Chamberlin was addicted to drugs and alcohol after the Gish tour and spent twenty-eight days in rehab, staling the recording sessions even longer. The utter chaos forced Corgan to take over principal guitar and bass duties, and as a result, most of the tracks were played by himself with the help of Chamberlin. So finally, on July 27th, 1993, "Siamese Dream" hit stores shelves everywhere, and it sold incredibly well. I, on the other hand, almost wish it hadn't been completed, so I wouldn't have forked over the money to own this astoundingly brutal album. Well enough of this recap on the band's career, let's move on to the tracks.

1) Cherub Rock (4: 58)

- The album begins with Chamberlin's introductory drum roll, giving way to a blistering electric guitar filled with bass, and so starts "Cherub Rock". This song is a fairly decent beginning, much more tolerable than the horrors on the second half of this disc. The lyrics on all the songs are typically bland and redundant, such as the lines "Freak out, give in/ Doesn't matter what you believe in". Though it's much too long, "Cherub Rock" is still an average hard rocker worthy of an average rating.

Grade: 6/10

2) Quiet (3: 41)

- "Quiet" is anything but. It features the best guitar riff of the entire album, some well-timed drumming, and Corgan's usual array of mind-numbingly irritating vocals. I'm not one to blast screeching vocals, because after all, Raine Maida of Our Lady Peace and Scott Anderson of Finger Eleven are two of my favorite vocalists. But they have considerably more talent than Corgan, whose range is limited at best. In the end, "Quiet" is unmemorable, but given how bad some songs are on this disc, that's actually quite a compliment.

Grade: 6/10

3) Today (3: 19)

- The soft, melodic guitar kicks off "Today", one of the many singles that received a lot of radio play when the album first came out. The song seems to be about lost days of innocence, and is backed by some excellent pulsing guitar rhythms and a low, lumbering bass that gives this song a nice edge. Definitely one of the most popular Pumpkin songs, and for good reason.

Grade: 8/10

4) Hummer (6: 57)

- "Hummer" has many problems, among them is it's absurd length, weary vocals, and non-existent bass. The song never seems to get off the ground, despite a valiant effort by Chamberlin with some crushing drum work. Around the 4:30 mark the song slows down to a ballad-like pace, but as usual, Corgan's weeping vocals ruin any chance this song had of being great.

Grade: 4/10

5) Rocket (4: 06)

- The distorted guitars open "Rocket", followed up by a steady bass riff that continues for much of the song. It may sound like a broken record by now, but I just can't stand Corgan's singing, he simply CANNOT sing at all. The insipid lyrics do him no favors either, when he wails, "I shall be free" a million times too many. The worst part about this song? Near the end it seems to be building to something bigger, but it never gets there, and leaves the listener with a feeling that the song remains to be completed. Very disappointing.

Grade: 3/10

6) Disarm (3: 17)

- The last of the really good tracks is "Disarm". It relies almost completely on the delicate guitar, as there is virtually no drumming or bass to speak of. Guest players Eric Remsehneider and David Raqsdale add a beautiful cello and violin to accompany the decidedly well-written lyrics.

"I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
I send this smile over to you"

This is a sample of the lyrics, which Corgan sings with more emotion than any other track. Everything comes together perfectly for three and a half minutes, making "Disarm" a rousing success and easily the album's best track.

Grade: 9/10

7) Soma (6: 39)

- Sadly, after "Disarm", the album falls apart. "Soma" is very dull for the first three and a half minutes, but then the muddled guitars break in and Chamberlin wakes up on the drums. The lyrics are sad, speaking about the heartbreak of a broken relationship. Once again, the length is this track's biggest enemy, as the first few minutes are sleepy and tiresome, and the last three is just loud noise. Another middle of the road number.

Grade: 5/10

8) Geek U.S.A. (5: 13)

- "Geek U.S.A." is dominated by Corgan's wheezy vocals and Chamberlin's furious drumbeats, but the bad production shows itself on this track. The guitars seem to be mixed too far back and tend to sound as jumbled and repetitive as those found in the previous song. "Kiss kiss all of this/The hiss that we had miss/And understand what can't be understood" is the laughable type of lyrics Corgan spews out for five minutes. This is always a good candidate for the 'skip' button on your CD player.

Grade: 3/10

9) Mayonaise (5: 49)

- The Smashing Pumpkins seem to enjoy opening a good deal of their songs with a touching melodic guitar, and "Mayonaise" follows this trend. The bass is as bland as the guitar riffs, and the drumming is steady but nothing special. The guitar solo is monotonous, and that just leaves the lyrics and vocals to save this song from mediocrity, and that's asking way too much.

Grade: 4/10

10) Spaceboy (4: 28)

- "Spaceboy" exemplifies how lackluster the lyrics get on this album. There really is no chorus, and the lines "I want to go home" and "We won't be long" are repeated so often in Corgan's trademark grating voice that it'll have you reaching for the Advil in no time. Not much else to say about this one, it blends right into the garbage tracks around it. Diversity seems to be a problem on the second half of the disc, as these wretched songs demonstrate.

Grade: 3/10

11) Silverf#ck (8: 43)

- "Silverf#ck" is the longest of the thirteen tracks, and it drags on forever. The loud, noisy opening guitar riff sets up Chamberlin's pulse pounding drumming, then it slows down to a turtle's pace before finishing with the same level of obnoxious clatter as when the song began. The lines "And she was my lover so sweet/And she was my angel" don't exactly ring with originality, but that goes for most of "Siamese Dream" anyway. The only real interesting part is where Corgan sings "Bang bang your dead/ Hole in your head", but other than that brief part, there's nothing to write home about.

Grade: 3/10

12) Sweet Sweet (1: 38)

- "Sweet Sweet" is almost impossibly short, and feels more like the intro to the next song. By this time it's apparent that Corgan has dealt with his demons, and he's ready to let it loose and relax a little. It doesn't help, because this song not only seems incomplete, but what's here isn't particularly interesting in the first place.

Grade: 3/10

13) Luna (3: 20)

- The closer "Luna" has more of the same exasperating mellow rhythms as the previous number. Corgan sure likes his dreamy vocals, speaking about love and peace, not a bad topic for to finish an album with. Still, I'm just thankful that the album ended at all, because I couldn't take much more of this torture.

Grade: 4/10


There we have it, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most over praised CD's of the last decade is finished, and not a moment too soon. Aside from "Today" and "Disarm", none of the other eleven tracks manage pack the same level of emotion or musical efficiency. For those of you who were lucky enough not to buy this horrendous endeavor of a CD, it might be tempting to pick up this album just on the grounds of all the rave reviews it got. I know, I thought the same thing, but please trust me, this was hands down the worst purchase I've ever made, and I've regretted it ever since. As far as great albums go, I would unconditionally recommend Metallica's masterpiece "Load" or "Greyest of Blue Skies", by Finger Eleven. To sum up, I have never seen a more pathetic and overrated attempt at alternative rock music, and as a whole, "Siamese Dream" is a spectacular failure.


Recommended: No