And so it came to pass that I was going through my aunt's CD collection when I happened across a series of Christmas discs. Among the discs were a Christina Aguilera Christmas album from a few years ago and this monstrosity. The monstrosity in question being Michael Bolton's This Is The Time.

I looked over with surprise at my aunt and asked if she actually LIKED this talentless hack that sounds like he's getting a prostate exam from Edward Scissorhands. She replied that she didn’t even remember buying the CD and the fact it was still unwrapped gave some indication that her statement was true. So she asked me to unwrap it because she wanted to listen to it then. Usually when someone puts on anything Michael Bolton, I make a quick exit. However I can vouch for my aunt's innocence in the matter. I also realized that I would have the perfect forum for revenge on Mr. Bolton who sounds like a constipated Rick Astley who's just been visited by Lorena Bobbit.

As most of us are aware, Bolton has proven again and again over the past 13 years or so, with atrocious albums and songs, that he cannot sing his way out of a paper bag. His original compositions might actually sound good if done by another artist (I could see the late Otis Redding injecting "How Can We Be Lovers" with just the right amount of pain and emotion, something Bolton can't reach). What's worse is that the man has an annoying habit of slaughtering classic rock and soul songs. Recall his wretched version of "When A Man Loves A Woman". Recall his massacring of "To Love Somebody". You get the feeling that Mr. Bolton wants to be Ray Charles or Marvin Gaye. But he's so far from their level of talent that he can't get there even with a passport. His singing isn't even as good as the mindless fluff singing of Barry Manilow. In fact, if Mr. Bolton tried to appear on American Idol, Simon Cowell would tear him to shreds faster than you can say Celine Dion.

So after making two albums of ruined rock and soul standards, Bolton turned his attention to trashing classic Christmas songs. On This Is The Time: The Christmas Album, he slaughters such holiday chestnuts as "White Christmas" and "Silent Night".

Let's look at that remake of "White Christmas". If sung correctly, the song can evoke perfect images of a snow-covered field with a Christmas tree in the middle of it. Hearing Bolton's version does not evoke images of that at all. What it evokes is feelings of wanting to yell out "Good lord. Will somebody get this man some ex-lax?"

His rendition of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" has your typical Bolton MOR style arrangement. But the way he sings it does not evoke the image of a chuckling Santa with a twinkle in his eye. No, it evokes the image of a grumpy Santa, filling children's stockings with lumps of coal. One wishes Bolton had studied Bruce Springsteen's rendition of "Santa Claus" as a means of understanding how the song should REALLY be done.

The version of "Joy To The World" is of course the Christmas song, not the Three Dog Night hit (although a singing bullfrog named Jeremiah would sound a lot better than this song done by Mr. Bolton). And it sounds just as overwrought as 95% of Bolton's other songs. Christmas standards like this and "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" have reached the point where there's not much that can be done with them. Bolton does not know how to move them forward. All he does is make them unlistenable with his bland arrangements and overwrought singing and ruin anyone's taste for them.

The two passable songs on here are the duets: where Mr. Bolton allows someone else to handle the singing. That offers us a respite, albeit briefly. However, it also drives the point home that Bolton cannot sing. His rendition of "Ave Maria", sung with Opera singer Placido Domingo, is proof of this. I'm not an opera fan. But the moments where Domingo sings are heaven compared to the moments when Bolton grunts and groans. The Bolton original "This Is The Time" teams Bolton with Wynonna Judd and succeeds in making Ms. Judd sound like a real diva. In spite of the trite lyrics of course.

Another Bolton co-composition "Love Is The Power" is practically indistinguishable from the myriad of other pitiful tunes Bolton has inflicted on listeners. The covers of Mel Torme's "The Christmas Song" and "O Holy Night" are more proof of why there needs to be a congressional ban on terrible singers remaking good songs.

Bolton's ruining of soul songs and rock classics is old news by now and since he's not the only hack guilty of this, we will overlook it for the purpose of this review. Instead I shall point out that releasing an album full of Christmas songs that evokes no emotion from a listener aside from "Give me the Advil before I tear your head off" is a capital offense.

So for that reason, I propose that we all chip in and buy Mr. Bolton (for Christmas) a nice, long piece of rope so he can string himself up by his cojones.

Recommended: No